Breakdown

I was texting a friend earlier this evening about something that went down this weekend that I failed to mention in my last post.  I thought about mentioning it yesterday while typing up my post, but decided against it cause it was sort of embarrassing.  But here I am again and gonna put it out there.  I'm sure someone can relate.

So Saturday night (er, Sunday morning) after we closed down the bar, I was insistent on staying out for a little while longer.  Mind you, I was I was intoxicated.  I asked DH to call a friend who was at the bar with us to see where he was and if we could chill at his place for awhile since he lived close to us.  Turns out another friend had decided to hang out there with him as well and so he invited us to his place.  While we were there, we were just watching TV and talking.  Somehow conversation turned to kids and pregnancy (mind you it's me, DH, and two other guys) and one of my friends mentioned that he "knocked up" a girl, but he hadn't told anyone about it.  We were supposedly the first people he told.  The kid is like 10 years old now, so it happened a while back.  He was telling us that he doesn't get to see his daugher often and then proceeded to show us pics of her.  Already, I was pissed cuz I know this guy tends to sleep around and has commitment issues.  But in my drunken state, I was FURIOUS!  From what I remember (and what hubby tells me I said), I told this guy off and told him he didn't deserve to have a kid.  That some people would give anything to have what comes so easily to him.  Then I start venting about my ovaries and they don't freakin' work and now I can't have what I want most.  Then my other guy friend gets involved (he has two, unplanned kids from a past relationship) and has the nerve to say not all pregnancies are easy.  That being pregant can be hard on some women.  With his 1st child, his then girlfriend had to be on bedrest and the baby was still premature.  He says I should be LUCKY that I don't have to go through what she went through.  EXCUSE ME?!  EXCUSE ME?!  That's when I literally got up in his face, jabbed my finger at his chest and tell him he has NO right to tell me what'd I'd be willing to go through for a baby.  I don't remember much of what I told him, but whatever I said resulted in a shouting/crying fit.  The next thing I remember, DH was walking me out of the door and to the car.  I just remember crying the whole way home (like ugly, sniff, sniff, baby want a bottle, puffy faced crying).  Until I get home and see my birthday prank car surprise.  Which by then, I'm going back and forth between crying and laughing.

So waking up the next day, I completely forget this happened, until DH happens to mention it when helping me recall everything that went on that night.  I was soooooo embarassed.  I haven't even called those friends to apologize for my behavior.  I hardly ever get beligerent when I'm drunk, much less start a crying fit.  I apologized to DH and he said he completely understood where it was coming from.  All that pent up frustration had to come out sometime.  And he said more than likely, they'd be over it quick.  I guess guys are like that.  Anyways, just wanted to share this bit of excitement that went down over the weekend.  Too bad we can't vent to people who frustrate us like this all the time.  LOL.

Can't Un-WINE-d!

Grrrr..... I'm so frustrated!  Tonight kicks off my birthday weekend and I can't uncork a friggin' wine bottle!  I f-ed up when trying to open it with one type of corkscrew.  Then tried the manual corkscrew and bent it, which just mutilated the cork in the process.  Now I've been stabbing at the cork stump with a knife for the past 10 minutes!  Hubby just walked in the door in the midst of a wine bottle butchering. I just want a drink....  He says he can get it open but there will probably be cork fragments in the wine.  F*** it, I just wanted a glass, now I just want to get drunk.  I think there's more behind this frustration than meets the eye.

FAIL
End vent.

Omg! Am I O-ing?

could it be?! Like in my previous posts, I've been doing OPK's twice a day.  top strip was starting cd 8 in the evening. then following are 2 for cd 9 in the morning in the afternoon.  and then the last 2 are for today's in the morning and then I just took 1 about an hour ago. it is SO close to positive! I'm almost sure tomorrow's is gonna definitely be a positive.  I'm so excited!
on the other hand, the clomid has got me soo hormonal.  I'm beginning to scare myself, lol.  One minute I can be weeping, tearing up, and feeling depressed the next minute a raging lunatic being pissed at everything.  mostly I've just been irritated at the slightest little thing.  you would think with Clomid, it would make us these submissive, romantic, sexy wives that our hubbies can't wait to come home to.  instead it's making us to be these BITCHES that I'm not even sure DH will want to BD with,  lol.  But seriously.... is that a side effect of the Big O?  If it is Mother Nature's got a crappy way of doing it, hahaha.
anyways, I will update soon...

CD1

Okay, so unfortunately that last cycle was a negative.  AF came this morning and so it's obvious I'm not pregnant :(  Oh well, we are going to try again this month.  Hopefully my body will be in better shape now that I'm not worried about the house anymore.  Turns out that we were approved for the mortgage loan and now definately getting the house!  Part of the reason I was stressing so much last month was because there was a chance we might not get the house and we were having to submit different documents and write letters.  But now that it is all behind us and we can move forward, my stress level has diminished significantly.

So I must admit, I had a weak moment and tested early last week.  As I mentinoned in my previous blog, my test date was supposed to be Sept 14th.  But I got overly anxious and tested 4 times last week.  As you can guess, they all came out negative and after each one, I got a little more disappointed.  On Thursday last week, I hit a low point and felt really depressed all day.  I didn't want to do anything, and it didn't help that I wasn't scheduled to work that day.  I just wanted to crawl under my covers and sleep all day.  I think a combination of getting the good news about the house (having that tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders), and seeing negative HPTs day after day just sent my emotions into a whirlwind and made me feel so down that day.  By the next day I was fine, and I was hoping that the emotional swing was brought on by pregnancy.  I guess not... lol.

It took my mom over 9 years to conceive me, her 1st child.  This was contributed by an underlying condition she was not aware of at first, endometriosis.  Thankfully I don't have this issue, but the obesity will make it difficult for us to conceive regardless.  Funny how things are so similiar between me and my mom, yet my sister (pardon my slang) got knocked up at 16.  She now has 5 beautiful children who I adore and am thankful have an active role in my life.  Those 5 angels, our 3 little furbabies (dogs), a loving family, and a supportive husband makes this difficult time a little easier to handle.  My mom told me that during those years when she was TTC and a friend or relative announced their pregnancy, though she was happy for them, it stirred up some very private emotions for her.  That "sadness" (if that's how it is described) has come to me a time or two and I'm beginning to understand what she meant.  Plus it doesn't help when friends and family ask the age old question, "So when are you gonna have kids?"  Funny how I used to be one of those people to ask.  Now I just smile politely and give a little laugh... "Soon, I hope.  We are trying to settle in/ get a house/ establish a home..." and whatever else I can muster up as an excuse.  JC and I have been discussing whether or not to admit we are TTC.  It's a difficult decision because it is a private manner which few people talk about.  I guess that's why I blog... it is a means to vent my emotions.

Anyways, that is all for today.  Let's hope this month is a lucky one.  Our one year anniversary is next month, and a big fat positive (BFP) would be the ultimate anniversary gift for both of us!

p.s. CD1 = cycle day 1