What Birthday?

My birthday is Saturday and I haven't planned anything.  It's kind of making me feel a little sad.  Why hadn't I planned anything you ask?  Well, I've been so focused on TTC that I really didn't want anything for my birthday (or for Christmas for that matter) because all I really want is one thing.  Last month, hubby and my family asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told them other than getting PG nothing really.  Same for my birthday.  DH started asking me earlier this month what I wanted to do.  I told him I hadn't even thought about it.  I'd been so consumed with TTC that I didn't even want to plan anything.  On top of that, I was being so optimistic that I was convinced I'd be PG by now (hoping that our last cycle had worked) and so it's not like I could go drinking or anything.  Well now that I know that our last cycle was a bust and with my recent layoff, I'm kinda regretting that I didn't plan anything.  I know it's not too late and I can use this week to plan something, but I hate leaving things to the last minute, especially when party planning.  And now that my actual bday falls on a Saturday it makes it even more frustrating.  Saturdays are the best for planning parties.  So now what?

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I mentioned that I'd like to perhaps go to a wine bar for my birthday. She suggested we go check out a couple of local places, since I had never been to one before.  But I wasn't sure if hubby had any plans for dinner for me that night.  We were at my sister's house this past weekend and she kind of let it slip that something was going down on Saturday.  By the look on hubby's face, I put two and two together and figured out that he had planned something for me.  Now, not to discredit DH's ideas and planning, but I 'm kind of nervous about what he has planned, as he's not exactly a "planner".  I haven't asked him much in regards to this weekend cause I assume it was supposed to be a surprise, but I finally caved and told him I wanted to invite some friends out to celebrate my birthday and if I should plan it for a certain time.  He told me after 10 should be fine.  I wrote down a list of friends and their numbers and handed it to him and said "if you've got something planned, these are the people I'm inviting for later on", hoping he'd get the hint.  I hoped if he was inviting friends, he'd only invite my closest since I'm not in the mood for lots of people.  Anyways, I've gotten off track...

So today I went by a potential wine bar and got some info.  Turns out they don't have any reservations for this weekend.  I told hubby I'm thinking about having it there but they had a min $200 food and beverage purchase to reserve.  He asked whose footing the bill?  And maybe he is still trying to play off the whole surprise bday party thing, but I told him that I would since it's my party (and I can cry if I want to).  And now I feel like I shouldn't plan anything after all, but I feel so helpless.  I wish I was PG already so that I don't have to worry about s*** like this anymore :(  It just seems so petty and I wish I wasn't turning another year older.  And now the sadness is kicking in once again.  Dammit.