An Evening of Song

So every once in a while a girl needs a good cry.  Especially when dealing with IF.  It's hard to stay positive sometimes.  Well today is one of those days, and though I can't bring myself to shed a tear (for fear of ruining a celebratory holiday?  perhaps), I wanted to share a few songs that I've picked up along the way.  Though they may not all be about IF, per se, they each share a special meaning for those of us experiencing it.  I don't mean to make this a cry fest, but I'm in one of those moods today.

 

On a side note, looks like AF is packing her bags.  Though I'm thrilled for the short and unexpected visit, I can't help but be anxious of the coming weeks, especially with my recent job loss.  So once again I leave you with hopes of new beginnings for a new year.  I won't be back until next year (I love saying that) and hopefully that will mark the new beginning.

Happy New Years, and good tidings for a great 2013!

New Year Off to Bad Start :(





On Friday evening (two days ago)  I got news that I was laid off effective immediately.  My company shut down due to recent changes in Medicare/Medicaid legislative cuts.  After finding out via a mandatory company teleconference, I was a hormonal mess.  JC was at work and I got to only speak to him briefly.  I was alone to deal with the impact.  Immediately, I texted a few of my close girlfriends to tell them what was up and that I may be MIA for a while.  Last year I was laid off from the same company due to other reasons, and the changes put me into a slight depression.  So I was expecting the same this time around as well.

 

I know it may be a little early to worry but with all that was going on in TTC life, I was pretty upset.  I didn't know where this would put us.  Our insurance was covered under me and with the job loss, I now won't have any medical insurance.  The COBRA premium is to costly for us to afford and hubby's insurance is also very expensive.  What has made this news even worse, was I just had started my cycle the previous evening.  I was so happy, and so excited (as you read in my previous blog) to start the new cycle.  The morning of the layoff, before receiving the news, I  had scheduled all my appointments for monitoring and picked up my new prescriptions for this second medicated cycle.  That excitement was short lived, as you could have expected, when I received Friday's sad news.

 

I'm still kind of in shock from the news and decided I really couldn't do anything until the new year started (which is in a few days).  With the upcoming holiday, and with everything being closed, I decided that Wednesday, Jan 2nd is when I would start putting in calls to previous employers and filing for unemployment.  Hubby and I discussed if we should move forward or not with this TTC cycle, and we both decided that yes, we would since I already had paid for the meds.  If it happens and I get a BFP, we would deal with it when the time came.  In the meantime, hubby will continue working and still plan on resuming his classes this coming semester.  I have already applied to several jobs online.  I am trying to remain optimistic that things will turn out okay.  I am still worried about our financial situation since bills will continue to come in.  I will try and stay focused on losing weight, especially now that I am no longer employed.  I can dedicate this free time to staying dedicated to my weight loss.

 

That is all for now.  I will leave you with a pic of all the meds I'm on since TTC.  I am still amazed that I take this many pills just so that I can try to get pregnant.  From not taking anything, having no medical illness up until this year when diagnosed with PCOS...  to now taking  7 meds.  These include cabergoline, levothyroxine, metformin, progesterone, clomid, prenatal vitamins, and HCG.  I used to also take prednisone when first diagnosed.  But they took me off that when they saw that wasn't helping any.  You can also see my weekly pill organizer and see what I'm taking daily.  This also varies week to week, depending on where I'm at in my cycle.

 

 

So here's to a new year and a new beginning....

 

My, AF... What a Pleasant Surprise!

CD1, we meet again!

Although AF came this evening, I technically can't count her until tomorrow.  I kind of knew she was up to something when I started spotting yesterday and all day today.  I even told hubby that I think she was going to be visiting soon, although I was a little surprised considering it's only CD24 today.  She's early this time, but I'm grateful.  That just means we will get an earlier start this 2nd time around.  I will call my doctor's office tomorrow to schedule a follicle search for day 13 or 14.  Hopefully this time I will have at least one, if not a couple of mature follicles so that I can trigger with the Novarel injection.  Last time I was heartbroken to learn the clomid didn't work the first time.  So Trudy upped the dosage to 75 mg of Serophene.  I'm hoping with all my fingers and toes crossed that this will be the one... and what a lovely birthday surprise it will be for me!

I've already put all important dates and activities in my phone for this cycle including when to start taking meds, BDing, and testing.  Hubby is excited that it's time to start cycle #2 as well :)

On another note, baby prepping is still steady chugging along.  I took advantage of some more Christmas deals online a couple of weeks ago and purchased more cloth diapers.  I now have a colorful stash that includes a dozen or so diapers.  I have showed JC and all he can do is shrug his shoulders.  I guess it's pointless to complain about it, lol.  Also, I've been browsing various resale shops in hopes that I'll find some hidden goodies for the baby.  Today I stopped at one place by my work and found a baby carrier/harness for under $2!  How awesome is that?!  I've also been working on a little sewing project that will keep me occupied in the coming weeks.  I am making cloth wipes out of bath towels, and prefold diapers out of old t-shirts.  It's kind of fun and I'm learning how to sew in the process.  I borrowed my mom's sewing machine for the project and it's exciting learning how to use it.  Finally, and I've probably mentioned this before, I'm slowly working on painting the nursery.  I've started to paint the walls yellow now and slowly my vision is coming into play.  I've been scouting ebay to see if there are any cute circus/carnival themed decor for the nursery and I've come across a couple of things that I'm interested in and putting them on my watch list.

