A Change is Gonna Come - Weeks 4-5

BETA #1 (8/25/2014) -  219
BETA #2 (8/27/2014) - 605
BETA #3 (8/29/14) - 1258

It's official!  We're pregnant!  I still can't believe it!

I tested another 2 times before the first BETA testing day came.  Then a couple of more times after that.  I was so paranoid.  I sent DH out to the dollar store to pick me up a few HPTs so that I could keep testing.  Finally after BETA#2 came back more than doubled, that eased my mind and I stopped POAS.  I was a little relieved.  Then my BETA#3 couldn't come soon enough and seemed like it took FOREVER for the clinic to update my results.  Everything is looking so good.  Our BETA #4 and first pregnancy ultrasound is scheduled for Wednesday the 3rd.  I can't wait!  DH will go with me. We will get to see the first picture of our little Frijole!

Symptoms Week 4-5: 
I am still unsure of how far along I am.  My pregnancy apps are calculating from my LMP (5 wks), but I know I ovulated late, so I adjusted it to when I think I ovulated and so it puts it back a few days (4.5 wks).  I'm looking forward to Wednesday so they can better calculate my EDD based on baby's measurements.  As for symptoms, I'm still having the twinges of pain/cramp-like sensations every once in awhile, but not as often as the first few days.  My breasts are still really tender to the point where it hurts to even wear a shirt sometimes.  I've noticed that they are changing too.  They are getting darker and my nipples are getting bigger.  I told this to DH and he looked at them and said he doesn't notice anything.  No real cravings yet, although I seem to be liking spicy, hot foods a lot more lately.  I have always liked spicy foods, but it seems l am adding hot sauce to a lot more things now.  Also my sense of smell seems more sensitive.  I am still on the progesterone which will probably continue through my first trimester.  DH took my first pregnancy photo today.  I'm a mess, but I couldn't care less... there's a baby growing in me!  As you can see, not much has changed.  I'm a big girl mind you, so most of what you see is me in all my natural glory,  LOL.

 

 

I've been doing a lot of research and reading.  It's so fun and interesting.  So far I've been reading.  "The Day-By-Day Pregnancy Book",  "How to Exercise When You're Expecting", "Your Pregnancy Week By Week", and "What to Expect the First Year".

 

 

 

I'm learning a lot of new things about not only pregnancy and how my body will be changing, but about what to expect for the future and how to take care of myself and baby.

 

I've also started looking into birthing centers, which if you recall from my earlier blogging, is where I would like to labor and deliver baby.  So far, I'm leaning more towards a birth center not too far from where I live.  I called them a couple of days ago to ask how soon I should come in for my first visit since I just found out I'm pregnant.  They said as soon as I can.  I told them I would schedule an appointment as soon as my RE released me from his care.  I explained that I had fertility treatments.

 

I am also looking forward to my local Birth Fair, which is a small convention/symposium catered to Natural Baby care (i.e. cloth diapering, baby wearing, birth centers, holistic therapy, breastfeeding, etc.)  It will be in early October.

 

The other day I had DH bring in and dust off the boxes of pre-baby buys I had stored away.  I remember how sad a day it was when I packed up everything for storage.  It was such a sweet, sweet feeling having him bring it in and opening it up again.   I've also started working on a baby/registry list.  I'm a planner and I'm OCD when it comes to making lists, just ask DH.  So I've done some research online and on community message boards so that I know what to expect when baby comes home.  We have a few things already from my pre-baby buying a few years ago and I started an Amazon Baby Registry back then which I've slowly added to over the years.  I still keep up with my YouTube Vloggers, and some of them have had babies, so whenever they would recommend a product, I'd add it to our registry.

 

Hubby and I have already discussed wanting to know the gender of baby Frijole.  We want to know as soon as possible so that we can start planning buys and decorating the nursery.  Plus we still have the name thing to figure out.  Even before getting KU, we had pretty much decided on a boy's name but even now, we are still undecided on a girl's name.  And for some reason, both of our mom want a  boy.  DH and I would be happy either way.  We also decided we would be doing a 4D US as soon as we're allowed.  I already know of a few places, and Groupon offers some great deals as well.

 

I am invited to one of my BFF's friend's daughter's 1st birthday next weekend, which will be out of town.  I am thinking of sharing the news with her then.  Plus, I also lent her a bassinet when she first found out she was pregnant, so I'm hoping I can bring it back with me. 

 

So I think I will let my sister know this Friday about our good news.  Our relationship has been kind of strained recently with all that's been going on in my family.  But I hope she can put that aside and be happy for us.  I want her to know she will know before any of my friends.

 

So now to enjoy the rest of our Labor Day weekend....



Glad to Be Back! BEDA #1

Wow!  It's been a while since my last post.  Over two months.  This is gonna be a long update.  But that's a good thing since I'm thinking of doing BEDA this year.  BEDA stands for Blog Every Day in August.  I got the idea from fellow YouTubers who do VEDA, and since I stopped posting videos, I decided why not do BEDA instead?  I'm a day late, but I think tonight's blog entry will make up for yesterday as well.  So here goes...

We've had quite a change in pace over the past 2 months here at home.  Though there has been a couple of obstacles to get around, most of the change has been for the better.  We are now well acquainted with our foreign exchange students.  We've been in communication with them regularly over the last month and a half and it's so exciting learning more and more about them.  They are both happily anticipating their visit here with us and already we've made huge plans in traveling and showing them what we like.  The list that I mentioned in my past blog has gotten even longer in length.  There's over 100 things that I've listed that I can't wait to show them.  Granted we probably won't be able to do all of it, but I'm hoping we can do most of it.  The girls will be coming in a few weeks, and though we are not quite ready for them yet (still working on getting them registered for school... still need to do some major cleaning around the house), we are almost there.  I keep procrastinating and putting off the cleaning for the weekends, but those "cleaning weekends" never seem to hash out.  We've always got something else better to do... lol.  Anyways, that's about the only thing I'm worried about.  Keeping my fingers crossed that we can make some progress on the cleaning this weekend, even though we've already got plans for the evening.

So just to share a little more information about our girls.  G, as you recall, is from Thailand.  She's the one we've been in contact with the longest (and probably the most "like" us).  She's kind of shy and timid, but she's super cute.  She's this tiny little thing, probably not even 5 foot tall, and under 100 lbs.  So cute, you just want to put her in your pocket.  She's still working on getting better at English, and she's a bit nervous about being able to communicate well with us and her fellow peers.  She's still attending school in Thailand and actually just completed her midterm exams.  She's also really involved in her cultural exchange organization that she participates in outside of school.  Unlike the U.S., in Thailand, school is strictly for educational subject classes like math, reading, history, government, language studies, etc.  Any sports or clubs that students wish to participate in, they have to do on their own time away from school.  G likes being in her cultural exchange program.  Already, she has spent a summer in New Zealand as a member of the organization.  They also recently had their annual prom, in which they got to celebrate and spend one more evening with their friends of the organization, before packing up and jetting off to their respective countries for the foreign exchange program.  G tells me that she has 3 more friends coming to the U.S., though none set for Texas.  She is super excited about coming here to Texas, as she has seen lots of pictures of the landscape, seen it portrayed in movies, and read about all the wonderful things to do while here in our city.  One of things she tells me she's most excited about is going horseback riding.  She's been once before in New Zealand and she really enjoyed it.  She's also excited to meet new friends, though she admits she's a little shy and quiet at first.  She's kind of glad M will also be staying with us, as it gives her an opportunity to make a friend before school starts.  She's also looking forward to getting involved with school sports, primarily swimming and perhaps cheerleading.  She wants to take Spanish class so that she can learn the language.  It's something she's been interested in for a while.  She enjoys the same music as me (in regards to American pop music) and said she's eager to learn how to dance.  I told her I like dancing all kinds of music, so she's excited for me to teach her a few things.  I told her I would like to learn how to cook Thai food and she eagerly offered to teach me.  Though she doesn't cook very much at home in Thailand, she has picked up a few things from her mother.  She's very eager to learn and experience as much as she can here with us and every time we email each other, she gives me a countdown as to when she arrives.

