A Night with Friends BEDA #2

So exited for tonight's activities!  We have couples date night planned.  There will be a big group of us hanging out to go out to eat, bowling, and end the night dancing.  It's been awhile since we've gone bowling or to a club to go dancing. 

I didn't get much cleaning done today.  But I did get a chance to dust off our coffee table, throw out a bunch of old magazines, and go through and shred a bunch of mail and old documents that were cluttering our dining room table.  Still lots to get done, but I'm hoping to make more leeway tomorrow.

CD 28 Update

It's CD 28 today and still no AF.  I tested Sunday, but  no BFP.  Maybe I'm jumping the gun.  AF had been coming every 24-26 days for the past 3 months, so you see where my impatience stems from.  I can't really say I'm late since other than the 2 medicated cycles and last cycle, I'd never really been regular to begin with.  I check my underwear constantly looking for any signs of spotting, yet secretly hoping AF doesn't come (because I'm KU).  I'm torturing myself :(  As I stated in my previous blog, I have not temped this cycle.  I'm even forgetting to check CM (which I was never really good at remembering anyway), but I did have a couple of weak moments where I did an OPK.  All negative.

I know it's been a few weeks since I last blogged, and this will probably be a trend since nothing is happening in this barren womb of mine.  Yes, I'm having a pity party right now.  I hadn't thought about TTC in a while, but catching up on YouTube subscriptions and bloggers, I realize that the world has gone on without me.  Several gals have gotten their BFP, friends have had babies, and yet I am stuck in what seems like eternal limbo.  I didn't realize it until now.  Truthfully, I haven't had time to even think about it.  I've been busy with work, working on course development for my summer class, catching up with friends, and redecorating/rearranging rooms for our students.  Speaking of, the rooms are coming along nicely.  We converted our guest room into the bedroom the girls will share and the "nursery" into a study/home gym.  Both rooms are finally fully painted.  We moved the full size bed out of the guest room and moved it into our room (though we downgraded from a queen, but we've been needing to replace our bed anyways... I guess the end result from too much BDing... hahahahaha) and moved in two twin size beds.  Then we placed a nightstand in between them. We moved a chest of drawers from my mom's house into the girls' room, I added some nice bedding and curtains and VOILA!  We now have a teenager's room.  My maternal instinct was on overdrive this past weekend fixing up the rooms, I tell ya.  Then with all the baby stuff moved out of the nursery and locked away in storage, we were able to make the room into the new study/gym.  A big change from the emptiness that the room had.  With all the baby stuff moved out, it's a bit of a relief not having it staring at me every time I walk into that room.  The only thing baby related that is in our house, besides the nursery painted walls, are the vintage carousel horse left in the study (I couldn't bear to leave it in storage), and the glider/ottoman (which I put in the girls' room for lounging).  I will post some before and after pics soon, hopefully.

Other than that, no real updates.  It seems like I'm getting lazier and more lethargic by the week.  It's like I don't give a damn.  I've probably gained a little weight... I wouldn't be surprised.  I've been doing more social drinking.  We've been eating out a lot more.  Exercising is on the bottom of my list right now.  I just have NO motivation whatsoever.  Plus, I've stopped taking my Vitex and pre-natal vitamins.  However, I'm still going to acupuncture twice a week.  Hubby says he wants to start losing weight; usually I'm the one trying to get him on board.  But now, I'm like "go ahead... I'll catch up".  I'm hoping I can find some motivation in seeing him lose the weight, then maybe that'll give me the push I need.

Hope

 Yay!  Looked what arrived in the mail last week.  I love it!  It's symbolic and means so much to me.  The pic is a little fuzzy, but basically it's a pendant with baby feet and the words "one day..." engraved into it.  Then there is an orange crystal charm.  Orange is the colored ribbon used for IF awareness.  I changed out the chain because the one that came with it is very thin.  I'm now wearing it around my neck.  I showed DH and he smiled :)

 

 

I'm making good progress with cleaning out the rooms.  I've still got tons of boxes of stuff, but I'm putting them in storage for now.  Painting will have to be done in a couple of months seeing as work has picked up and March will be a busy month for us.  Will post pics in the near future.  Also, we had a visit from the area representative of the exchange program this weekend. So far so good and she says we are good to keep moving forward with the process of hosting the international student.  So the application is complete and we are just working on getting stuff handled with the school here.  So far we have chosen one girl.  Her name is Sara and she is from Germany.  She has a lot in common, hobby-wise, with us so that is the reason we chose her.  We are super excited.  More info to come soon! 

