It's Official

Well, it's official. Today is CD 37 and AF still has not shown.  I took a third HPT test this morning, and drumroll...

 

I'm NOT pregnant.  :(

 

I guess that means my body back to square one. So much for my hopes and dreams this year to finally have a baby. As much as I didn't want to get my hopes up, I did. Especially with everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies, I figured there was something going around, something in the water.  But apparently not. Maybe it's the $6000 water filtration we installed 2 years ago in our home.  Maybe it's filtering out all the pregnancy hormones.  Lol.  I only wish.

 

So my good friend had her baby on Tuesday. I can't wait to meet her little man.  My BFF.s baby bump is coming along nicely.  Pregnancy suits her well.  As much as it pains me to say this, this will not be our year.  And perhaps not even within the next two years.  And as much as it hurts me to see negative test after test, I think I've finally come to a conclusion.  Hubby and I were discussing it, and it seems IVF is our only option for now.  What does that mean? Well it means we have to save up, wait until DH is done with school and working a steady job.  Even if we have to get a loan, as I've seen many other TTCs do, we won't be financially stable until we see what our future brings.  DH's program will be two years.  So until then, I decided to hold off on any plans for a baby. Believe me, it hurts so much to have to say that. And right now it's the only thing we can do.  It's a decision I had to make to keep my sanity.  Of course we won't stop "trying", we'll never stop trying.  But now that the nursery has been converted and all the baby stuff has been put in storage, it will be a little bit easier.... hopefully.  I have decided to be the best and I can be, the best friend I can be, the best aunt, daughter and sister I can be, and of course the best wife I can be.  Just can't see motherhood in my near future, and so I have to accept that fact.  Though this is a hard pill to swallow, I need to look at it as a blessing in disguise.  DH and I have always wanted to travel, maybe this means we were meant for a life of traveling and experiencing new and different cultures.

 

So unless by some miracle of conception, this blog will be on hold for a while.  Perhaps I will still update if I decide to test again a year from now... Or if AF is unusually late (which doesn't exist).  Maybe I will change the title of this blog and use it to document our experience with being host parents for international students.  That will be the closest thing to motherhood I will get to experience.

 

So here's to hoping that life treats you kindly, and that you are blessed with wonderful children. I must go on my way... signing off....

Oh No....!

So I caved and tested yesterday.  BFN :(  Not surprising considering I only had a 35%chance of getting a BFP if I was KU.  Only more reason for me to wait till Friday or Saturday.
Well, this evening while getting ready for bed, I noticed some spotting.  My heart dropped, but I'm trying to stay positive.  This doesn't mean for sure AF has come.  I will have to wait to see what tomorrow brings.  Hubby is trying to look on the bright side.  He says at least it looks like my cycle is starting to regulate.  He seems to think that this will help us conceive on our own.  I really want to believe that.  It's just so hard... So disappointing... I really thought this would be our cycle.

CD1

Okay, so unfortunately that last cycle was a negative.  AF came this morning and so it's obvious I'm not pregnant :(  Oh well, we are going to try again this month.  Hopefully my body will be in better shape now that I'm not worried about the house anymore.  Turns out that we were approved for the mortgage loan and now definately getting the house!  Part of the reason I was stressing so much last month was because there was a chance we might not get the house and we were having to submit different documents and write letters.  But now that it is all behind us and we can move forward, my stress level has diminished significantly.

So I must admit, I had a weak moment and tested early last week.  As I mentinoned in my previous blog, my test date was supposed to be Sept 14th.  But I got overly anxious and tested 4 times last week.  As you can guess, they all came out negative and after each one, I got a little more disappointed.  On Thursday last week, I hit a low point and felt really depressed all day.  I didn't want to do anything, and it didn't help that I wasn't scheduled to work that day.  I just wanted to crawl under my covers and sleep all day.  I think a combination of getting the good news about the house (having that tremendous weight lifted off of my shoulders), and seeing negative HPTs day after day just sent my emotions into a whirlwind and made me feel so down that day.  By the next day I was fine, and I was hoping that the emotional swing was brought on by pregnancy.  I guess not... lol.

It took my mom over 9 years to conceive me, her 1st child.  This was contributed by an underlying condition she was not aware of at first, endometriosis.  Thankfully I don't have this issue, but the obesity will make it difficult for us to conceive regardless.  Funny how things are so similiar between me and my mom, yet my sister (pardon my slang) got knocked up at 16.  She now has 5 beautiful children who I adore and am thankful have an active role in my life.  Those 5 angels, our 3 little furbabies (dogs), a loving family, and a supportive husband makes this difficult time a little easier to handle.  My mom told me that during those years when she was TTC and a friend or relative announced their pregnancy, though she was happy for them, it stirred up some very private emotions for her.  That "sadness" (if that's how it is described) has come to me a time or two and I'm beginning to understand what she meant.  Plus it doesn't help when friends and family ask the age old question, "So when are you gonna have kids?"  Funny how I used to be one of those people to ask.  Now I just smile politely and give a little laugh... "Soon, I hope.  We are trying to settle in/ get a house/ establish a home..." and whatever else I can muster up as an excuse.  JC and I have been discussing whether or not to admit we are TTC.  It's a difficult decision because it is a private manner which few people talk about.  I guess that's why I blog... it is a means to vent my emotions.

Anyways, that is all for today.  Let's hope this month is a lucky one.  Our one year anniversary is next month, and a big fat positive (BFP) would be the ultimate anniversary gift for both of us!

p.s. CD1 = cycle day 1