M is our other student.  She is from Germany.  She's very different from G, though I think that will only give them more to talk about when they are together.  She's a little more versed in travel and new experiences.  She loves the study of language and is also pretty fluent in Spanish.  She tells me she also has plans to learn French and Madarin Chinese.  Wow, how motivated she is!  She is also very involved in tennis in her homeland.  She competes in regular tournaments and hoping she can continue the sport while staying here with us.  We found out the high school does have a tennis team so hopefully she will be able to participate in that.  She also has an interest in cheerleading.  She seems a little more social and outspoken, though we've only communicated via email.  She spent the summer in Spain and actually just got back home this week.  Plus her birthday was a couple of days ago, so it's one thing after another and she seems to stay pretty busy.  Though we haven't had as much communication with her as we have with G, she does respond pretty thoroughly in her emails.  Her English writing is very good.  She also seems to enjoy the same kind of music as I do (we have some of the same favorite music artists).  She tells me she is looking forward to learning about the American culture.  She wants to be involved in foreign languages when she grows up, so she is hoping to also master the English language while staying here.  She tells me she's not much of a cook, but does enjoy her German food so she's eager to try the local German restaurant that I mentioned earlier.  She's not into spicy food much so I don't know how she'll handle Mexican and Thai food.  We shall see.  I told her about our local German festival and Oktoberfest and she says she's super excited to check it out.   One of things she tells me she's most excited about is going shopping.  What teenage girl isn't?  She tells me that she's heard that name brands (especially her favorites, Hollister and Ambercrombie) are pretty affordable here in the states, while in Germany it's really expensive.  She doesn't seem to be nervous at all about coming here to the U.S.  I asked her if she has ever traveled here and she said a couple of times to Ohio, where she has some distant relatives.  As much as she has traveled and studied Spanish, maybe I can learn a thing or two from her.

So those are our 2 students.  M just turned 17 and G is 16 and a half.  I'm still not sure what grades they'll be in since we still need to get them registered.  But like I said earlier, we already have so much planned for them.  I wanted to do something big for either the winter holiday break or spring break and since hubby is pretty much guaranteed mandatory overtime during December, I figured we could hold off until the spring break holiday.  So what I've started working on is planning a trip to Disney World!  I asked the girls first whether their parents would allow them to travel to Florida and whether they'd be able to afford their expenses for the trip.  They both discussed it with their family and happily agreed upon the trip.  They are both very excited to get to experience Disney since they haven't ever visited any of the theme parks around the world.  But of course what kid wouldn't be excited?!  Hubby and I are excited ourselves as we've never experienced it either.  So that is the big thing we have planned in March.  Another thing that hubby and I are planning is a Welcome to America party for the girls.  Just something to introduce them to other kids and some of our family and close friends.  We are trying to keep it as small as possible, but hubby and I love to throw parties, especially one that has music and barbeque.  And finally, and this came up just recently, we decided to invite them to UFC #166 when it comes to our city in October.  We weren't sure if they'd want to go, especially having never seen it and the tickets being so expensive.  But running it by their parents, they were ready to jump in for the experience.  So happy to say, we bought 4 tickets for the upcoming fights and can't wait to share our love of the sport with them.

And now moving on to less interesting news... As far as a TTC update, there's really nothing to report on.  It's on the back burner and not a priority in our life right now (something I thought I'd never hear myself say).  I don't want to say I've given up on it, but I've pretty much come to the realization that I'm not going to be a mom unless we adopt or until I can get pregnant.  And the getting pregnant thing won't be happening anytime soon.  We've both basically have an understanding that unless we have some serious medical intervention (i.e. IVF) that it won't be happening naturally.  It's the reality of the situation and right now I'm ok with that.  I can't say that I won't ever try other means again, but my body is so screwed up right now, that mother nature has pretty much crossed me off her list.  Yeah it sucks, but hey... shit happens.  And when I say screwed up I mean not only that I haven't had my period in almost 5 months (today is CD 141), but I've put on a few more pounds, and I haven't seen a doctor since we last tried with HCG in January.  And no, I'm not pregnant.  I take a HPT every first of the month to make sure I don't wind up on that show "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant".  Yesterday's test, just as expected came out with a BFN.  No surprise there... and it didn't even phase me.

As for the weight thing, yes I know, I know.  I can't believe I gained weight either.  I was a little depressed as the whole TTC came to a startling halt.  That probably contributed to it.  But mainly I blame it on letting go.  Since letting go of the whole TTC journey, I kinda was like "F- it!"  Before I was trying to lose the weight for babymaking, but since that's not gonna happen I decided to enjoy life.  Now that I have steady work and the paychecks are coming in regularly, hubby and I have been taking advantage and enjoying going to eat out.  We've both actually started to gain weight.  And then because I started working so much, I was skipping the gym.  And then I get home and I'm super tired and just want to lounge around the house.  It's a never ending cycle and I do want to get back on track especially with the girls coming.  I hate to validate the stereotype of fat and lazy Americans.  (I did some research on culture shock and one of the common first impressions from foreign exchange students are that Americans are fat and lazy.... boooooo)  Plus my girls seem really energetic and active and I want to be able to keep up with them.  I hope they will be able to motivate me.  Maybe I can get them on a student/child membership at the gym.  We'll see.

Finally, I just wanted to mention that this is the year for baby showers.  I told my mom the other day that I'm at that stage in life where everyone my age is getting pregnant.  It's kind of weird, kind of eerie, but I'm so thankful that I've put my TTC days behind me, because this year would suck royally had I still been TTC and not pregnant by now.  I finally re-activated my FB account, primarily to keep in touch with the girls (imagine life without social networking, how would we ever be in touch?  I mean who writes letters nowadays?... lol... that's sarcasm) and now that I'm back online and in full force, there are friends and family members announcing pregnancies and births left and right!  I'm thankful I have a job to afford all these gifts I'm buying.  I swear like every month I find out someone new is pregnant.  Happy for them, of course, but reminds me more and more that I'm not the one announcing it.  Not saying that in a bad way, just that these were some of the people asking me 3 years ago "So when are you gonna have kids?"  I guess time flies when you're having fun.

Well that's about all I gotta say for today.  Tomorrow is another day and I gotta think about what I want to write about.  So see you then.

New Changes

It's the weekend and hubby is at work doing some mandatory overtime.  I'm in the midst of cleaning the house and jamming to some music.  I was catching up on a friend's blog and decided to do a new post myself.  It's been almost a month since my last post.

So first things first.  I decided to change the title of my blog.  Though this will still chronicle our life through TTC, right now I'm more focused on blogging about our journey as host parents.  Our TTC-ing is on "hold" for now.  And I use the term hold loosely.  Meaning we are not actively trying yet not preventing any miracle that should so happen.  Today is CD 67 and still no signs of AF.  I took a HPT on Mother's Day for shits and giggles to see if maybe I was lucky enough to see a BFP, but kept my hopes at bay.  Slight disappointment at seeing the BFN, but nothing major.  No overwhelming sense of hopelessness like other times in the past.  I know those feelings are still in the pit of my soul, but hoping our new journey will keep my mind off those feelings for a bit.  In fact, the only reason I knew those feelings were still there, was because when catching up on my YouTubers' videos and seeing so many new pregnancies I just broke down and had a cry fest. So unexpected and I surprised even myself.  So yes, the desire still runs very deep in me.  Needless to say, I'll probably be staying off YouTube for a while.  I still haven't activated my FB yet.  I will admit, however, that I have a time or two snuck off with DH's phone to check on certain friends' status updates with his FB app.  Hahaha.  Just don't tell him ;)  I'm invited to two baby showers next month, one being my BFFs and I'm kind of nervous to see how I will react.  I've been pushing thoughts of babies out of my mind for a while.  We'll see...