The Room

As infertiles, thoughts of babies can sometimes consume us.  I have been one of the more hopeful ones that has taken my imagination to another level.  Some of us dream of having a nursery one day and even go as far as moving forward with the hopes that a baby will be on board in the near future.  To add to that, I haven't made it a secret, that I've been stocking up on pre-conception baby buys.  I KNOW I'm not alone, as I have bonded with other gals for this very same reason.  It is without doubt that my  imagination has been filled with thoughts of one day having a baby to go with that nursery.

Right now, our "nursery" serves as a junk/storage room.  I will quote one of my fellow TTC bloggers, Liz, from Wishing on a Snowflake.  "Many infertiles have a junk room just like this. It's the room that is the would-be nursery, but ends up being a messy, cluttered, and out-of-control physical representation of their lives. It's a painful reminder of what they don't have, and may never have. It's limbo."  So you can only imagine how this makes me feel everytime I step into The Room. Hopefully that will all change with this new chapter of our lives.  As I had mentioned in a previous post, DH and I were considering hosting a foreign exchange student this coming school year.  Well after discussion, we have decided to move forward with the process and have already passed the first stage... background checks.  We got the word that we have now been accepted into the program and are in the student selection process.  Because we feel that we will be such AWESOME parents one day, we both decided that we would like to host TWO students!  I can't describe how undeniable my maternal instinct is right now.  It's on overdrive!  LOL.  So we talked about it and we are planning on hosting two girls.  I have two nieces that will be around the same age, so I think having female students will be nice.  They will both be high schoolers.

So with that, today will be spent cleaning and getting our house ready. I know that doesn't sound very exciting at face value, but it actually is. Because today marks the start of moving away from the dreadfulness of that room.  Some time ago I wanted to paint The Room, so had to move all the junk that was stored in it into our guest room. Well, after finding out about that failed cycle, I quit mid-paint project and now we literally have a half painted empty junk room (metaphor for my uterus.... perhaps, hahaha) and a junky guest bedroom (my ovaries?  bwahaha). I wasn't  motivated enough to finish or organize either.  But that is changing today.  We now will convert The Room into a study/home gym.  The girls will be sharing the guest bedroom, and we will put two desks, a computer and workout equipment into the newly defined extra room.  That means packing up and storing all of our baby stuff.  It's kind of a bittersweet feeling, but I'm super excited to make the changes.  This is very symbolic, it means I'm ready to move forward and stop obsessing about TTC.  I'm hoping that by hosting the girls this year, it will help soothe some of those maternal cravings.  I can "RELAX" (sarcastically speaking), like so many of the unsolicited advise people say.  Of course this doesn't mean we are going to stop trying, and I don't know if we ever will.  But I AM GOING TO FINISH painting that room and until we do become pregnant, I can put it to good use.

Finally, the pain can slowly subside....

CD 21 & Hubby Love

Well it seems as if the trigger is finally coming out of my system... I did an OPK yesterday and today and they were both negative. I've been doing pretty good lately, although these past two days I've been dealing with allergies and loose stools (TMI, sorry). I'm not reading too much into that, however. I've also been surprisingly calm these last few days, like no worries. What a nice change of pace. :) I woke up from a late nap a few hours ago, and I feel a little feverish, though my temp is normal. I hope I'm not coming down with anything. I made a promise to myself not to consume any alcohol while in this 2WW (if I can even call it that, since my chart still has no spike), but funny how I've been craving coffee recently. I've had it pretty much every day this week. I told hubby how ironic that I've sworn off alcohol, yet I'm still drinking coffee. I'm going to try and stop that too. (But this cold weather makes me want to enjoy a nice hot cup.) I haven't had any today, YAY! I am excited that next week I will be able to test. I am counting down the days.

In other news, DH has been seriously stressing about our future. I have to admit, we have had to deal with alot on our plate recently. But it's weird because it's usually me that's stressed out and here I am trying to reassure hubby that all is going to be okay. He started his spring semester in school this week and he's taking three classes plus working full time. Also, I still haven't found steady work. I mean, I've picked up two extra days of PT work, but we are still trying to recover, financially, from my recent lay-off. And now, we just found out that our house needs a little work on it too. Plus on top of everything we are dealing with IF. After his first two days of class, he came home pretty overwhelmed with all the expectations of his courses. I told him that now that I have more time on my hands I can help him out. After all, I've been in school pretty much most of my life, so I know what and what not to do. I don't like seeing him stressed like this, especially when I'm trying to be positive and optimistic about this cycle. But I think with the pressure of perhaps bringing a baby into the picture he feels very overwhelmed. I understand it's a lot to deal with at one time, but like I explained to hubby, we just need to take one thing at a time. I used a metaphor with him last night when trying to explain things. I said...

