Med. Cycle #2 A Bust

Today is CD 3, which means our second medicated cycle didn't work.  Bummer.  I'm sad and disappointed, but surprisingly not as upset as I thought I'd be.  Maybe it's still too early to have sunken in. I don't know.  Last night I told DH, "F*** it, let's go for margaritas".  I had been really good this past cycle and hadn't had anything since starting the meds (so basically since New Years).  And tonight we are going for drinks again at my favorite Cajun restaurant (I've been craving crawfish).  I'm disappointed that this cycle didn't work.  I felt good about this cycle, like this would be the one.  I was staying positive and optimistic.  But alas, destiny had other plans.  What can I do but just accept it.  I think that's why I'm so ho hum about it.  AF showed on what would have been CD 27, so maybe it's a sign that my girly parts are now starting to get the hang of things.  I asked hubby, what his thoughts are going into the next cycle:  Did he want to do meds?  Did he want to try winging it?  He basically said it was up to me since it's my body (I explained it's his body too and his decision as well, but he wants what's best for me... such a caring hubby :))  My decision... Going back to square one.  For me, that basically means TTC a la natural.  It's a good thing I bought all those OPKs.  I'm definately gonna be needing them.  I also have to mention that I have a stash of HPTs as well.  Up until yesterday, I was convinced that AF was implantation bleeding.  How crazy is that?!  I was like a madwoman Wednesday, desperately researching signs and symptoms of implantation.  I was squeezing my fingers and toes crossed, hoping that the spotting wouldn't last past the 3rd day.  AF has been really light, even for today CD 3.  Usually I'd be at a medium flow by now.  But it's been fluctuating between spotting and and light flow off and on for the past 3 days.  I guess that's why I have been torturing myself with thinking it's the implantation.  But I can't find anything that says that implantation bleeding lasts past 2 days.  So I have to accept that AF has reared her ugly head.  And now the cramps have been starting.  Yeah, definately a visit from the red-headed beeyotch.  LOL.  So on to the next cycle.

I have set a daily alarm for 6:30 am.  I'm going to be adament about taking my temps at the same time each day.  My charts have recently been zig-zaggy, and I think alot has to do with my waking times.  I don't have a steady schedule so some days I sleep in and others I have to wake up early to go to work.  So it kinda makes my charts look wonky (plus the meds aren't helping either).  So now that I'm off the meds and I'll be temping at the same time each morning, I'm hoping my chart will look better.  But funny that today I had a temp spike.  I'm continuing my regular meds as prescribed by my doc.  That includes levoxyl every morning, metformin every other day, and dostinex once a week.  If I ovulate this cycle, I will also take the progesterone two days after O, because I feel like that's helping to regulate my cycle.  I am going to try and monitor my CM everyday (I say try because I keep forgetting to check it in past cycles) and will more than likely start using OPKs starting on CD 7 since FF seems to think that's when my predicted O days are.  And then we will have to plan TI accordingly.  So timing and scheduling will still be very important this cycle.  That won't be going away anytime soon, that's for sure. 

So that's the plan going into this next cycle.  Plus, I need to get back into my weigh loss routine.  I've been sooooooooo lazy about it.  Plus with my plantar fascitis and heel spur, I don't really feel like going to the gym.  I haven't gone in over a month.  It's killing me just thinking about it.  I'm just wasting my money.  Plus I'm paying for personal training and I haven't gone back to that either.  Gosh, it makes me feel so overwhelmed.  But I have noticed I have lost some weight.  Maybe it's because DH and I aren't going out to eat as much.

In other news, I'm finding out more and more people are getting PG.  It seems to come in waves.  This is a really big wave.  A tidal wave at that.  Just found out my cousin is PG with her first.  She's the baby of my generation on my dad's side.  I'm really happy for her.  She's 28 and been with her guy for like 13 or 14 years.  That's as much as I know.  Plus two of my very close friends are PG.  One with her first, and I'm very happy for them too.  I know of a few other ladies as well.  Then on top of that, celebrities my age are getting KU and then it's all over the tabloids in your face.  It gets to me sometimes.  I'm not a religious person so it's hard to stay optimistic sometimes.  It's times like these I wish I could see the future... just to see our children.  I think if I could get a glimpse into the future and see our family "complete" it would give me a renewed sense of hope.  If these were our biological children, I would know eventually we would have a successful cycle and it would keep me that much more motivated.  If they were adopted, I'd be just as happy but then I'd want to start the adoption process already.  Like, why waste my time on TTC?  We watched a movie this week called 127 Hours (based on a true story) about a canyonierre (sp?) who falls into a canyon and gets stuck after a rock gets lodged and pins his hand to the side of the canyon.  In the end, he ends up cutting off his own arm to save his life after being trapped for 127 hours (5ish days).  He has a vision/dilusion during one of his last days trapped of a little boy, his future child, who helps him to stay alive and not give up hope.  At the end of the movie during the credits we find out that he marries and they end up having a son.  Good movie.  I definately recommend.  Now I know I am not in a life or death situation like Aron (the character in the movie), and I know the human psyche will do wonders when put in unfortunate situations like his.  But a part of me, after 2+ years of TTC, wishes for an epiphany of some sort.  Just to know I'm on the right path.  Is that too much to ask?  Maybe it is.  But again these are just the ramblings of a woman living with IF.