Now we are getting ready to be host parents.  And we are SUPER EXCITED!!!  I can't even begin to explain how much I/we have been looking forward to this.  I need this and I think we will be good at it.  Earlier this year we applied to host an international student.  A good friend of mine posted on FB that one of her community church members was looking for new host parents for the upcoming school year.  I jumped at the opportunity.  Not only had I considered it myself when I was younger, but last year when one of my training instructors at work would share stories of her student, I knew it would be something I would be interested in doing if it ever came up.  And lo and behold I see that post.  I eagerly replied and got the information for applying, but I still needed to discuss it with DH.  After our discussion, it was pretty easy for him to jump on board.  He knew we had the room, the finances, and the desire to be host parents.  I guess my desire was a little stronger because I wanted to host TWO students... lol!  Call me crazy, but I think it's the right thing to do.  I've always wanted a big family.  I can imagine how nervous one student coming from a different country and living by themselves in a stranger's home can be.  Homesickness is prevalent among the students and I hope by having someone their age and with the same understanding, it will help ease their minds a little; help them settle in a little more comfortably.  Originally I wanted a sibling group, but the organization we are going through only allows double hosting of students from different countries.

We were on top of everything and got our paperwork done as soon as possible.  Any communication we had with our Area Rep, we were prompt to reply.  In fact she even commented that she wish all host parents were as quick and thorough as we were.  They did background checks on us, interviews, and home visits.  We passed with flying colors.  Then they sent us a couple of student profiles for us to choose from; someone that could blend well with our family.  Since it's just the two of us, we were pretty open minded.  I knew this could be a learning experience for both us and the students and I wanted someone completely different from our own culture, yet someone who had the same interests as us.  We ended up choosing one girl from Germany and one girl from Thailand.  They will be sharing the same room, so we had to choose the same gender and close in age.  S is from Germany.  She is 15 years old.  And G is from Thailand.  She is 16.  Two of my nieces are 13 and 14 years old, and we spend a lot of time with them, so we kind of know what to expect.  Plus they will be able to befriend them and help them adapt.  We did some serious redecorating and moving around furniture to accommodate them.  We turned our guest room into a double occupancy bedroom for the girls.

This is the guest bedroom from one angle.

And the same angle but now switched out for two twin beds and put in the nursery rocker.  Maybe they can use it in the meantime.

Guest bedroom from a different angle.

Same angle.  Switched out old tube TV for new flat screen with DVD.  Extra storage space that was supposed to be for the nursery.

 We also were debating whether to give them each their own room since we have a three bedroom house.  But instead decided to convert the "would be nursery" into a home office/study and mini gym since that's where we have stored the elliptical.  Here is the before.

And after.  We finished painting the room and put in two desks.  Desktop computer is from guest room.  But I hope they bring their own laptop, since it is sooo slow.  We barely even use it.

Some things are mismatched, but we are trying to be economical.  It serves its purpose so no biggie.

I've been updating a list I started since we first applied.  It's a list of all the things we can show them or take them to while they are here.  And it's slowing getting longer and longer.  I hope to give them the best experience possible.  We even scouted out our favorite Thai and German restaurants.  I hope they are as good and as true to the girls' own countries.  Eating here ourselves, we realized how DIFFERENT each country's cuisine is.  Thai food is HOT and SPICY.  German food is a lot more subtle (I hate to use the word bland) so I wonder what are the girls' thoughts.  I hope to learn as much from them as they from us.

It's so fun using the word "girls".  As in "When the girls are here..." and "I think the girls would like this..."  We've been telling our friends and family about them.  They all know that our lives will pretty much change after the summer.  Instead of just the two of us coming, there will be four of us.  Reservation for four please. 

There was a time where we weren't sure whether we would even get one girl.  The school's paperwork was lagging behind and they even lost one girl's paperwork in the shuffle.  We had to get our local school's permission before the girls could attend.  And the organization would only allow students to attend their host parents' local school.  I was afraid if the school dropped the ball or refused to sign off on them, we would lose both girls.  On top of that, we were getting updates from corporate office that our school had passed the deadline.  It was touch and go... but we were staying hopeful.  I actually just got word yesterday that both girls were approved and we were able to move forward with the process.  They had us fill out the application online again since the deadline had passed and we had to re-apply.  It was a small frustration, but with big rewards.  Our next step is to start communication with the girls.  Get to know each other a little before they come here.  We are just waiting on word form corporate.  The school registration is in August and we will need to get them registered.  S is going to be a junior and G is going to be a senior.  I wonder what that's going to be like.  Prom and graduation?  Hmmmm....

So two teenage girls... Can you believe it?  I told DH that hormones will be crazy around here in the coming year.  He will need to buckle up.  Three women are a lot to handle.  Wait till we are dealing with teenage rants and drama on top of PMS and menstrual cycles.  OMG what have we gotten ourselves into?  LOL.  We shall see... Cheers to new changes.

CD 6 and Another Busy Weekend

Yes, you read right.  It's CD 6 for me and that's kind of bittersweet.  It's been two months since I've been off of fertility meds and one month since I've been doing acupuncture and taking Vitex.  So that means AF come all on her own.  Like I said, bittersweet.  Either way, I'm still excited that things have seemed to regulate.  I'm hoping it will stay like this for a while.  I still have yet to ovulate and since being off the meds these two cycles I've had since then, I still have had no clear ovulation pattern.  BOOOO :(  Then, about a week and a half ago, I called to refill my thyroid meds, metformin and dostinex (all meds my doc put me on while TTC).  Turns out they couldn't refill two of them because I'm due for my yearly check up (well woman exam).  I still have no insurance since getting laid off in December so this was a bummer.  I had been paying cash for my meds since January and it was burning a hole in my pocket.  Now adding the expenses of a well woman exam and labwork and I just thought "Nevermind".  I'm hoping this new natural treatment will work.  The 3rd med, dostinex, that my doc prescribed for my elevated levels of prolactin costs $146 for 4 pills!  I was like, "No thanks, put it back on the shelf."  So now I'm completely out of ALL my meds and going AU NATURAL, so to speak.  LOL.  I still am taking the Vitex one to two times a day, my prenatal vitamins and DHA daily, and acupuncture 2-3 times a week.  So I'm trying to stay hopeful and optimistic.  I had a short cycle this time, so maybe that's something good.

March is a busy month for me and my family.  We have 5 birthdays, literally weeks from each other.  My niece bday is March 2, DH is March 9, my sister's is March 16, my mom's is March 23 and my MIL is March 24.  So this past weekend, we celebrated my sister's 31st birthday.  You know, it's funny how you try to find the positives in IF.  This month was one of those times I was actually glad I wasn't PG.  I know I may have been taking advantage of the situation a little, but who wouldn't if you were in my shoes.  I've been drinking every weekend and this past one was no exception.  I actually may have drank more than I should have, but I'm glad I didn't get wasted.  I told hubby that I was making up for lost time from last weekend since I had to be DD for his bday.  Then with the rodeo in town, friends visiting, catching UFC fights, I'm not surprised that I'm enjoying this barren womb.  LOL.  Sorry.. a bit of sick IF humor there for you.  Plus tomorrow I'm off, so I'll prob be drinking tonight and then DH and I are going to the Maroon 5 concert with my BFF and her hubby.  And BFF is preggers, so that just means I have to drink for the both of us... hahahaha.  Anyways, as you can see March has been pretty exciting social-wise for us.

But being social also comes with its downfalls.  I'm still having to explain to friends why we haven't had kids.  I'm actually to the point where I just throw it out there about our IF, even to acquantainces.  I'm tired of the excuses, of sugar coating our situation.  I just put it out there and though the conversation can get kind of awkward, at least maybe they can stop asking.  Is it wrong that I get a kick out of it...  making it awkward for them?  Our conversation will go something like this...
Them: "Hey long time no see.  How are you?"
Me: "Good.  You?"
"Same here.  You know, same old same old.  How is married life treating you?  How's JC?"
"We're both good.  Still working, he's in school now, so he's trying to balance the two.  And how's the hubby and the kids?"
"We're good, hubby is still working at the same company.  Kids are growing fast.  Speaking of, when are you gonna start your family?  Have you started thinking about babies yet?"
"Oh, why yes!  It's been about what.... two and half years we've been trying?  Yeah, it's been a little difficult.  Believe me we want kids, it's just that infertility sucks."

