It's Official

Well, it's official. Today is CD 37 and AF still has not shown.  I took a third HPT test this morning, and drumroll...

 

I'm NOT pregnant.  :(

 

I guess that means my body back to square one. So much for my hopes and dreams this year to finally have a baby. As much as I didn't want to get my hopes up, I did. Especially with everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies, I figured there was something going around, something in the water.  But apparently not. Maybe it's the $6000 water filtration we installed 2 years ago in our home.  Maybe it's filtering out all the pregnancy hormones.  Lol.  I only wish.

 

So my good friend had her baby on Tuesday. I can't wait to meet her little man.  My BFF.s baby bump is coming along nicely.  Pregnancy suits her well.  As much as it pains me to say this, this will not be our year.  And perhaps not even within the next two years.  And as much as it hurts me to see negative test after test, I think I've finally come to a conclusion.  Hubby and I were discussing it, and it seems IVF is our only option for now.  What does that mean? Well it means we have to save up, wait until DH is done with school and working a steady job.  Even if we have to get a loan, as I've seen many other TTCs do, we won't be financially stable until we see what our future brings.  DH's program will be two years.  So until then, I decided to hold off on any plans for a baby. Believe me, it hurts so much to have to say that. And right now it's the only thing we can do.  It's a decision I had to make to keep my sanity.  Of course we won't stop "trying", we'll never stop trying.  But now that the nursery has been converted and all the baby stuff has been put in storage, it will be a little bit easier.... hopefully.  I have decided to be the best and I can be, the best friend I can be, the best aunt, daughter and sister I can be, and of course the best wife I can be.  Just can't see motherhood in my near future, and so I have to accept that fact.  Though this is a hard pill to swallow, I need to look at it as a blessing in disguise.  DH and I have always wanted to travel, maybe this means we were meant for a life of traveling and experiencing new and different cultures.

 

So unless by some miracle of conception, this blog will be on hold for a while.  Perhaps I will still update if I decide to test again a year from now... Or if AF is unusually late (which doesn't exist).  Maybe I will change the title of this blog and use it to document our experience with being host parents for international students.  That will be the closest thing to motherhood I will get to experience.

 

So here's to hoping that life treats you kindly, and that you are blessed with wonderful children. I must go on my way... signing off....

CD 28 Update

It's CD 28 today and still no AF.  I tested Sunday, but  no BFP.  Maybe I'm jumping the gun.  AF had been coming every 24-26 days for the past 3 months, so you see where my impatience stems from.  I can't really say I'm late since other than the 2 medicated cycles and last cycle, I'd never really been regular to begin with.  I check my underwear constantly looking for any signs of spotting, yet secretly hoping AF doesn't come (because I'm KU).  I'm torturing myself :(  As I stated in my previous blog, I have not temped this cycle.  I'm even forgetting to check CM (which I was never really good at remembering anyway), but I did have a couple of weak moments where I did an OPK.  All negative.

I know it's been a few weeks since I last blogged, and this will probably be a trend since nothing is happening in this barren womb of mine.  Yes, I'm having a pity party right now.  I hadn't thought about TTC in a while, but catching up on YouTube subscriptions and bloggers, I realize that the world has gone on without me.  Several gals have gotten their BFP, friends have had babies, and yet I am stuck in what seems like eternal limbo.  I didn't realize it until now.  Truthfully, I haven't had time to even think about it.  I've been busy with work, working on course development for my summer class, catching up with friends, and redecorating/rearranging rooms for our students.  Speaking of, the rooms are coming along nicely.  We converted our guest room into the bedroom the girls will share and the "nursery" into a study/home gym.  Both rooms are finally fully painted.  We moved the full size bed out of the guest room and moved it into our room (though we downgraded from a queen, but we've been needing to replace our bed anyways... I guess the end result from too much BDing... hahahahaha) and moved in two twin size beds.  Then we placed a nightstand in between them. We moved a chest of drawers from my mom's house into the girls' room, I added some nice bedding and curtains and VOILA!  We now have a teenager's room.  My maternal instinct was on overdrive this past weekend fixing up the rooms, I tell ya.  Then with all the baby stuff moved out of the nursery and locked away in storage, we were able to make the room into the new study/gym.  A big change from the emptiness that the room had.  With all the baby stuff moved out, it's a bit of a relief not having it staring at me every time I walk into that room.  The only thing baby related that is in our house, besides the nursery painted walls, are the vintage carousel horse left in the study (I couldn't bear to leave it in storage), and the glider/ottoman (which I put in the girls' room for lounging).  I will post some before and after pics soon, hopefully.