Once again my hope is revived and I'm excited.  My Christmas was okay, but I was kinda in a slump because of the news of the failed cycle.  But now I'm looking forward to next month and really celebrating the New Year.  2013 it's time!  Cheers!

My Reproductive Story

I started reading "Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility" by Janet Jaffe, Martha Diamond, and David Diamond, all PhD's. I've been wanting to read a book that talks about how to deal with IF and this book came recommended via one of the gals on thebump.com forum.  So far it has my interest.

I just got done reading Part I and it talks of your reproductive story. We start writing one when we're very young--playing house, wanting to be like/not be like mommy/daddy, and it continues throughout life. While dealing with infertility, it is helpful to write your personal reproductive story.  So here is mine... in the making...

I've had maternal instincts ever since I could remember.  Playing house, playing school, playing barbies and even catching bugs in an empty mayonnaise jar so I could have something to take care of are some things I can remember doing as a child.  Being 2 years older than my sister, I always took charge and became "mom" or "teacher" during our playtimes.  My sister usually got stuck with being big brother/sister or teacher's aide.  And our menagerie of stuffed animals or dolls would be my children or students.  I always felt in charge and nurturing.  My dreams of growing up usually played out during playtime with our Barbie dolls.  I would go to high school, graduate, go to college, graduate, meet a boy, marry the boy, have lots of children and live happily every after.  It all sounded so simple, after all that's basically how my parents' story played out (minus the college).  As I grew older, I started planning timelines for these milestones in my life.  Yes, I'm a planner always have been and always will be.  I like to organize things and get pleasure from checking things off.  So around the end of middle school, beginning of high school when puberty was starting to settle in nicely, I was kind of eager to start planning my future.  AF first visited when I was 13, and I remember thinking I was officially a woman now.   Though part of me longed to play with my Barbies, I knew this meant that I would start growing up whether I liked it or not.  Out went the Barbies, in came pads and bras.  So on to my future plans... I decided that since I wouldn't be graduating college till I was in my 20s, I'd probably be meeting Mr. Right by 21.  Then we'd be engaged for about 2 years and I'd become Mrs. Right by 23.  We'd live as a couple for a few years, travel, buy a home, raise a dog and I'd be pregnant by 25.  Now, I've always been fond of children and because both my parents come from large families, I saw the love and excitement lots of kids can bring so in my mind 5 children was what I wanted.  And they'd each be about two years apart (I think having my sis 2 years younger than me provided the perfect balance of friendship and individuality), so that I'd have my last baby before I was 35.  Sounded so perfect.

My mom started sharing her reproductive story with me when I had come into my pre-teen years.  I always knew I was her "miracle" baby but didn't start getting details till then.  Growing up, I had always had older parents than those of my peers.  And it used to bother me.  I remember lying about my parents ages to friends.  Being in elementary, who wanted a parent in their forties?  My parents had a good 10 years on my friends' parents and it was quite embarassing for me.  It took my parents 9 years to finally conceive me so this is was reason for the age gap.  As I got older, the idea of older parents kind of grew on me and I became more accepting.  I think by maturing and being able to explain about their fertility issues, I found their story endearing.  So briefly here's how their story went...

My mom met my dad when she was 24 through her brother in law who was my dad's best friend at the time.  My dad was a little under 7 years my mom's senior.  They dated for a few months.  My dad popped the question and they had a big wedding.  They went a few years "trying but not really trying" to conceive, meaning they weren't using protection, yet they weren't planning it.  And those first few years passed nonchalantly, as they were having fun just being married.  Then slowly the pressure of having kids and wanting to have kids crept up on them.  Just a couple years short of a decade of being married w/o kids and my mom finds out she has endometriosis that prevents her from conceiving.  She had a couple of procedures done, doc suggests she takes a couple months off to recover and BAM she's pregnant.  Pregnant with her first, pregnant with lil ol ME :)  Slight problems during my birth with not being able to dilate, but nothing that a good ol C-section can't help.  And so I'm born.  Doc again says recover from surgery give your belly a year to gain strength and then you can try again for another.  BAM!  2 years and a little over one month later my sister was born again via C-section.  Two kids are enough for two working parents and my folks close that chapter in their book.  My mom was 36 my dad just shy of 43.