It's like putting mayo in your sandwich... If you scoop a spoonful of mayo and plop it on a slice of bread, you're not expected to eat it like that. Yes, of course it seems like alot... but that's if your planning on biting into it like that. And who would do that, certainly not you and me. You have to spread it out the bread slice. Right? That way what seemed like alot at first is now spread out evenly in each bite. I told him that's how we have to approach our issues right now. Yes, we've had a lot to deal with in these past few weeks, but you'd be insane to try and tackle it all at once. You need to deal with these things slowly and with care, making sure to spread it out over time. Yes, I'm not making nearly as much money as I was with my FT job, but I'm still working... I'm still bringing in money. I've got three jobs. I work 3 days a week and I just found out I may be picking up another job (more about that later). Yes, your classes may seem hard at first, but remember, you have your weekends free to study. Plus I will help you out. I'm a pro at these classes. They are what I live through everyday (he's taking Human Anatomy & Physiology and Medical Terminology), I can help you with studying. I can make it seem less difficult. Work, unfortunately can't change. Yes, they are stressing you out over there. But you are only human, you can't be expected to do EVERYTHING. I know you usually try to and that's what makes you such a good, hard working man. But remember, you are not dedicated to this place and you may be soon leaving in a few months if our plans stay on track. Just grin and bear it. Sometimes that's all you can do. The house needs a little work, yes, but we can tackle that gradually. It doesn't all need to be fixed in one day. Slow and steady wins the race. And finally IF... who knows if this cycle will be successful. Yes, this is the farthest we've come and yes, there is chance this may finally be the start of a new chapter. But again it's one day at a time. Babies early on don't require alot of spending. Thank goodness we've decided to cloth diaper and we've already purchased a bassinett. I'm an avid supporter of breastfeeding for the first year, and hopefully I won't have any problems with it. That also will save us money. We both have very supportive families and if it ever comes down to it, I'm sure they can lend a helping hand if need be. I somehow have this feeling that things will turn out okay. I think that's why I've been so calm lately. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones, who knows! (Wishful thinking) But we are here and surviving just fine. Carpe diem. Tomorrow will bring different opportunities, so you just have to take it one day at a time. Times like this will only strengthen our bond and bring us closer together. I love you forever and always.

CD1

Okay, so unfortunately that last cycle was a negative.  AF came this morning and so it's obvious I'm not pregnant :(  Oh well, we are going to try again this month.  Hopefully my body will be in better shape now that I'm not worried about the house anymore.  Turns out that we were approved for the mortgage loan and now definately getting the house!  Part of the reason I was stressing so much last month was because there was a chance we might not get the house and we were having to submit different documents and write letters.  But now that it is all behind us and we can move forward, my stress level has diminished significantly.

So I must admit, I had a weak moment and tested early last week.  As I mentinoned in my previous blog, my test date was supposed to be Sept 14th.  But I got overly anxious and tested 4 times last week.  As you can guess, they all came out negative and after each one, I got a little more disappointed.  On Thursday last week, I hit a low point and felt really depressed all day.  I didn't want to do anything, and it didn't help that I wasn't scheduled to work that day.  I just wanted to crawl under my covers and sleep all day.  I think a combination of getting the good news about the house (having that tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders), and seeing negative HPTs day after day just sent my emotions into a whirlwind and made me feel so down that day.  By the next day I was fine, and I was hoping that the emotional swing was brought on by pregnancy.  I guess not... lol.

It took my mom over 9 years to conceive me, her 1st child.  This was contributed by an underlying condition she was not aware of at first, endometriosis.  Thankfully I don't have this issue, but the obesity will make it difficult for us to conceive regardless.  Funny how things are so similiar between me and my mom, yet my sister (pardon my slang) got knocked up at 16.  She now has 5 beautiful children who I adore and am thankful have an active role in my life.  Those 5 angels, our 3 little furbabies (dogs), a loving family, and a supportive husband makes this difficult time a little easier to handle.  My mom told me that during those years when she was TTC and a friend or relative announced their pregnancy, though she was happy for them, it stirred up some very private emotions for her.  That "sadness" (if that's how it is described) has come to me a time or two and I'm beginning to understand what she meant.  Plus it doesn't help when friends and family ask the age old question, "So when are you gonna have kids?"  Funny how I used to be one of those people to ask.  Now I just smile politely and give a little laugh... "Soon, I hope.  We are trying to settle in/ get a house/ establish a home..." and whatever else I can muster up as an excuse.  JC and I have been discussing whether or not to admit we are TTC.  It's a difficult decision because it is a private manner which few people talk about.  I guess that's why I blog... it is a means to vent my emotions.

Anyways, that is all for today.  Let's hope this month is a lucky one.  Our one year anniversary is next month, and a big fat positive (BFP) would be the ultimate anniversary gift for both of us!

p.s. CD1 = cycle day 1