Other than that, no real updates.  It seems like I'm getting lazier and more lethargic by the week.  It's like I don't give a damn.  I've probably gained a little weight... I wouldn't be surprised.  I've been doing more social drinking.  We've been eating out a lot more.  Exercising is on the bottom of my list right now.  I just have NO motivation whatsoever.  Plus, I've stopped taking my Vitex and pre-natal vitamins.  However, I'm still going to acupuncture twice a week.  Hubby says he wants to start losing weight; usually I'm the one trying to get him on board.  But now, I'm like "go ahead... I'll catch up".  I'm hoping I can find some motivation in seeing him lose the weight, then maybe that'll give me the push I need.

And the Brick Wall Crumbles

Yesterday, I went to visit my sister and during our conversation, IF came up.  She asked me for an update on TTC.  I told her I couldn't really do any thing now that I didn't have any insurance, so we were basically TTC naturally. She asked why insurance was needed and even though I explained this to her a while back (see previous post here.), I proceeded to tell her again. No matter how many people tell you they understand what you're going through, if they can go home and hug their biological children they really don't understand until they've been in your shoes.  I know my sister can't fully understand the complexity of my pain.  She was a teen mother (twice) and had 5 children before she even turned 30.  So no, I don't ever expect her to begin to understand what I am going through.  But all that aside, as a sister (and my one and only sibling at that) I would expect her to support me during this difficult journey.  Again, she pushed the whole adoption thing.  Now I have nothing against adoption and we have even considered it at one time, but to push and keep pushing it... yeah you're going to eventually push me into a deep, dark corner.  And boy did she push hard. She argued that I could adopt and still keep trying.  I told her I would never stop trying.  She asks if I'm going to keep trying until I'm old?  Oh, if only she knew. She even went as far to tell me that she and her husband discussed it when they couldn't get pregnant right away; that she's not as fertile as she used to be.  And by right away, I mean 6 months after having unprotected sex.  Then had the nerve to tell me that if she was in my place she would have started the process by now.  Then had the decency to tell me she understands what I'm going through.  Oh, you are so far from understanding.... so diluted in seeing what's in front of you.  Not even close, haven't even grazed the tip of the iceberg, not even the least bit warm... you are frozen.  I threw out my side of the story, which just broke me down even more.  Needless to say, she put me in a weak and vulnerable place.  I consider myself emotionally strong and I don't like crying, especially in front of people.  But her idiocy stabbed me right in the heart, in the very center of my being and it shattered me to pieces.  I'm thankful my mom was there to "catch me" (metaphorically speaking) because I don't know how I would've walked away from the situation.  On the way out, I was still sobbing.  She walked me to my car and told me she didn't mean to hurt me.  I told her that I believed her but she has no idea what just happened.  She found my weakness, the thing I hide from so many people.  And though sometimes I can push her buttons, she has found the big red button that will shake me to the core. She said she would never use that against me and though I love my sister, I won't let her be responsible for breaking me down like that again.  I've decided that until this journey is over, I have to distance myself.  That doesn't mean not talking to her or avoiding family functions, it just means we can't be as "tight".  She tends to hold grudges and there was a time she didn't speak to me for months.  Now that we were on good terms, I had made an effort to stay on her good side and keep friendly and so we were hanging out more.  That is changing, and I might be saying that because I'm in a horrible place right now, but I can't be around negative people like that...  Even if they are my family.

What Birthday?

My birthday is Saturday and I haven't planned anything.  It's kind of making me feel a little sad.  Why hadn't I planned anything you ask?  Well, I've been so focused on TTC that I really didn't want anything for my birthday (or for Christmas for that matter) because all I really want is one thing.  Last month, hubby and my family asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told them other than getting PG nothing really.  Same for my birthday.  DH started asking me earlier this month what I wanted to do.  I told him I hadn't even thought about it.  I'd been so consumed with TTC that I didn't even want to plan anything.  On top of that, I was being so optimistic that I was convinced I'd be PG by now (hoping that our last cycle had worked) and so it's not like I could go drinking or anything.  Well now that I know that our last cycle was a bust and with my recent layoff, I'm kinda regretting that I didn't plan anything.  I know it's not too late and I can use this week to plan something, but I hate leaving things to the last minute, especially when party planning.  And now that my actual bday falls on a Saturday it makes it even more frustrating.  Saturdays are the best for planning parties.  So now what?