So back to my story...
Yes, I planned to have 5 kids even had a few names picked out and the order I would have them Boy, Girl, Girl, Boy, Boy.  Gavino, Priscilla, Xuleyca, Xavier, Adrian.  Yes, these are the names I had acquired throughout the years (and some of these have changed).  By the time I was 16/17, I had been off and on BCP to help regulate my cycle.  I went off them for a few years while I was at college (CHECK... lol), then still having problems with my cycles went back on them at 22 and stayed on them till I was 30.  It's funny how you usually think "if you're in control of when not to get pregnant, you can be in control of getting pregnant" (Pages 36-37). Yeah, I never got to be in control of actually wanting to get pregnant, but I'll get to that in a minute.  Didn't meet Mr. Right at 21 like I had planned.  Nope, met him at the ripe old age of 28, lol.  But they were right when they said "good things come to those who wait".  But man, did it take a lot of heartache, tears, and journey to find myself, before I found him.  But I did (CHECK), and we got married two years later (CHECK).  I was 30, he was 34.  Originally we planned to take our time on having kids and though we "tried but not really" for the 1st year, I found myself concerned about what was going on in my body.  For one, I had regular periods for 8 years prior to stopping BCP the month we got married.  And two I was concerned that if I didn't have periods, maybe I had something wrong with me.  Could it be endometriosis like my mom and if so, what could I do before it went on too long?  I scheduled a preconception appt with my doc a year after "not trying".  She did a full work up, said everything was good (no I didn't have endrometriosis), told me to lose some weight, told me to monitor my temps, and gave me a prescription for progesterone cream.  I was relieved that it was nothing serious, just lose a little weight and I'd be good to go.  6 months later and still no BFP :(  I was heartbroken and starting to get down on myself.  I went to seek out another doctor who deals with infertility issues.  Again, I have my labs drawn and basically sent home with a few prescriptions for thyroid meds.  Again they tell me lose a few pounds and you could get KU in about three months!  This is great!  I go on a health kick eat better, take my meds (I'm slightly hypothyroid).  Three  months, nothing.  Four months, nothing.

I am now experiencing what the book refers to as "Reproductive Trauma." Wow, talk about getting your feelings validated and explained! From pages five and six: "What makes the experience of infertility a trauma? The diagnosis of infertility, and the medical interventions often needed to treat it, represent a threat to our physical integrity, our sense of being healthy and whole. One of the most fundamental aspects of our physical selves is our reproductive capability. When that does not function properly, we doubt everything else. Infertility is a trauma because it attacks both the physical and emotional sense of self, it presents us with multiple, complicated losses, it affects or most important relationships, and it shifts our sense of belonging in the world. When you are diagnosed with infertility, the world as you previously knew it crumbles...The trauma of infertility is such that what you had taken for granted and expected is lost."   Five months, nothing and depression is slowly sinking in.  I've stopped eating healthy.  I don't want to work out.  I'm crying for no reason and our relationship isn't the same.  It's me, I know it, but I'm stuck in a hole and I can't get out.  Month six comes up, no BFP and I go in for my scheduled well-woman exam.  I tell the nurse that I'm having these issues and that I'm upset because I can't get pregnant.  It's been two years.  She schedules me a consult with the fertility specialist.  They rerun labs they put me on hormone medications and a schedule of pills, treatment, and intercourse.  I'm now diagnosed with PCOS related infertility.  I feel like I'm not myself.  I'm not me.  I'm a patient, an infertility case.  My body is no longer in my control.  I can't have a baby like a normal person, I need to be doped up with meds and shot up with hormones hoping that my brain and my body will think this is normal and respond like it should.  My mind wanders to stories from Biblical times about women being shunned for not being able to bear children to old Jewish law where a man can divorce a woman because she can't have children to Henry VIII's issues with wives not producing heirs.  In our society, still to this day, having children is such an expected part of being a woman that it is hard for me to deal with at times.

I will be 33 in a couple of months and my plan had definately fallen off track.  My hope for 5 children has disappeared, but I still want at least 2.  Advanced Maternal Age (AMA) risks start at 35.  I have 2 years.  But though this last treatment didn't work, I still have hope that I will get pregnant.  My plans for designing the nursery are still going on, I'm still making baby buys, and I'm still reading info on pregnancy.  My optimism is what keeps me going, but I have to admit it is a struggle.  So there's my reproductive story, well, at least the stuff I've sorted out thus far. The book says that such a story is "a work in progress."  We are going on our 3rd year of TTC and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that 2013 will be our year!

2nd Hand Baby Buys

So I went to the thrift store the other day to browse.  Really, I went to see if they had any cloth diapers, prefolds, or material I can use to make my own prefolds.  Lo and behold I actually found one Kisses pocket diaper in good condition.  It's pink, but either way it's a cloth diaper!  I was so happy and it was only $1.00.  No stains and it included an insert!  I couldn't find any prefolds and the receiving blankents they had were priced at $1 or more.  So I figure I would go back when they were half off.  Browsing around, I found some other stuff and spent less than $6 for everything!  In addition to the diaper, I bought two baby fabric books, a picture photo album ( I want to use this to surprise announce our BFP to one of our moms), a baby head support for baby carrier, and a rubber ducky that detects water temperature.  In all, I'm very happy with my purchases and walked away with a great deal!