"Honey, just relax it will happen"  OR  "Oh sweetie, stop trying so hard, you're just stressing yourself out."  OR  "Well it's good that you have this time for yourself right now.  Kids/Babies are alot of work."  OR  "God knows when it's your time.  Don't worry about it.  He'll bless you when you're ready."

"Well actually I have a medical condition called PCOS and I'm not able to get pregnant without medical intervention.  We've been through some treatments already but no luck so far.  Like I said, difficult but we are definately hopeful."  (Some people I even delve a little more information on what it is.  That my ovaries don't work right, that I have hormonal issues, etc.)

"Okay.... um, well I'll keep you in my prayers."  Or suddenly they get a text or they hear their kid calling for them, or they need to be somewhere soon or any other reason.  Some will even ask if we've tried fertility meds? (Ummmm.... Hello?  I said we've been through some treatments.) IVF? (we don't have that kind of money right now.  do you?  snarky, i know... lol) adoption? (nothing against this but since i'm being snarky... oh, why didn't I think of that?  your right it is alot cheaper... NOT!  or oh, I didn't think about that, I guess that is better than having to carry your own child or having a child you both created that shares your DNA... who needs that... sooo overated....) keeping your legs up?  doing a handstand?  being on top?  being on bottom?  letting him stay in there as long as he can?  (yes, yes, yes, yes, and oooh why didn't I think of that?  YES!  I guess they missed the part where I said that I have a medical condition.  Oh well.)

Anyways, off my soapbox.  Just went off a little tangent there.  My rant is over. 
So where was I?.... Oh yeah, so being in social situations can be a little awkward. This weekend I found out that 2 other friends are pregnant.  All news via Facebook. And just when I thought I could handle hearing these announcements, I find myself crumbling. Third announcement this month and we're not even at then end of March!  I guess we weren't the only ones who got busy on Valentine's Day. It was too much and I made the decision to deactivate my account.  I've heard of other gals TTC who did this for the very same reason, and now I completely understand.  Kudos for doing it sooner :)

So that's that for now.  We'll see what this next month brings.  Maybe without FB now, I can dedicate more time to working on course development for my summer class.  I've been procrastinating.  And hopefully burying myself in work can take my mind off TTC for a bit.  I think I'm going to take a break from temping this month too.  I need to hide my thermometer.

My Busy Weekend

So, I know I haven't blogged in a few weeks and it's kind of bittersweet.  Mostly I've been preoccupied with getting the house together for the students in a few months and working on lesson plans for the new class I'm teaching this summer.  I figure the busier I am, the less I worry about TTC.  I still get a little choked up thinking about not getting PG, but I try not to think about it.

This weekend was a busy one.  Hubby took vacation from work to relax.  He's been stressed out with balancing school and a full time job.  Plus Saturday was his birthday, so it was a bday present to himself not to think about work.

Friday, we took the big plunge. We both got drastic haircuts. Hubby had been growing his hair out since we got married two and a half years ago. I've haven't had a major haircut since 2007. We both decided to get our locks chopped off. Each of us donated 12 inches to Locks of Love. The change was refreshing, but I'm still getting used to having short hair. So far we've both gotten lots of compliments.

Friday night, my best friend drove in from out of town and came to stay the weekend with us.  We have a mutual friend that was having a baby shower, which she came into town for.  Plus she runs a photography business on the side and had some photo sessions booked over the weekend.  She came in late Friday night, so I only was able to stay up a few minutes to greet her, congratulate her on her pregnancy and then I was off to bed.  We were both busy during the weekend, so other than the shower we didn't get to spend alot of time together.

Saturday was super busy for me.  Good thing I took the day off from work.  That afternoon, one of my good friends I've known since high school was having her baby shower.  This is her 2nd baby.  This was also the 2nd baby shower I've been to this year.  I actually handled it better than I thought I would.  I think keeping myself busy with activities and conversation helped. Then the inevitable questions popped up a couple of times... When am I gonna start having kids?.... When am I going to start thinking about planning a family?  Oh if only they knew.  Soon I hope.  We've been trying.  I don't know, but we're having fun practicing.  All answers I instinctively reply with. Thankfully, I survived baby shower #2.  It wasn't that bad considering that 4 of my friends attending were pregnant, including the celebrated mother to be.  I did get that "whoosh" of sadness towards the end when I let it all settle in, especially when finally alone in my car.  I was just happy to finally come home to hubby, where I only had a few moments to catch a power nap.  Then we were off to celebrate his birthday.

I had plans to surprise hubby on his bday even before my party was planned last month.  I wanted to do something special for him, since he's been so supportive of me these days.  I was pretty much able to pull it off without a hitch.  DH only suspected something a few hours before it went down.  So first on the itinerary was a dinner, where I invited a few family and friends to surprise hubby.  We arrived just as scheduled, 30 minutes after everyone else was scheduled to arrive.  Hubby knew we were on our way to a restaurant since I played it off that I was treating him to a bday dinner.  We got there and everyone was gathered to shout SURPRISE!  Hubby was indeed surprised.  He didn't expect alot of people to show up, but in fact we had a nice turnout.  Dinner was yummy, but unfortunately the service sucked.  They took everyone's order at different times so some people were getting their food while others were barely ordering.  Then some people had finished their dinner and a few of us had yet to even receive our plates.  So we decided to do the cake while we waited for our food.  I got hubby his favorite... German Chocolate cake.  We finally got our food.  By then some of the guests who had finished their food and needed to leave early, said their goodbyes.  We were still finishing up eating.  Then served cake to those who had yet to eat dessert.  DH took a couple of shots
and was enjoying himself.  Then during conversation someone mentioned the Harlem Shake.  I remembered that I had specifically downloaded an app for this day to create this viral video trend.  Hubby loves this dance... don't ask why.  LOL.  So I got everyone together (or at least those willing to partake) and we recorded our own version.  It was so much fun and hubby really enjoyed making it.

 

 

Our night ended at a local bar that a friend introduced me to a few weeks ago.  I really liked the ambience, drinks, and decor so I wanted to have us end the night there.  Friends joined us there as well and we finished the night there.  Hubby really enjoyed his drinks and managed to make it home before getting sick.  Great.... I had to end up taking care of him.  But it was worth it to see him have so much fun.  I'm so glad family and friends were able to join us that night.

 

Sunday we woke up late.  Our houseguests had to leave early.  So they were nice enough to lock up and let us sleep in.  Sunday we just relaxed and watched movies.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell.  We are still TTC.  I have yet to ovulate and now just awaiting AF.  I'm still doing acupunture and manipulation.  No luck.  If anything, I've only gained weight.  :(  I need to get back to the gym... why oh why can't I muster the motivation?  No other updates to report on.

Looks Who's Come for a Visit

AF.
That's right.  Today is CD2 and those same bittersweet emotions are back.  Bitter because, duh, it means it wasn't our cycle.  Sweet because she came all on her own.  No meds this cycle (no fertility meds, really) and she's showed up just as scheduled.  That's a good thing, right?  It could mean my woman parts are finally starting to regulate.  Unfortunately, it turns out I didn't ovulate this past cycle and another month goes by of waiting.  Still, I've got to stay positive.

So I started acupuncture last week, and I have to say it's been quite an interesting experience.  I will be going three times a week and getting spinal adjustments as well.  My doc says I need to drink more water, increase my exercise, and not stress about scheduling BD.  Tell me something I haven't already told myself.  It's all about the motivation, that's the only obstacle.  I've been to two treatments already.  So far, I haven't really noticed a difference other than being sore and having more "regular" BMs (two side effects he warned me about).  Sorry TMI, but it comes with the territory.  I've also started taking Vitex, and haven't notice any side effects from it.  Another thing, that I started this week was getting back to the gym.  Two months had gone by since my last visit and I could definately feel it today.  The cardio was harder to do, and I couldn't lift as much weight as I had before.  I know I have to ease into it, especially because I'm still dealing with issues from an old knee injury and pain from plantar fascitis/heel spur.  But I'm back in the gym and that's something to celebrate.  Now that I'm getting the hang of what my new work schedule will be like, I'm trying to adapt my workout routine around it.

