Chain, Chain, Chain...

My TTC necklace broke last week.  Hmmmm, I wonder if that was a sign of some sort.  Or maybe foreshadowing.  Then again, DH would say it's just coincidence.

It's Official

Well, it's official. Today is CD 37 and AF still has not shown.  I took a third HPT test this morning, and drumroll...

 

I'm NOT pregnant.  :(

 

I guess that means my body back to square one. So much for my hopes and dreams this year to finally have a baby. As much as I didn't want to get my hopes up, I did. Especially with everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies, I figured there was something going around, something in the water.  But apparently not. Maybe it's the $6000 water filtration we installed 2 years ago in our home.  Maybe it's filtering out all the pregnancy hormones.  Lol.  I only wish.

 

So my good friend had her baby on Tuesday. I can't wait to meet her little man.  My BFF.s baby bump is coming along nicely.  Pregnancy suits her well.  As much as it pains me to say this, this will not be our year.  And perhaps not even within the next two years.  And as much as it hurts me to see negative test after test, I think I've finally come to a conclusion.  Hubby and I were discussing it, and it seems IVF is our only option for now.  What does that mean? Well it means we have to save up, wait until DH is done with school and working a steady job.  Even if we have to get a loan, as I've seen many other TTCs do, we won't be financially stable until we see what our future brings.  DH's program will be two years.  So until then, I decided to hold off on any plans for a baby. Believe me, it hurts so much to have to say that. And right now it's the only thing we can do.  It's a decision I had to make to keep my sanity.  Of course we won't stop "trying", we'll never stop trying.  But now that the nursery has been converted and all the baby stuff has been put in storage, it will be a little bit easier.... hopefully.  I have decided to be the best and I can be, the best friend I can be, the best aunt, daughter and sister I can be, and of course the best wife I can be.  Just can't see motherhood in my near future, and so I have to accept that fact.  Though this is a hard pill to swallow, I need to look at it as a blessing in disguise.  DH and I have always wanted to travel, maybe this means we were meant for a life of traveling and experiencing new and different cultures.

 

So unless by some miracle of conception, this blog will be on hold for a while.  Perhaps I will still update if I decide to test again a year from now... Or if AF is unusually late (which doesn't exist).  Maybe I will change the title of this blog and use it to document our experience with being host parents for international students.  That will be the closest thing to motherhood I will get to experience.

 

So here's to hoping that life treats you kindly, and that you are blessed with wonderful children. I must go on my way... signing off....

CD 34 and Some Thoughts

So today I got to thinking... Today is CD 34 and AF has yet to arrive. Not that I'm trying to get my hopes up, but I do find it a bit peculiar. Since Dec, which is when I had my first medicated cycle, I've been "regular". I've had 3 cycles in a row all between 24-26 days. I stopped meds in Jan, and since then have had 2 cycles. Today is day 34 and I'm beginning to wonder if my body is back at square one... A sad thought. However there is a glimmer of hope, though I'm trying not to look too much into it.

A few days ago, I had some spotting that only lasted two days. I warned DH that AF would soon be visiting, as I've had this type of spotting before. Armed with pantyliners, I was prepared for her impending visit. Two days later, spotting was very, very light if not gone. Odd, I thought, though this has happened to me before... Slight spotting, then nothing, then the flood doors open. I figured this would be the same thing. Then today after using the bathroom this morning and still seeing absolutely nothing for the 4th day in a row, I'm now confused. What was that spotting all about? After my shower and getting ready for work this morning, I decide that tomorrow I will test. Not because I think I'm PG, but because AF still hasn't shown and who knows. So I set out a test by the toilet, to remind me to test tomorrow morning. (And just FYI, I did take 2 HPTs early last week anticipating a PG, but both were negative.)

At work this morning after using the bathroom again after my morning dose of caffeine, I looked down and STILL nothing. Not a drop. Weird.... I think. Two days of spotting and still no AF. How can that be? Then literally I hear that record scratch sound effect in my head. Implantation bleeding.... could it be? I log on desperately to my FF account. Spotting started Wednesday... Counting backwards... 11 days since last BD (CD 18). I don't know about O, since I haven't temp'd this cycle. So putting all this together in my head, I text DH and tell him what's going on. I looked online and it said implantation bleeding can occur 4-14 days after conception. This makes sense if you stop and think about it, but I'm trying not to count all my chickens, if you know what I mean. But it doesn't help that i have a slow day at work today, so it's all I can think about this morning. Great... And to think I drank all weekend. Hubby says not to worry, that lots of women drink not knowing they're PG very early in their pregnancies. I know this, but still I worry, because we've waited so long. Will update tomorrow.

CD 28 Update

It's CD 28 today and still no AF.  I tested Sunday, but  no BFP.  Maybe I'm jumping the gun.  AF had been coming every 24-26 days for the past 3 months, so you see where my impatience stems from.  I can't really say I'm late since other than the 2 medicated cycles and last cycle, I'd never really been regular to begin with.  I check my underwear constantly looking for any signs of spotting, yet secretly hoping AF doesn't come (because I'm KU).  I'm torturing myself :(  As I stated in my previous blog, I have not temped this cycle.  I'm even forgetting to check CM (which I was never really good at remembering anyway), but I did have a couple of weak moments where I did an OPK.  All negative.

I know it's been a few weeks since I last blogged, and this will probably be a trend since nothing is happening in this barren womb of mine.  Yes, I'm having a pity party right now.  I hadn't thought about TTC in a while, but catching up on YouTube subscriptions and bloggers, I realize that the world has gone on without me.  Several gals have gotten their BFP, friends have had babies, and yet I am stuck in what seems like eternal limbo.  I didn't realize it until now.  Truthfully, I haven't had time to even think about it.  I've been busy with work, working on course development for my summer class, catching up with friends, and redecorating/rearranging rooms for our students.  Speaking of, the rooms are coming along nicely.  We converted our guest room into the bedroom the girls will share and the "nursery" into a study/home gym.  Both rooms are finally fully painted.  We moved the full size bed out of the guest room and moved it into our room (though we downgraded from a queen, but we've been needing to replace our bed anyways... I guess the end result from too much BDing... hahahahaha) and moved in two twin size beds.  Then we placed a nightstand in between them. We moved a chest of drawers from my mom's house into the girls' room, I added some nice bedding and curtains and VOILA!  We now have a teenager's room.  My maternal instinct was on overdrive this past weekend fixing up the rooms, I tell ya.  Then with all the baby stuff moved out of the nursery and locked away in storage, we were able to make the room into the new study/gym.  A big change from the emptiness that the room had.  With all the baby stuff moved out, it's a bit of a relief not having it staring at me every time I walk into that room.  The only thing baby related that is in our house, besides the nursery painted walls, are the vintage carousel horse left in the study (I couldn't bear to leave it in storage), and the glider/ottoman (which I put in the girls' room for lounging).  I will post some before and after pics soon, hopefully.

Other than that, no real updates.  It seems like I'm getting lazier and more lethargic by the week.  It's like I don't give a damn.  I've probably gained a little weight... I wouldn't be surprised.  I've been doing more social drinking.  We've been eating out a lot more.  Exercising is on the bottom of my list right now.  I just have NO motivation whatsoever.  Plus, I've stopped taking my Vitex and pre-natal vitamins.  However, I'm still going to acupuncture twice a week.  Hubby says he wants to start losing weight; usually I'm the one trying to get him on board.  But now, I'm like "go ahead... I'll catch up".  I'm hoping I can find some motivation in seeing him lose the weight, then maybe that'll give me the push I need.