 

Clomid Cycle #1 Fail :(

So I had my hopes up that this cycle would work.  I know it's just our first medicated cycle, but I was really optimistic that this would be the one.   Sadly I was mistaken...

I went in for my follicle search yesterday, highly anticipating good news.  The US was very uncomfortable and she had the probe shoved in pretty deep.  I don't know much about what I was seeing, but I do know she was measuring something.  I could see numbers like 28mm and 32 mm which I got really excited about.  From what I've been reading online, mature follicles are over 24 mm big.  I asked the tech whether she could tell if I ovulated or not since I had a "positive" OPK on CD 10, but she told me she couldn't tell me and that I would have to talk to the nurse.  The procedure was done in about 10 minutes and she had me wait for Trudy.

When Trudy brought me into her office, she told me that the search found no mature follicles.  I knew what this meant and immediately felt crushed.  I was alone, so I couldn't let myself fall apart.  Basically, the US had found no dominant follicle, meaning I wouldn't be ovulating this cycle.  Therefore we had to cancel the trigger.  She proceeded to tell me that we would try another cycle this time increasing my dosage on the Serophene (clomid) to one and a half tablets for five days; again starting on CD3.  Then we would do another follicle search again on CD14, and hopefully be able to trigger.  She told me that if the second cycle didn't work, she would schedule me a lap (laproscopy).  This is a day surgery in which the doctor would go in and zap the "cysts" from my ovaries, thereby enabling them to work a little better.  Then we would try another medicated cycle, hoping the surgery fixed the problem.  Again, small steps at a time, but unfortunately more money out of our pockets since my insurance doesn't cover fertility treatments.  She also asked me if the hubby and I had talked about IVF.  I was a little shocked she brought this up considering it was only my 1st clomid cycle, but considering how agressive we are being with the IF treatments, I shouldn't have been surprised.  I told her we discussed it very briefly but hadn't made any decisions.  She gave me a heads up on the costs.... approximately $12,000 all said and done for ONE treatment!  And there's NO guarantee it would work.  I didn't say much after that and told her we were gonna keep trying with the meds until I can't do anymore.  Clomid works best when used within the first 6 cycles and after that the success rate declines.  But she said we could try up to 9 cycles if we wanted to choose that route.  I told her we'd take one cycle at a time and she agreed that was the best decision, but wanted to give all options.  She asked how I was doing and if all was okay.  I kinda just shrugged my shoulders and told her it's been hard, but what could I do.  I left after exchanging wishes for a happy holiday season with her and she said she'd see me next year.

Walking to my car, I had this huge lump in my throat and I was rushing to get into my car so that I could let it out.  When I got in, I called JC and told him everything that happened and burst into tears.  He too was disappointed, but tried to be strong for me.  He told me to just keep doing what I've been doing to lose weight and hopefully in a month I would lose a few more pounds that will help with IF.  I know, I know.  But it's just so hard to get up and dust yourself off.  I really didn't want to go to the gym after that, but I forced myself and did the most cardio I've done thus far.  An hour and a half (usually I just do an hour). 

We still stuck to our TI scheudle and BD last night, though it was kind of bittersweet.  We have one more day of TI tomorrow and that will be the end for this cycle (planned BD that is, lol).  I'm supposed to start taking the prometrium tomorrow through day 32/34 and stop if BFN.  Till then, all I can do is hope for two lines on my OPK even though Trudy said there wasn't really any chance I'd O this cycle.  Still hoping though.

So until then, we wait for AF so that we can start over.

IF sux, in case I haven't stated the obvious.

Trigger Day!

So today is CD 14 and I'm scheduled for my follicle search and HCG injection this afternoon.  I'm super excited and nervous at the same time.

As for what's gone on the rest of this past week, my previous post said that I was anticipating a more positive OPK result on my next strip.  Didn't happen :(  So far everything has tested negative.  So on my FF chart I put the CD10 OPK as positive and hoping that either I ovulated that day (or in the 12 hrs following) or that I have yet to ovulate and the HCG will trigger O.  So far CD10 has been the most "positive" OPK I've had yet.  According to some users on thebump.com, meds will affect your temps and this may be why my temps have been zig-zaggy and all over the place (of course this is no different than before I started taking meds).  I will definately ask the doctor/tech whether they can tell if I ovulated or not. I'm keeping my FX that my follies will be big enough to trigger today.

On another note, I've started painting the nursery.  I have finished painting the trimming white and perhaps this weekend will start on the rest of the wall.  I'm painting it a pale yellow.  I also purchased my first set of brand new cloth diapers.  I found a website called diapersafari.com and they provide free shipping so I decided to buy some sale items.  I will get them in about a week.