I also wanted to mention that I've been doing research and reading alot about holistic and alternative therapies for IF.  I've come across a bunch of things that I didn't know about.  One gadget I started looking into is the DuoFertility (DF) monitor.  Check out their website here.  It's basically a high-tech, virtual, expensive BBT thermometer.  You can wear it 24/7 or as often as you'd like.  It works like an oral thermometer, except that you wear it under your arm and it records your temperature like every 5 seconds.  Then you download information from it as many times as you want onto an online system where experts monitor your information closely and send you regular reports about your temps and how your body is working.  Because you have this close system of monitoring, you will be better able to track your cycles and find out exactly when you O.  It's good for those who have irregular sleep patterns or do shift work since the time you take your temps in the morning can vary a great deal (I know this first hand).  They also claim it is ideal for those with PCOS or irregular menstrual cycles since OPKs don't always pinpoint when you will ovulate or if you will even ovulate that cycle. And since OPKs only work within a set range of LH, if you do have a low LH surge, these will hardly ever work. With DF, they can determine whether you have O'd and after a few cycles of using it, can even give you a countdown and predict when you will O.  Not having to worry about taking my temps, POAS, or guessing when we should BD has me very tempted to buy it.  Only recently has it been made available to the USA.  In the UK where it was developed, they had alot of success.  It's even FDA approved.  The only problem, is it comes with a heafty price tag of $795 for 12 months of service.  The research on it has suggested that it has the same success rate as doing IVF but for only a fraction of the costs.  And since finances is the only thing stopping us from trying IVF, this device seems very enticing.  I've filled out a suitability profile online to send to their experts to determine whether this would work from me.  And if I was living in the UK, I'd have a 100% money back guarantee if not PG in one year (guarantee not available in the US as of yet)!

Other than that, I feel like I haven't blogged much recently.  Ever since stopping the medicated cycles and the continuous monitoring and doctor visits, I feel like I don't really have much to say.  I also feel that with this new holistic/alternative approach to TTCing, it's gonna take a few months before we see any real differences or changes.  So I probably won't have much to say until then.

However, I may start blogging on something new coming up in our lives that may be "parenting" related.  A friend of mine knows one of the liasons of International Student Exchange (ISE), a high school student foreign exchange program. DH and I are very interested in persuing this new opportunity.  I talked with a couple of people who have hosted international students and they have alot of positive feedback about their experiences.  We are excited to begin this new chapter of our lives should we decide to move forward.  We are awaiting our information packet and application.  Hopefully this can divert our attention for while so that our lives are not so TTC centered.  But in the meantime, we'll still be BDing and hoping the new distraction can bring some new chakra.

And the Brick Wall Crumbles

Yesterday, I went to visit my sister and during our conversation, IF came up.  She asked me for an update on TTC.  I told her I couldn't really do any thing now that I didn't have any insurance, so we were basically TTC naturally. She asked why insurance was needed and even though I explained this to her a while back (see previous post here.), I proceeded to tell her again. No matter how many people tell you they understand what you're going through, if they can go home and hug their biological children they really don't understand until they've been in your shoes.  I know my sister can't fully understand the complexity of my pain.  She was a teen mother (twice) and had 5 children before she even turned 30.  So no, I don't ever expect her to begin to understand what I am going through.  But all that aside, as a sister (and my one and only sibling at that) I would expect her to support me during this difficult journey.  Again, she pushed the whole adoption thing.  Now I have nothing against adoption and we have even considered it at one time, but to push and keep pushing it... yeah you're going to eventually push me into a deep, dark corner.  And boy did she push hard. She argued that I could adopt and still keep trying.  I told her I would never stop trying.  She asks if I'm going to keep trying until I'm old?  Oh, if only she knew. She even went as far to tell me that she and her husband discussed it when they couldn't get pregnant right away; that she's not as fertile as she used to be.  And by right away, I mean 6 months after having unprotected sex.  Then had the nerve to tell me that if she was in my place she would have started the process by now.  Then had the decency to tell me she understands what I'm going through.  Oh, you are so far from understanding.... so diluted in seeing what's in front of you.  Not even close, haven't even grazed the tip of the iceberg, not even the least bit warm... you are frozen.  I threw out my side of the story, which just broke me down even more.  Needless to say, she put me in a weak and vulnerable place.  I consider myself emotionally strong and I don't like crying, especially in front of people.  But her idiocy stabbed me right in the heart, in the very center of my being and it shattered me to pieces.  I'm thankful my mom was there to "catch me" (metaphorically speaking) because I don't know how I would've walked away from the situation.  On the way out, I was still sobbing.  She walked me to my car and told me she didn't mean to hurt me.  I told her that I believed her but she has no idea what just happened.  She found my weakness, the thing I hide from so many people.  And though sometimes I can push her buttons, she has found the big red button that will shake me to the core. She said she would never use that against me and though I love my sister, I won't let her be responsible for breaking me down like that again.  I've decided that until this journey is over, I have to distance myself.  That doesn't mean not talking to her or avoiding family functions, it just means we can't be as "tight".  She tends to hold grudges and there was a time she didn't speak to me for months.  Now that we were on good terms, I had made an effort to stay on her good side and keep friendly and so we were hanging out more.  That is changing, and I might be saying that because I'm in a horrible place right now, but I can't be around negative people like that...  Even if they are my family.

My Birthday Weekend A-Z

A rundown of my birthday weekend from A-Z, you ready???

A is for alcohol, which I had a lot of on Saturday night. I don't like drinking heavily since I'm sort of a "light weight", but I was throwing back drinks and shots like I was back at a college frat party. I didn't get sick wasted, but I'm still disappointed in myself. I hate getting drunk. I can't even remember part of the night. :(

B is for basketball.  DH and an old friend of mine surprised me with tickets to the Houston Rockets game Saturday evening.  I was a wonderful gift.  I hadn't been to a professional basketball game in years.  I had so much fun!

C is for camera.  I'm glad I decided to take my camera for my bday festivities.  Turns out my phone died early on in the night so I had to use my camera to capture the moment.  Then I thought I lost it when I woke up the next day, since it wasn't in my purse.  Turns out one of my friends had it and dropped it off at my sister's the next day.  I wonder what kind of pics are on it.  LOL.

D is for dinner.  DH "surprised" me with an early dinner at a local Mexican restaurant.  I know he wanted it to be a surprise, but my sister accidentally spilled the beans last weekend.  So I kind of knew he was planning some sort of dinner.  My food wasn't that great, which was odd since I really like the food at this particular restaurant.  But having my family and friends there with me was the best part.  I had fun and enjoyed our dinner conversation and laughs.  Then they surprised me with a cake and singing to me as I wore a celebratory mariachi hat.

E is for eye makeup, which I was rockin'!  I don't wear makeup very often, but when I do, I like to get creative with my eyes.  I was wearing a turquoise colored blouse and accessories and decided to incorporate that color scheme into my makeup.  It was fun applying it.  I guess that satifies the artist in me.

F is for family & friends.  I really enjoyed celebrating my bday with my family and friends.  They were with me the whole weekend from the early dinner, to the basketball game, to drinks at the bar.

G is for girlfriends.  Some of my girlfriends couldn't make it this weekend to my bday festivities for which I understood their reasons.  So we've made it a point to do a girls' night out weekend sometime soon.  I love my girls!

H is for hungover, which is how I woke up Sunday morning.  I hadn't had one in a couple of years.  I hate the feeling.  It wasn't too bad, but I definately had one.

I is for interview. I had an interview this past Friday at one of the local hospitals, and it went really well.  I had a feeling I nailed it.  The department head and recruiting advisor were super nice and we got along really well.  I just got a call this moring and found out I've been hired!  It's part-time work and will mesh well with the schedule I have now.  I'm excited to start!

J is for jacket, which I'm so happy I did not need this weekend. Texas weather can get kind of crazy, but the weekend weather was so nice. I didn't even need an umbrella. Who knew February could bring such nice weather here?  It usually is super cold and freezes this time of year. And of all days, it usually snows around my birthday other years. So yes, this was a very pleasant surprise.

