It's Official

Well, it's official. Today is CD 37 and AF still has not shown.  I took a third HPT test this morning, and drumroll...

 

I'm NOT pregnant.  :(

 

I guess that means my body back to square one. So much for my hopes and dreams this year to finally have a baby. As much as I didn't want to get my hopes up, I did. Especially with everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies, I figured there was something going around, something in the water.  But apparently not. Maybe it's the $6000 water filtration we installed 2 years ago in our home.  Maybe it's filtering out all the pregnancy hormones.  Lol.  I only wish.

 

So my good friend had her baby on Tuesday. I can't wait to meet her little man.  My BFF.s baby bump is coming along nicely.  Pregnancy suits her well.  As much as it pains me to say this, this will not be our year.  And perhaps not even within the next two years.  And as much as it hurts me to see negative test after test, I think I've finally come to a conclusion.  Hubby and I were discussing it, and it seems IVF is our only option for now.  What does that mean? Well it means we have to save up, wait until DH is done with school and working a steady job.  Even if we have to get a loan, as I've seen many other TTCs do, we won't be financially stable until we see what our future brings.  DH's program will be two years.  So until then, I decided to hold off on any plans for a baby. Believe me, it hurts so much to have to say that. And right now it's the only thing we can do.  It's a decision I had to make to keep my sanity.  Of course we won't stop "trying", we'll never stop trying.  But now that the nursery has been converted and all the baby stuff has been put in storage, it will be a little bit easier.... hopefully.  I have decided to be the best and I can be, the best friend I can be, the best aunt, daughter and sister I can be, and of course the best wife I can be.  Just can't see motherhood in my near future, and so I have to accept that fact.  Though this is a hard pill to swallow, I need to look at it as a blessing in disguise.  DH and I have always wanted to travel, maybe this means we were meant for a life of traveling and experiencing new and different cultures.

 

So unless by some miracle of conception, this blog will be on hold for a while.  Perhaps I will still update if I decide to test again a year from now... Or if AF is unusually late (which doesn't exist).  Maybe I will change the title of this blog and use it to document our experience with being host parents for international students.  That will be the closest thing to motherhood I will get to experience.

 

So here's to hoping that life treats you kindly, and that you are blessed with wonderful children. I must go on my way... signing off....

CD 34 and Some Thoughts

So today I got to thinking... Today is CD 34 and AF has yet to arrive. Not that I'm trying to get my hopes up, but I do find it a bit peculiar. Since Dec, which is when I had my first medicated cycle, I've been "regular". I've had 3 cycles in a row all between 24-26 days. I stopped meds in Jan, and since then have had 2 cycles. Today is day 34 and I'm beginning to wonder if my body is back at square one... A sad thought. However there is a glimmer of hope, though I'm trying not to look too much into it.

A few days ago, I had some spotting that only lasted two days. I warned DH that AF would soon be visiting, as I've had this type of spotting before. Armed with pantyliners, I was prepared for her impending visit. Two days later, spotting was very, very light if not gone. Odd, I thought, though this has happened to me before... Slight spotting, then nothing, then the flood doors open. I figured this would be the same thing. Then today after using the bathroom this morning and still seeing absolutely nothing for the 4th day in a row, I'm now confused. What was that spotting all about? After my shower and getting ready for work this morning, I decide that tomorrow I will test. Not because I think I'm PG, but because AF still hasn't shown and who knows. So I set out a test by the toilet, to remind me to test tomorrow morning. (And just FYI, I did take 2 HPTs early last week anticipating a PG, but both were negative.)

At work this morning after using the bathroom again after my morning dose of caffeine, I looked down and STILL nothing. Not a drop. Weird.... I think. Two days of spotting and still no AF. How can that be? Then literally I hear that record scratch sound effect in my head. Implantation bleeding.... could it be? I log on desperately to my FF account. Spotting started Wednesday... Counting backwards... 11 days since last BD (CD 18). I don't know about O, since I haven't temp'd this cycle. So putting all this together in my head, I text DH and tell him what's going on. I looked online and it said implantation bleeding can occur 4-14 days after conception. This makes sense if you stop and think about it, but I'm trying not to count all my chickens, if you know what I mean. But it doesn't help that i have a slow day at work today, so it's all I can think about this morning. Great... And to think I drank all weekend. Hubby says not to worry, that lots of women drink not knowing they're PG very early in their pregnancies. I know this, but still I worry, because we've waited so long. Will update tomorrow.

Blessings in Disguise

So today was my meeting with a potential employer.  We met over lunch.  The meeting went really well and he was impressed with my work history and experience.  The meeting lasted longer than we both expected, but in a good way :)  He basically hired me on the spot, but needed to run things through with his accountant, doctor, and office manager.  Company is pretty new to the area and staff is kinda small.  He said work would only be part-time with FT potential in the future.  I told him that was perfect, since right now I'm only looking for PT.  We discussed networking together since we have a couple of the same connections.  I walked out of our meeting feeling really good.