Another thing that happenend this weekend, I was around two PG ladies at the same time. So I'm hoping I hijacked some of the PG hormones.  LOL.  I did the old trick of rubbing their bellies hoping that maybe it's contagious too.  Hahaha.

Anyways, will update on my appt. later.

Omg! Am I O-ing?

could it be?! Like in my previous posts, I've been doing OPK's twice a day.  top strip was starting cd 8 in the evening. then following are 2 for cd 9 in the morning in the afternoon.  and then the last 2 are for today's in the morning and then I just took 1 about an hour ago. it is SO close to positive! I'm almost sure tomorrow's is gonna definitely be a positive.  I'm so excited!
on the other hand, the clomid has got me soo hormonal.  I'm beginning to scare myself, lol.  One minute I can be weeping, tearing up, and feeling depressed the next minute a raging lunatic being pissed at everything.  mostly I've just been irritated at the slightest little thing.  you would think with Clomid, it would make us these submissive, romantic, sexy wives that our hubbies can't wait to come home to.  instead it's making us to be these BITCHES that I'm not even sure DH will want to BD with,  lol.  But seriously.... is that a side effect of the Big O?  If it is Mother Nature's got a crappy way of doing it, hahaha.
anyways, I will update soon...

CD 10 and Other Stuff

So yesterday I officially started doing OPKs.  So far all negatives.  I'm doing one mid morning and one in the evening.  I just did my 1st one for today and it's a negative.  Today also starts the commencement of our BDing for this cycle.  I wanted to get a headstart and BD last night but I changed my mind and I will tell you why in a bit.

Also, yesterday I picked up my prescription for the HCG injection.  It's funny how as a TTCer, you find emotions in the littlest of things.  For instance, as I was waiting for the prescription which only took about 5 minutes to get after I dropped it off, I was soooo nervous.  Like this was a big step in a positive direction and we are that much closer to being parents.  I texted hubby to let him know about my nervousness (figuring he would understand where it was coming from), and he basically said to calm down.  LOL.  I knew he only meant it in a loving/supportive way, but I guess until you're in my shoes, one wouldn't really know the effect of picking up that prescription made on me.  Of course I made a video to document it when I got back to work.  So since it doesn't have to be stored in any particular way, it's just waiting for me at home until the 17th, when we will use it.

So back to yesterday.  Yesterday was our company holiday dinner and we met up at this great Latin fusion restaurant called Americas in the River Oaks area.  I work for a mobile company based out of California so there's really not many of us that work here in Houston.  I'm the only tech here in this area at this time and there's a doctor that does EMGs that they just hired last month here in Houston.  Also there are two sales reps that work in this area too.  So aside from us, the only people that came to the dinner were some of the executives and our region service specialist.  Also a tech from the Louisiana area flew in for the dinner since they were not going to be doing a dinner in that area this year.  So a total of nine of us were at the dinner.  It was a really nice restaurant and the dinner was really good.  I had some chorizo empanadas for an appetizer, the salmon for the main course, and some dulce de leche cookies for dessert.  Everything was really good.  During dinner we all were seated at a long table and I sat on the end.  Even though I had about three glasses of wine, my social anxiety was still there.  If I don't really know anyone, it's hard for me to carry on a conversation.  It's been like that ever since I could remember.  People might assume it's just shyness, but it's so much more than that.  It's social anxiety and though it's not very severe, it make social situations very uncomfortable and sometimes torturous.  So there I was sitting there, trying to make conversation, but mostly listening.  I could feel every minute ticking by.  I enjoyed the food and was so happy when things were wrapping up.  Near the end I was texting JC, because I just got fed up with trying to mingle.  We finally left like three hours later and as I was walking to my car, I was talking on the phone with JC summing up what happened at dinner.  I was telling him that I also wanted to get a head start on the BDing and that when I got home, that's what I planned to do.  He was all for it.  LOL.  I was a bit tipsy, but mostly relieved that I was out of the dinner situation.  My drive home was about twenty minutes, and I took my time getting home.  I had hung up with hubby about 5 minutes into my drive and now was just jamming to some CDs in my car.  A couple of minutes later, I just started crying.  It seemed like out of the blue.  And then it dawned on me that I was still depressed about the whole IF issue.  Yes, it's calmed down alot, but the frustration and emotions are still there.  During dinner, our conversation had turned to kids and school and extracurricular activities.  Also earlier that day we had conversation about kids as well.  And at dinner, I was chit chatting with the doctor about natural birth, natural parenting, puree-ing baby food, etc.  Then some of my co-workers were showing pics of their children on their phone.  And earlier that day another co-worker was saying how she's glad her kids are grown and how women need to make time for themselves.  She's around 41 and she's a grandmother.  I think just the accumulation of all the conversations came down on me and I just broke down and cried.  I cried all the way home.  Needless to say, when I got home, I was in no mood to BD.  I barely spoke a word to hubby, changed into my pjs  and went to bed.  So no starting the BDing that night.  To make matters worse, I woke up a few hours later with severe cramping in my bowels and bad diarrhea.  Plus I felt nauseous.  I ran to the bathroom where I spent a little time.  Great, just how I needed to end my day... probably food poisoning.  Today my stomach still feels a little weird, but I'm determined to BD today.