K is for kiss cam.  No we didn't make an appearance on the jumbotron.  But it always makes me smile to see couples kiss on camera.  Some ladies even kiss their babies before their guy... awww.

L is for love.  I love my husband so much.  He wrote this wonderful message on facebook to me for my birthday and posted it as his status.  What a wonderful way to make a girl feel loved <3

M is for margaritas, which was my drink of choice when starting my bday festivities.  I had a jumbo margarita at dinner and one at the game.

N is for nails.  I treated myself Saturday afternoon to a french manicure.  Hey a girl needs a little pampering every once in awhile. Sometimes I forget to set aside some time to relax and do something just for me that makes me feel all girly. It was nice.

O is for OPKs.  I started POAS and so far all negative.  But it's still really early.  I'm just excited that my temperatures have been pretty stable since I started temping at the same time.  I just have to keep reminding myself to check CM.  Why, oh why is that so hard to remember?

P is for powder.  White baby powder to be exact.  My sis and BIL, surprised me with a bday prank Saturday night.  DH and I got home from the bar to find my black car covered in baby powder, confetti, colored streamers, and glow sticks.  They had also wrote bday messages on my windows with shoe polish and tied birthday balloons to my side view mirrors.  Since I was inebriated, I didn't remember until the following morning when I woke up and went outside and saw it in it's full glory.  The best part was cleaning it up.  The wonders DH could do with a leaf blower and water hose... LOL.

Q is for quality time.  I spent alot of quality time with those most important in my life.  I love that DH took the time to plan this day for me, and I have to give him props for pulling it off successfully.

R is for Rockets and Ravens winning! I'm not a huge Ravens fan, but they were the underdog in the game, so that was fun to watch.  And of course, I got nothing but love for my local sports teams.  The Rockets beat the Charlotte Bobcats 109-95.  Go Rockets!

S is for Super Bowl.  San Fransisco 49ers vs Baltimore Ravens.  We were invited to one of DH's co-worker's house Sunday for SB.  We were both really tired from Saturday night's festivities, so both of us were nodding off occasionally.  Then drama broke out at the party and two girls there started fighting so we took it as a chance to get out of there.  No point in us sticking around to see the aftermath.

T is for text messaging, which I got lots of on Saturday wishing me a Happy Birthday.  I also got lots of messages on Facebook.  It's nice to know so many people care.

U is for UFC.  I love watching UFC and coincidentally enough, the bar we ended up going to that night was hosting the fights.  What a great way to end my birthday night!

V is for vodka.  Grey Goose gotcha girl feeling loose.  Aint that the truth?  Yeah, I had alot of vodka this weekend.  Hey they offered... they said anything you want to drink.  So I stuck with top shelf all the way.  Grey Goose and cranberry cocktails.  Patron shots.  No wonder I was gone.

W is for wings.  You can't have Super Bowl without eating buffalo wings, right?  The food at DH's friends SB party was yummy!  Not only did she serve wings, but she also had spicy green beans w/potatoes, mac n cheese, and beef & cheesy nachos.  The nachos were delicious!

X is for eXcited!  Which is how I felt all weekend long.  Never a dull moment, that's for sure.

Y is for YOLO.  You only live once.  Yeah, I had a crazy weekend and maybe drank more than I should have.  But I look at it like this, I may not be able to do this again for awhile.  Perhaps next year I'll be PG or even better, maybe I'll be breastfeeding this time next year.  So I ran with it.  LOL.

Z is for "zee end" (in a French accent, lol).

CD 21 & Hubby Love

Well it seems as if the trigger is finally coming out of my system... I did an OPK yesterday and today and they were both negative. I've been doing pretty good lately, although these past two days I've been dealing with allergies and loose stools (TMI, sorry). I'm not reading too much into that, however. I've also been surprisingly calm these last few days, like no worries. What a nice change of pace. :) I woke up from a late nap a few hours ago, and I feel a little feverish, though my temp is normal. I hope I'm not coming down with anything. I made a promise to myself not to consume any alcohol while in this 2WW (if I can even call it that, since my chart still has no spike), but funny how I've been craving coffee recently. I've had it pretty much every day this week. I told hubby how ironic that I've sworn off alcohol, yet I'm still drinking coffee. I'm going to try and stop that too. (But this cold weather makes me want to enjoy a nice hot cup.) I haven't had any today, YAY! I am excited that next week I will be able to test. I am counting down the days.

In other news, DH has been seriously stressing about our future. I have to admit, we have had to deal with alot on our plate recently. But it's weird because it's usually me that's stressed out and here I am trying to reassure hubby that all is going to be okay. He started his spring semester in school this week and he's taking three classes plus working full time. Also, I still haven't found steady work. I mean, I've picked up two extra days of PT work, but we are still trying to recover, financially, from my recent lay-off. And now, we just found out that our house needs a little work on it too. Plus on top of everything we are dealing with IF. After his first two days of class, he came home pretty overwhelmed with all the expectations of his courses. I told him that now that I have more time on my hands I can help him out. After all, I've been in school pretty much most of my life, so I know what and what not to do. I don't like seeing him stressed like this, especially when I'm trying to be positive and optimistic about this cycle. But I think with the pressure of perhaps bringing a baby into the picture he feels very overwhelmed. I understand it's a lot to deal with at one time, but like I explained to hubby, we just need to take one thing at a time. I used a metaphor with him last night when trying to explain things. I said...

It's like putting mayo in your sandwich... If you scoop a spoonful of mayo and plop it on a slice of bread, you're not expected to eat it like that. Yes, of course it seems like alot... but that's if your planning on biting into it like that. And who would do that, certainly not you and me. You have to spread it out the bread slice. Right? That way what seemed like alot at first is now spread out evenly in each bite. I told him that's how we have to approach our issues right now. Yes, we've had a lot to deal with in these past few weeks, but you'd be insane to try and tackle it all at once. You need to deal with these things slowly and with care, making sure to spread it out over time. Yes, I'm not making nearly as much money as I was with my FT job, but I'm still working... I'm still bringing in money. I've got three jobs. I work 3 days a week and I just found out I may be picking up another job (more about that later). Yes, your classes may seem hard at first, but remember, you have your weekends free to study. Plus I will help you out. I'm a pro at these classes. They are what I live through everyday (he's taking Human Anatomy & Physiology and Medical Terminology), I can help you with studying. I can make it seem less difficult. Work, unfortunately can't change. Yes, they are stressing you out over there. But you are only human, you can't be expected to do EVERYTHING. I know you usually try to and that's what makes you such a good, hard working man. But remember, you are not dedicated to this place and you may be soon leaving in a few months if our plans stay on track. Just grin and bear it. Sometimes that's all you can do. The house needs a little work, yes, but we can tackle that gradually. It doesn't all need to be fixed in one day. Slow and steady wins the race. And finally IF... who knows if this cycle will be successful. Yes, this is the farthest we've come and yes, there is chance this may finally be the start of a new chapter. But again it's one day at a time. Babies early on don't require alot of spending. Thank goodness we've decided to cloth diaper and we've already purchased a bassinett. I'm an avid supporter of breastfeeding for the first year, and hopefully I won't have any problems with it. That also will save us money. We both have very supportive families and if it ever comes down to it, I'm sure they can lend a helping hand if need be. I somehow have this feeling that things will turn out okay. I think that's why I've been so calm lately. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones, who knows! (Wishful thinking) But we are here and surviving just fine. Carpe diem. Tomorrow will bring different opportunities, so you just have to take it one day at a time. Times like this will only strengthen our bond and bring us closer together. I love you forever and always.

My Reproductive Story

I started reading "Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility" by Janet Jaffe, Martha Diamond, and David Diamond, all PhD's. I've been wanting to read a book that talks about how to deal with IF and this book came recommended via one of the gals on thebump.com forum.  So far it has my interest.

I just got done reading Part I and it talks of your reproductive story. We start writing one when we're very young--playing house, wanting to be like/not be like mommy/daddy, and it continues throughout life. While dealing with infertility, it is helpful to write your personal reproductive story.  So here is mine... in the making...