Since I was in the area, I decided to stop by one of the doc's office I worked at with my other company.  They have half-days on Friday, so I caught them just in time as they were locking up.  Doc wasn't aware the extent of the company issues, and I explained that alot of us were laid off.  He and I had developed a good comraderie, so I was pretty open about it with him.  I told him I'd keep in touch since I'm pretty sure he will still need some of the services I provide.  Plus he is one of my personal medical providers so I'm sure, I'm gonna want to stay in contact.  He and his staff were sad to see me go, but hopefully we can work something out.  I gave them all hugs.

On my way to pick up a couple of movies for this weekend, I got a call from the office manager/co-executive of the potential employer from today.  She was really nice and we hit it off immediately.  She works in a different city, but works from her home doing insurance billing, scheduling appointments, and basically running the office with what she can.  Turns out that she used to work for my old company as well and left them just a little over a month ago after deciding not to return from maternity leave.  Now she's a SAHM and tries to work from her home as much as possible.  We both knew about each other, but never met.  Funny how things work out.  So our phone conversation lasted over an hour and we spoke about a multitude of things.  Like I said, we really took to each other.  She too was impressed with my knowledge and expertise.  She said I'd make an excellent addition to the company.  I also discovered that she is on the comittee that runs the board exams and education for my field of work.  I haven't been very active with that society since they collect annual dues and plus I didn't have alot of time to dedicate to it.  However, I thought that with her connection, it would be an excellent opportunity for me to jump into the educational aspect of what I do.  Already, I will be meeting with the program director at one of the colleges that offers degree programs in my field.  So with this new connection, I am thinking of doing some teaching work on the side (and also try to put in to work as a board examiner) as well as get clinical experience with the new job.  I think it would offer the perfect balance.  It still doesn't help the issue of getting FT benefits like medical insurance.  We still have a few months to figure it out and hopefully we can work out something to get on DH's company's insurance.  We'll see.  I'm not worried about it at the moment.  So I'm super excited to start this new venture and I'm on cloud 9 right about now.

Finally, I called my doc's office to inquire about the self pay services since I still plan on going next Wed for my monitoring.  I don't know why I thought that it would be hugely expensive, and I was waiting for the blow.  As it turns out, they provide a 20% discount for office visits for cash paying patients!  So that's really good.  Plus I would get $100 off the u/s cost.  She quoted me $120 for the office visit and $100 for the u/s, so I'd be out of pocket $220 for that day.  Not bad, I can deal with that.  So again I'm super excited and optimistic.  Please don't let me down follies.  That's all I need, another let down to add to my crappy holiday news.  Keeping FX!  Will update soon.

Look what came in the mail the other day.  50 pk OPK and 3pk digital HPTs.  Yay for TTC!  :p lol

CD1

Okay, so unfortunately that last cycle was a negative.  AF came this morning and so it's obvious I'm not pregnant :(  Oh well, we are going to try again this month.  Hopefully my body will be in better shape now that I'm not worried about the house anymore.  Turns out that we were approved for the mortgage loan and now definately getting the house!  Part of the reason I was stressing so much last month was because there was a chance we might not get the house and we were having to submit different documents and write letters.  But now that it is all behind us and we can move forward, my stress level has diminished significantly.

So I must admit, I had a weak moment and tested early last week.  As I mentinoned in my previous blog, my test date was supposed to be Sept 14th.  But I got overly anxious and tested 4 times last week.  As you can guess, they all came out negative and after each one, I got a little more disappointed.  On Thursday last week, I hit a low point and felt really depressed all day.  I didn't want to do anything, and it didn't help that I wasn't scheduled to work that day.  I just wanted to crawl under my covers and sleep all day.  I think a combination of getting the good news about the house (having that tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders), and seeing negative HPTs day after day just sent my emotions into a whirlwind and made me feel so down that day.  By the next day I was fine, and I was hoping that the emotional swing was brought on by pregnancy.  I guess not... lol.

It took my mom over 9 years to conceive me, her 1st child.  This was contributed by an underlying condition she was not aware of at first, endometriosis.  Thankfully I don't have this issue, but the obesity will make it difficult for us to conceive regardless.  Funny how things are so similiar between me and my mom, yet my sister (pardon my slang) got knocked up at 16.  She now has 5 beautiful children who I adore and am thankful have an active role in my life.  Those 5 angels, our 3 little furbabies (dogs), a loving family, and a supportive husband makes this difficult time a little easier to handle.  My mom told me that during those years when she was TTC and a friend or relative announced their pregnancy, though she was happy for them, it stirred up some very private emotions for her.  That "sadness" (if that's how it is described) has come to me a time or two and I'm beginning to understand what she meant.  Plus it doesn't help when friends and family ask the age old question, "So when are you gonna have kids?"  Funny how I used to be one of those people to ask.  Now I just smile politely and give a little laugh... "Soon, I hope.  We are trying to settle in/ get a house/ establish a home..." and whatever else I can muster up as an excuse.  JC and I have been discussing whether or not to admit we are TTC.  It's a difficult decision because it is a private manner which few people talk about.  I guess that's why I blog... it is a means to vent my emotions.

Anyways, that is all for today.  Let's hope this month is a lucky one.  Our one year anniversary is next month, and a big fat positive (BFP) would be the ultimate anniversary gift for both of us!

p.s. CD1 = cycle day 1