Update TTC #1, Clomid Cycle #1, CD8

So yesterday I had an appt with Trudy, the NP Fertility Specialist.  This is the 2nd time I see her.  Dr. Holt, who did my cervical dilation last week, wanted me to see her so that we could discuss taking more aggressive measures to get me KU.  Well I went to see her yesterday afternoon and she basically told me that this cycle, we could do the HCG injection instead of waiting for cycle #3.  Then she explained that if this cyle didn't work with the injection, we would bump it up to IUI next cycle.  In order for me to get the HCG, I have to have my follicles monitored to make sure that they will be large enough to move forward with the HCG.  I get that done on Dec 17th and if follies are good to go, I will get the injection.  From there, we are to time our BD 24, 32, and 38 hours later after the injection.  But because JC will be at work, we will have to modify that.  So basically we should BD the day after and twice two days after.  She also told me that should it fail this cycle, we could do the IUI next cycle.  I asked her if we had the option to do it this cycle and she said yes.  She did a run through of the costs and it would come out to $370 for the whole procedure, everything included.  She told me to discuss it with hubby that night and let her know when I come in on the 17th what our decision was.  If we opted for the IUI, it would be done the day after the HCG, so the 18th. Last night, when JC got home we discussed it and decided we would do natural insemination this cycle.  If no luck, then we would do IUI the next cycle.  I have faith that his swimmers will know what to do and that there won't be any problem on his end.  After all, his SA came back normal.  So until then, I can only hope that our first cycle is all we really need.  We will continue to BD every other day on even cycle days until the 17th, then resume the other protocol.  I'm hoping and trusting in my body that all I really needed was a "boost" to the hormones.  I hope this works.  I'm being very optimistic.

Cervical Dilation

So I went to my appt last week to have my cervix dilated.  I was kind of nervous, especially since I was there by myself.  JC was at school.  Procedure only took like five minutes and it wasn't painful at all, just uncomfortable and I had no problems or side effects afterwards.  The doctor came in to do the procedure and then spoke to me briefly afterwards.  He basically explained that the purpose of the procedure was to allow a bigger opening in my cervix for the sperm to get in and hopefully increase my chances of getting KU.  Then he also explained that my weight would still be an issue we would need to work on since it could still pose a problem while going through IF treatment.  He suggested I work on losing weight while TTC.  I told him that it's something I've been working on.  He also suggested I meet with Trudy again.  She's the fertility specialist I saw last time who diagnosed the PCOS.  He wants me to proceed with the IUI procedure should this cycle with the clomid not work.  I'm excited, but still kind of hoping it works for us on this first cyle.  I'm currently on my fourth day of clomid.  I'm supposed to meet with her tomorrow, Monday and it's kind of last minute.  My appt will be at 3pm which means I will have to come up with some reason to miss work without using any of my PTO hrs.  I hope the doc is cool with me leaving work early.  Just wanted to give a quick update.

Also, check out this video I made with the hubby the other day.

AF marks CD1

Well today is official CD1!  I couldn't be more excited!  Yes, I know it means that I'm not pregnant, however, it also means that I can finally start my fertility treatment.  My nurse told me to schedule a cervical dilation once my cycle starts and this morning I called for an appointment.  I made it for Friday which is in three days.  In the meantime, I've still been temping and taking my prenatal vitamins, metformin, and dostinex.  Thursday I will start Serophene (clomid) which will be CD3!  I'm super excited about that too!  I will take it consecutively for five days then starting on CD16 I will start the prometrium (progesterone supplement).  Also starting on day 10 we will BD, which I'm sure hubby will be happy about :)  I'm hoping for a little surprise at the end of this month or something really big to celebrate the new year!  I think Christmas will be a little too early to tell anything.

Also, I decorated our Christmas tree last night.  We still have the same blue and silver decorations.  I've decided to start adding a new Christmas tree ornament each year to commemorate something big that's happened that year.  We didn't add anything last year, so this year I'm buying two ornaments.  One for last year and one for this year.  For last year's ornament, I chose a white birdhouse ornament with two birds.  It says "New Home".  I bought it on ebay for $5.  It says 2010, but I will try and change it to 2011.  For this year's ornament, I chose a blue light-up Houston Texans ornament (also bought on ebay).  We really haven't done much this year, other than me getting re-hired and JC going to school, but I figured with the Texans cinching the lead in the playoffs this year with current stats at 11-1, I would support my team and buy an ornament in their honor.  When JC graduates school we can get an ornament to commemorate it which will be in 2014.  And hopefully on next year's Christmas tree, we will have an ornament saying "Baby's First Christmas"!  I'm sooooo excited!