I've had maternal instincts ever since I could remember.  Playing house, playing school, playing barbies and even catching bugs in an empty mayonnaise jar so I could have something to take care of are some things I can remember doing as a child.  Being 2 years older than my sister, I always took charge and became "mom" or "teacher" during our playtimes.  My sister usually got stuck with being big brother/sister or teacher's aide.  And our menagerie of stuffed animals or dolls would be my children or students.  I always felt in charge and nurturing.  My dreams of growing up usually played out during playtime with our Barbie dolls.  I would go to high school, graduate, go to college, graduate, meet a boy, marry the boy, have lots of children and live happily every after.  It all sounded so simple, after all that's basically how my parents' story played out (minus the college).  As I grew older, I started planning timelines for these milestones in my life.  Yes, I'm a planner always have been and always will be.  I like to organize things and get pleasure from checking things off.  So around the end of middle school, beginning of high school when puberty was starting to settle in nicely, I was kind of eager to start planning my future.  AF first visited when I was 13, and I remember thinking I was officially a woman now.   Though part of me longed to play with my Barbies, I knew this meant that I would start growing up whether I liked it or not.  Out went the Barbies, in came pads and bras.  So on to my future plans... I decided that since I wouldn't be graduating college till I was in my 20s, I'd probably be meeting Mr. Right by 21.  Then we'd be engaged for about 2 years and I'd become Mrs. Right by 23.  We'd live as a couple for a few years, travel, buy a home, raise a dog and I'd be pregnant by 25.  Now, I've always been fond of children and because both my parents come from large families, I saw the love and excitement lots of kids can bring so in my mind 5 children was what I wanted.  And they'd each be about two years apart (I think having my sis 2 years younger than me provided the perfect balance of friendship and individuality), so that I'd have my last baby before I was 35.  Sounded so perfect.

My mom started sharing her reproductive story with me when I had come into my pre-teen years.  I always knew I was her "miracle" baby but didn't start getting details till then.  Growing up, I had always had older parents than those of my peers.  And it used to bother me.  I remember lying about my parents ages to friends.  Being in elementary, who wanted a parent in their forties?  My parents had a good 10 years on my friends' parents and it was quite embarassing for me.  It took my parents 9 years to finally conceive me so this is was reason for the age gap.  As I got older, the idea of older parents kind of grew on me and I became more accepting.  I think by maturing and being able to explain about their fertility issues, I found their story endearing.  So briefly here's how their story went...

My mom met my dad when she was 24 through her brother in law who was my dad's best friend at the time.  My dad was a little under 7 years my mom's senior.  They dated for a few months.  My dad popped the question and they had a big wedding.  They went a few years "trying but not really trying" to conceive, meaning they weren't using protection, yet they weren't planning it.  And those first few years passed nonchalantly, as they were having fun just being married.  Then slowly the pressure of having kids and wanting to have kids crept up on them.  Just a couple years short of a decade of being married w/o kids and my mom finds out she has endometriosis that prevents her from conceiving.  She had a couple of procedures done, doc suggests she takes a couple months off to recover and BAM she's pregnant.  Pregnant with her first, pregnant with lil ol ME :)  Slight problems during my birth with not being able to dilate, but nothing that a good ol C-section can't help.  And so I'm born.  Doc again says recover from surgery give your belly a year to gain strength and then you can try again for another.  BAM!  2 years and a little over one month later my sister was born again via C-section.  Two kids are enough for two working parents and my folks close that chapter in their book.  My mom was 36 my dad just shy of 43.

So back to my story...
Yes, I planned to have 5 kids even had a few names picked out and the order I would have them Boy, Girl, Girl, Boy, Boy.  Gavino, Priscilla, Xuleyca, Xavier, Adrian.  Yes, these are the names I had acquired throughout the years (and some of these have changed).  By the time I was 16/17, I had been off and on BCP to help regulate my cycle.  I went off them for a few years while I was at college (CHECK... lol), then still having problems with my cycles went back on them at 22 and stayed on them till I was 30.  It's funny how you usually think "if you're in control of when not to get pregnant, you can be in control of getting pregnant" (Pages 36-37). Yeah, I never got to be in control of actually wanting to get pregnant, but I'll get to that in a minute.  Didn't meet Mr. Right at 21 like I had planned.  Nope, met him at the ripe old age of 28, lol.  But they were right when they said "good things come to those who wait".  But man, did it take a lot of heartache, tears, and journey to find myself, before I found him.  But I did (CHECK), and we got married two years later (CHECK).  I was 30, he was 34.  Originally we planned to take our time on having kids and though we "tried but not really" for the 1st year, I found myself concerned about what was going on in my body.  For one, I had regular periods for 8 years prior to stopping BCP the month we got married.  And two I was concerned that if I didn't have periods, maybe I had something wrong with me.  Could it be endometriosis like my mom and if so, what could I do before it went on too long?  I scheduled a preconception appt with my doc a year after "not trying".  She did a full work up, said everything was good (no I didn't have endrometriosis), told me to lose some weight, told me to monitor my temps, and gave me a prescription for progesterone cream.  I was relieved that it was nothing serious, just lose a little weight and I'd be good to go.  6 months later and still no BFP :(  I was heartbroken and starting to get down on myself.  I went to seek out another doctor who deals with infertility issues.  Again, I have my labs drawn and basically sent home with a few prescriptions for thyroid meds.  Again they tell me lose a few pounds and you could get KU in about three months!  This is great!  I go on a health kick eat better, take my meds (I'm slightly hypothyroid).  Three  months, nothing.  Four months, nothing.

I am now experiencing what the book refers to as "Reproductive Trauma." Wow, talk about getting your feelings validated and explained! From pages five and six: "What makes the experience of infertility a trauma? The diagnosis of infertility, and the medical interventions often needed to treat it, represent a threat to our physical integrity, our sense of being healthy and whole. One of the most fundamental aspects of our physical selves is our reproductive capability. When that does not function properly, we doubt everything else. Infertility is a trauma because it attacks both the physical and emotional sense of self, it presents us with multiple, complicated losses, it affects or most important relationships, and it shifts our sense of belonging in the world. When you are diagnosed with infertility, the world as you previously knew it crumbles...The trauma of infertility is such that what you had taken for granted and expected is lost."   Five months, nothing and depression is slowly sinking in.  I've stopped eating healthy.  I don't want to work out.  I'm crying for no reason and our relationship isn't the same.  It's me, I know it, but I'm stuck in a hole and I can't get out.  Month six comes up, no BFP and I go in for my scheduled well-woman exam.  I tell the nurse that I'm having these issues and that I'm upset because I can't get pregnant.  It's been two years.  She schedules me a consult with the fertility specialist.  They rerun labs they put me on hormone medications and a schedule of pills, treatment, and intercourse.  I'm now diagnosed with PCOS related infertility.  I feel like I'm not myself.  I'm not me.  I'm a patient, an infertility case.  My body is no longer in my control.  I can't have a baby like a normal person, I need to be doped up with meds and shot up with hormones hoping that my brain and my body will think this is normal and respond like it should.  My mind wanders to stories from Biblical times about women being shunned for not being able to bear children to old Jewish law where a man can divorce a woman because she can't have children to Henry VIII's issues with wives not producing heirs.  In our society, still to this day, having children is such an expected part of being a woman that it is hard for me to deal with at times.

I will be 33 in a couple of months and my plan had definately fallen off track.  My hope for 5 children has disappeared, but I still want at least 2.  Advanced Maternal Age (AMA) risks start at 35.  I have 2 years.  But though this last treatment didn't work, I still have hope that I will get pregnant.  My plans for designing the nursery are still going on, I'm still making baby buys, and I'm still reading info on pregnancy.  My optimism is what keeps me going, but I have to admit it is a struggle.  So there's my reproductive story, well, at least the stuff I've sorted out thus far. The book says that such a story is "a work in progress."  We are going on our 3rd year of TTC and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that 2013 will be our year!

