CD1

Okay, so unfortunately that last cycle was a negative.  AF came this morning and so it's obvious I'm not pregnant :(  Oh well, we are going to try again this month.  Hopefully my body will be in better shape now that I'm not worried about the house anymore.  Turns out that we were approved for the mortgage loan and now definately getting the house!  Part of the reason I was stressing so much last month was because there was a chance we might not get the house and we were having to submit different documents and write letters.  But now that it is all behind us and we can move forward, my stress level has diminished significantly.

So I must admit, I had a weak moment and tested early last week.  As I mentinoned in my previous blog, my test date was supposed to be Sept 14th.  But I got overly anxious and tested 4 times last week.  As you can guess, they all came out negative and after each one, I got a little more disappointed.  On Thursday last week, I hit a low point and felt really depressed all day.  I didn't want to do anything, and it didn't help that I wasn't scheduled to work that day.  I just wanted to crawl under my covers and sleep all day.  I think a combination of getting the good news about the house (having that tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders), and seeing negative HPTs day after day just sent my emotions into a whirlwind and made me feel so down that day.  By the next day I was fine, and I was hoping that the emotional swing was brought on by pregnancy.  I guess not... lol.

It took my mom over 9 years to conceive me, her 1st child.  This was contributed by an underlying condition she was not aware of at first, endometriosis.  Thankfully I don't have this issue, but the obesity will make it difficult for us to conceive regardless.  Funny how things are so similiar between me and my mom, yet my sister (pardon my slang) got knocked up at 16.  She now has 5 beautiful children who I adore and am thankful have an active role in my life.  Those 5 angels, our 3 little furbabies (dogs), a loving family, and a supportive husband makes this difficult time a little easier to handle.  My mom told me that during those years when she was TTC and a friend or relative announced their pregnancy, though she was happy for them, it stirred up some very private emotions for her.  That "sadness" (if that's how it is described) has come to me a time or two and I'm beginning to understand what she meant.  Plus it doesn't help when friends and family ask the age old question, "So when are you gonna have kids?"  Funny how I used to be one of those people to ask.  Now I just smile politely and give a little laugh... "Soon, I hope.  We are trying to settle in/ get a house/ establish a home..." and whatever else I can muster up as an excuse.  JC and I have been discussing whether or not to admit we are TTC.  It's a difficult decision because it is a private manner which few people talk about.  I guess that's why I blog... it is a means to vent my emotions.

Anyways, that is all for today.  Let's hope this month is a lucky one.  Our one year anniversary is next month, and a big fat positive (BFP) would be the ultimate anniversary gift for both of us!

p.s. CD1 = cycle day 1