I've also been doing a little splurging and induging in my guilty pleasures.  I've been making some pre-baby buys.  Most recently taking advantage of After Thanksgiving and Cyber Monday deals.  So far I've purchased a bassinet/playpen/changing station baby center, a walker, and a Boppy with slipcover.  Another thing I've been scouting are cloth diapers.  I've been looking at various reviews and tutorials on youtube and alot of users recommend purchasing a few different brands/styles to see which work best for you.  So far I'm leaning more towards prefolds/inserts and all in ones.  I have a few that I'm tempted to purchase already.  Hubby knows this and is trying to get me to go easy.  Damn my compulsive shopping.  LOL.  I may be jumping to soon in buying everything, but with this new burst of renewed positivity and optimism, I'm looking forward to starting on the nursery and baby buying.  I don't want to leave things to the last minute.  And speaking of the nursery,  I've already purchased wall paint in a pale yellow (straw) that I will be using on the walls.  I will paint the trim and shelving white.  It is gender neutral so it won't matter on the sex of the baby.  Also still undecided what theme to run with.  I love the jungle/monkey theme, but I think it may be to boyish, and therefore still contemplating the circus theme.  We shall see.... Also working on redecorating the rest of the house so that it has our personality infused in it.  It still has paint from the previous owner that I despise... ugh.... pink everywhere.  I've done some inspiration boards on pinterest as I brainstorm ideas.

Well that's about it.  I will update on testing and my cycle when things change.  Keeping fingers crossed!

2013, here we come!

so things have pretty much stayed the same. earlier this month we were still having trouble TTC so I put a call into my nurse asking why I still haven't had a period in 2 months.  she then changed my dosing a little bit but I still was not satisfied. I made an appointment with a different nurse for my well woman exam at the same clinic a couple of weeks ago. I explained the whole issue again. since I was only there for my well woman exam she really couldn't go into great detail on what I should do. however she did write me a lab slip to recheck my hormone levels on the medications I've been taking and referred me to see the fertility specialist there.  the next day I had my blood drawn for my hormone levels.  One week later I was scheduled to see the fertility specialist. the nurse called to give me my lab results, and told me they forgot to include my insulin levels. so before I went to the fertility specialist I had to have my blood drawn again to check my insulin.  I got it that same day I went in to go see her in the morning. That afternoon was my appointment and JC was supposed to meet me at the doctor's office. I got off of work a little earlier than expected so decided to head up to the appointment early.  as usual JC was running late and got there right at my appointment time, but by then I was already in the office with the nurse.  she was going over a few things with me regarding my cycle.  she seemed pretty rushed while she was talking to me and telling me that we needed to get my periods under control.  she went over my levels again from my previous lab work and said that everything looked good and to keep taking the medication I was taking. these included my thyroid medication, and my medication to decrease my prolactin level.  she told me to get off the steroids since it did not seem to be doing anything as far as lowering my testosterone level.  after going into detail about all that, I asked her when would I know if I ovulated.  she says that I can get on birth control to regulate my cycles.  I was like, "what?! I'm trying to get pregnant, why would I go on birth control?" that just changed EVERYTHING and she asked, "you're trying to get pregnant?" I told her yes and that's why I was coming in to see her because the nurse  I've been seeing since May has not been able to regulate my cycle; that's originally why I came into the clinic in the first place.  that's when JC walked in. we did brief introductions and she apologized for not realizing I was trying to get pregnant. Somehow the person who scheduled me put that i was just being seen for a lab follow-up, so we basically had to start all over in regards to analyzing my labs. she asked why I hadn't had my thyroid checked. I told her was it was supposed to be checked since they were just re-running all the labs I had in May. she said they must have forgotten to add it so I had to do it again that afternoon and have my blood drawn a second time that day. then we got into detail about fertility treatment.  she said I should probably be scheduled to have an ultrasound done of my uterus and ovaries. I told her I already had that done back in June.  I told her that the record should be in my file.  she looked it up in her computer and after a minute or two said, "I think you have PCOS."  as you can imagine, I was shocked! I told her how could that be when the nurse before told me that I was clear of that. she said the study was kind of hard to read, but based on her interpretation it look like polycystic ovaries.  because of my excessive body tissue it was kind of hard to read. so she said from here on out we will be considered PCOS related infertility.  she said that she wanted to get me started on metformin because I exhibit symptoms of insulin resistance.  that's what I was hoping for back in May when I originally came. I knew I was right! I know my body! the next few words out of her mouth were so relieving to me.  she basically said because of my age and how many years we been trying to conceive, we needed to try to get me pregnant pronto! she would start me on metformin to take as soon as possible and give me provera to jump start my period. then she gave me a prescription to take progesterone to help increase my endomitrial lining to sustain a pregnancy, should I become pregnant. She also said she would start me on Clomid! the heavens part and the angels sang!  Lol.  I've been reading lots of blogs, going to message board communities, and watching YouTube videos of women suffering from PCOS and infertility.  I know exactly what this meant. basically the clomid will start your ovulation, by helping your eggs mature.  that will help initiate pregnancy should all things go well. I won't be able to start this medication until cycle date 3, but until then, I'm going to finish my dosage of provera. she said we would two cycles of clomid, and if not pregnant by January, we would take more aggressive measure (meaning "trigger" injections of HCG).  As for now, I'm just waiting on AF to come. until then all I can do is wait. once AF comes, on the third day I can start the clomid from CD 3 to 7. once I finish that I wait until CD 16 to start my progesterone supplements. as stated before this will help maintain my endometrial lining for the pregnancy.  if after CD 32 / 34, and AF comes, I'll stop the progesterone and I'll allow her to ruin my month lol. because obviously that means I'm not pregnant. during those 2 days I should take HPT to confirm. if BFN, I will repeat for the next cycle in January. if AF  hasn't shown, I will again confirm with HPT on those days. if BFP ( crossing our fingers), I will continue to take the progesterone during the remainder of pregnancy.   if no BFP by then, we will start the HCG injections I'm kind of excited but dreading it at the same time. I'm hoping it won't get to that point because then we're talking about more money spent.  these trigger shots are also linked with risk of multiples. even though it sounds nice, medically I know the risks involved with those pregnancies. with the clomid, there's a small percentage of risk of multiples but very slight. either way, hubby is hoping for twins! I wouldn't mind, as long as I have a healthy pregnancy.  all this makes me very hopeful and I have a newfound energy.  I haven't stated before but last couple of months I've been in a pretty bad funk.  I was depressed, gaining weigh,t and crying almost everyday. I spoke with a friend of mine and she suggested therapy.  I'm thankful that my work provide this free service.  I went 3 times as my benefits allowed me, to talk to a therapist.  I'm not really feeling her but I enjoyed our conversations and getting to find out more about my husband since he goes as well. we have since used our 3 visits and now I'm paying through our insurance. we have gone to see her four times already and have made in a 5th appointment.  I have yet to cry though, I was expecting it.  after our second visit, that's when everything started looking up and so I really haven't had any problems with the depression anymore. I now have a better outlook on life and i'm on my way to losing weight. it's been a slow and steady journey and will continue to be. I know it will never be easy for me to lose the weight since now I have been recently diagnosed with PCOS. I'm happy to know there is reason for all my symptoms, and happy to know that I was right all along. not many know people know this, but PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. many cases go undiagnosed. and more women actually have it then you would think.  I have decided to be pretty open about all my medical issues with regards to TTC. I think it helps me cope better with the reality. it also opens other's eyes to what women are facing on a daily basis; it is a struggle.