2013, here we come!

so things have pretty much stayed the same. earlier this month we were still having trouble TTC so I put a call into my nurse asking why I still haven't had a period in 2 months.  she then changed my dosing a little bit but I still was not satisfied. I made an appointment with a different nurse for my well woman exam at the same clinic a couple of weeks ago. I explained the whole issue again. since I was only there for my well woman exam she really couldn't go into great detail on what I should do. however she did write me a lab slip to recheck my hormone levels on the medications I've been taking and referred me to see the fertility specialist there.  the next day I had my blood drawn for my hormone levels.  One week later I was scheduled to see the fertility specialist. the nurse called to give me my lab results, and told me they forgot to include my insulin levels. so before I went to the fertility specialist I had to have my blood drawn again to check my insulin.  I got it that same day I went in to go see her in the morning. That afternoon was my appointment and JC was supposed to meet me at the doctor's office. I got off of work a little earlier than expected so decided to head up to the appointment early.  as usual JC was running late and got there right at my appointment time, but by then I was already in the office with the nurse.  she was going over a few things with me regarding my cycle.  she seemed pretty rushed while she was talking to me and telling me that we needed to get my periods under control.  she went over my levels again from my previous lab work and said that everything looked good and to keep taking the medication I was taking. these included my thyroid medication, and my medication to decrease my prolactin level.  she told me to get off the steroids since it did not seem to be doing anything as far as lowering my testosterone level.  after going into detail about all that, I asked her when would I know if I ovulated.  she says that I can get on birth control to regulate my cycles.  I was like, "what?! I'm trying to get pregnant, why would I go on birth control?" that just changed EVERYTHING and she asked, "you're trying to get pregnant?" I told her yes and that's why I was coming in to see her because the nurse  I've been seeing since May has not been able to regulate my cycle; that's originally why I came into the clinic in the first place.  that's when JC walked in. we did brief introductions and she apologized for not realizing I was trying to get pregnant. Somehow the person who scheduled me put that i was just being seen for a lab follow-up, so we basically had to start all over in regards to analyzing my labs. she asked why I hadn't had my thyroid checked. I told her was it was supposed to be checked since they were just re-running all the labs I had in May. she said they must have forgotten to add it so I had to do it again that afternoon and have my blood drawn a second time that day. then we got into detail about fertility treatment.  she said I should probably be scheduled to have an ultrasound done of my uterus and ovaries. I told her I already had that done back in June.  I told her that the record should be in my file.  she looked it up in her computer and after a minute or two said, "I think you have PCOS."  as you can imagine, I was shocked! I told her how could that be when the nurse before told me that I was clear of that. she said the study was kind of hard to read, but based on her interpretation it look like polycystic ovaries.  because of my excessive body tissue it was kind of hard to read. so she said from here on out we will be considered PCOS related infertility.  she said that she wanted to get me started on metformin because I exhibit symptoms of insulin resistance.  that's what I was hoping for back in May when I originally came. I knew I was right! I know my body! the next few words out of her mouth were so relieving to me.  she basically said because of my age and how many years we been trying to conceive, we needed to try to get me pregnant pronto! she would start me on metformin to take as soon as possible and give me provera to jump start my period. then she gave me a prescription to take progesterone to help increase my endomitrial lining to sustain a pregnancy, should I become pregnant. She also said she would start me on Clomid! the heavens part and the angels sang!  Lol.  I've been reading lots of blogs, going to message board communities, and watching YouTube videos of women suffering from PCOS and infertility.  I know exactly what this meant. basically the clomid will start your ovulation, by helping your eggs mature.  that will help initiate pregnancy should all things go well. I won't be able to start this medication until cycle date 3, but until then, I'm going to finish my dosage of provera. she said we would two cycles of clomid, and if not pregnant by January, we would take more aggressive measure (meaning "trigger" injections of HCG).  As for now, I'm just waiting on AF to come. until then all I can do is wait. once AF comes, on the third day I can start the clomid from CD 3 to 7. once I finish that I wait until CD 16 to start my progesterone supplements. as stated before this will help maintain my endometrial lining for the pregnancy.  if after CD 32 / 34, and AF comes, I'll stop the progesterone and I'll allow her to ruin my month lol. because obviously that means I'm not pregnant. during those 2 days I should take HPT to confirm. if BFN, I will repeat for the next cycle in January. if AF  hasn't shown, I will again confirm with HPT on those days. if BFP ( crossing our fingers), I will continue to take the progesterone during the remainder of pregnancy.   if no BFP by then, we will start the HCG injections I'm kind of excited but dreading it at the same time. I'm hoping it won't get to that point because then we're talking about more money spent.  these trigger shots are also linked with risk of multiples. even though it sounds nice, medically I know the risks involved with those pregnancies. with the clomid, there's a small percentage of risk of multiples but very slight. either way, hubby is hoping for twins! I wouldn't mind, as long as I have a healthy pregnancy.  all this makes me very hopeful and I have a newfound energy.  I haven't stated before but last couple of months I've been in a pretty bad funk.  I was depressed, gaining weigh,t and crying almost everyday. I spoke with a friend of mine and she suggested therapy.  I'm thankful that my work provide this free service.  I went 3 times as my benefits allowed me, to talk to a therapist.  I'm not really feeling her but I enjoyed our conversations and getting to find out more about my husband since he goes as well. we have since used our 3 visits and now I'm paying through our insurance. we have gone to see her four times already and have made in a 5th appointment.  I have yet to cry though, I was expecting it.  after our second visit, that's when everything started looking up and so I really haven't had any problems with the depression anymore. I now have a better outlook on life and i'm on my way to losing weight. it's been a slow and steady journey and will continue to be. I know it will never be easy for me to lose the weight since now I have been recently diagnosed with PCOS. I'm happy to know there is reason for all my symptoms, and happy to know that I was right all along. not many know people know this, but PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. many cases go undiagnosed. and more women actually have it then you would think.  I have decided to be pretty open about all my medical issues with regards to TTC. I think it helps me cope better with the reality. it also opens other's eyes to what women are facing on a daily basis; it is a struggle.

my mom and I are very close and I think this has brought us closer. although she suffered a different condition during her to TCC years (endometriosis), she understands the struggles I go through every day.  my family, I thought would be the most supportive.  I really haven't explained things to my dad, and I don't think he really needs to know. I think it would just be TMI for him. maybe my mom discusses it with him; I really don't care. my sister, on the other hand, I opened up to her the other day. like I said, I expected my family to be the most supportive. I was extremely disappointed to find out that she has no clue what it's like to be in my shoes.  I was hurt the day I told her... she basically said I shouldn't go through all this trouble and should look into adoption.  she basically said that if my body is not responding to anything, then I shouldn't try.  because it was so easy for her to get pregnant she does not understand a clue. then to make matters worse, my brother in law walks in during our conversation and overhears.  his response to all this was, "are you sure you're ready?" even after I told him yes, no doubt. he said, "are you really ready? kids are lot of responsibility. kids require a lot of money. you have to stop going out. baby become your first priority. if they get sick you have to take them to the doctor, you have to miss work. you also just can't get up and go. You need a babysitter. you have to constantly watch them. no more leaving things to the last minute."

and on and on and on
you get it.

really?

I didn't know that.
you mean to tell me having kids is a big job for the rest of my life?
you mean I can't keep doing the same thing I've always been doing?
I can't go out?
I can't hang out my friends?
you mean that Louis Vuitton bag that I've been eyeing has to be put on hold?
you mean I can't just splurge my IRS refund?

you got to be kidding me!
I had no idea! you make it seem so easy!
I mean you had 4 kids and you wanted more? Now you have 5!
were you ready for your son? were you prepared? I mean REALLY prepared?
I mean, it's only been 2 years since we've been married, but I think a little bit more time would be appropriate don't you think? I mean we've only just begun right?
when is anyone ever really ready for a baby?
yeah 32 IS a little young to be thinking about kids right now. 

you're right

what was I ever thinking?...

...  and surprisingly enough JC walks into the room. "babe guess what?", I say. "Steph and Oscar are asking are we really ready for a baby?" "yes", he says. "well, I mean they're saying it's a lot of trouble. they're saying if it's taking us so much effort for us to have our own that maybe we should adopt."


..... to be cont'd....