my mom and I are very close and I think this has brought us closer. although she suffered a different condition during her to TCC years (endometriosis), she understands the struggles I go through every day.  my family, I thought would be the most supportive.  I really haven't explained things to my dad, and I don't think he really needs to know. I think it would just be TMI for him. maybe my mom discusses it with him; I really don't care. my sister, on the other hand, I opened up to her the other day. like I said, I expected my family to be the most supportive. I was extremely disappointed to find out that she has no clue what it's like to be in my shoes.  I was hurt the day I told her... she basically said I shouldn't go through all this trouble and should look into adoption.  she basically said that if my body is not responding to anything, then I shouldn't try.  because it was so easy for her to get pregnant she does not understand a clue. then to make matters worse, my brother in law walks in during our conversation and overhears.  his response to all this was, "are you sure you're ready?" even after I told him yes, no doubt. he said, "are you really ready? kids are lot of responsibility. kids require a lot of money. you have to stop going out. baby become your first priority. if they get sick you have to take them to the doctor, you have to miss work. you also just can't get up and go. You need a babysitter. you have to constantly watch them. no more leaving things to the last minute."

and on and on and on
you get it.

really?

I didn't know that.
you mean to tell me having kids is a big job for the rest of my life?
you mean I can't keep doing the same thing I've always been doing?
I can't go out?
I can't hang out my friends?
you mean that Louis Vuitton bag that I've been eyeing has to be put on hold?
you mean I can't just splurge my IRS refund?

you got to be kidding me!
I had no idea! you make it seem so easy!
I mean you had 4 kids and you wanted more? Now you have 5!
were you ready for your son? were you prepared? I mean REALLY prepared?
I mean, it's only been 2 years since we've been married, but I think a little bit more time would be appropriate don't you think? I mean we've only just begun right?
when is anyone ever really ready for a baby?
yeah 32 IS a little young to be thinking about kids right now. 

you're right

what was I ever thinking?...

...  and surprisingly enough JC walks into the room. "babe guess what?", I say. "Steph and Oscar are asking are we really ready for a baby?" "yes", he says. "well, I mean they're saying it's a lot of trouble. they're saying if it's taking us so much effort for us to have our own that maybe we should adopt."


..... to be cont'd....