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I mentioned that I'd like to perhaps go to a wine bar for my birthday. She suggested we go check out a couple of local places, since I had never been to one before.  But I wasn't sure if hubby had any plans for dinner for me that night.  We were at my sister's house this past weekend and she kind of let it slip that something was going down on Saturday.  By the look on hubby's face, I put two and two together and figured out that he had planned something for me.  Now, not to discredit DH's ideas and planning, but I 'm kind of nervous about what he has planned, as he's not exactly a "planner".  I haven't asked him much in regards to this weekend cause I assume it was supposed to be a surprise, but I finally caved and told him I wanted to invite some friends out to celebrate my birthday and if I should plan it for a certain time.  He told me after 10 should be fine.  I wrote down a list of friends and their numbers and handed it to him and said "if you've got something planned, these are the people I'm inviting for later on", hoping he'd get the hint.  I hoped if he was inviting friends, he'd only invite my closest since I'm not in the mood for lots of people.  Anyways, I've gotten off track...

So today I went by a potential wine bar and got some info.  Turns out they don't have any reservations for this weekend.  I told hubby I'm thinking about having it there but they had a min $200 food and beverage purchase to reserve.  He asked whose footing the bill?  And maybe he is still trying to play off the whole surprise bday party thing, but I told him that I would since it's my party (and I can cry if I want to).  And now I feel like I shouldn't plan anything after all, but I feel so helpless.  I wish I was PG already so that I don't have to worry about s*** like this anymore :(  It just seems so petty and I wish I wasn't turning another year older.  And now the sadness is kicking in once again.  Dammit.

Med. Cycle #2 A Bust

Today is CD 3, which means our second medicated cycle didn't work.  Bummer.  I'm sad and disappointed, but surprisingly not as upset as I thought I'd be.  Maybe it's still too early to have sunken in. I don't know.  Last night I told DH, "F*** it, let's go for margaritas".  I had been really good this past cycle and hadn't had anything since starting the meds (so basically since New Years).  And tonight we are going for drinks again at my favorite Cajun restaurant (I've been craving crawfish).  I'm disappointed that this cycle didn't work.  I felt good about this cycle, like this would be the one.  I was staying positive and optimistic.  But alas, destiny had other plans.  What can I do but just accept it.  I think that's why I'm so ho hum about it.  AF showed on what would have been CD 27, so maybe it's a sign that my girly parts are now starting to get the hang of things.  I asked hubby, what his thoughts are going into the next cycle:  Did he want to do meds?  Did he want to try winging it?  He basically said it was up to me since it's my body (I explained it's his body too and his decision as well, but he wants what's best for me... such a caring hubby :))  My decision... Going back to square one.  For me, that basically means TTC a la natural.  It's a good thing I bought all those OPKs.  I'm definately gonna be needing them.  I also have to mention that I have a stash of HPTs as well.  Up until yesterday, I was convinced that AF was implantation bleeding.  How crazy is that?!  I was like a madwoman Wednesday, desperately researching signs and symptoms of implantation.  I was squeezing my fingers and toes crossed, hoping that the spotting wouldn't last past the 3rd day.  AF has been really light, even for today CD 3.  Usually I'd be at a medium flow by now.  But it's been fluctuating between spotting and and light flow off and on for the past 3 days.  I guess that's why I have been torturing myself with thinking it's the implantation.  But I can't find anything that says that implantation bleeding lasts past 2 days.  So I have to accept that AF has reared her ugly head.  And now the cramps have been starting.  Yeah, definately a visit from the red-headed beeyotch.  LOL.  So on to the next cycle.

I have set a daily alarm for 6:30 am.  I'm going to be adament about taking my temps at the same time each day.  My charts have recently been zig-zaggy, and I think alot has to do with my waking times.  I don't have a steady schedule so some days I sleep in and others I have to wake up early to go to work.  So it kinda makes my charts look wonky (plus the meds aren't helping either).  So now that I'm off the meds and I'll be temping at the same time each morning, I'm hoping my chart will look better.  But funny that today I had a temp spike.  I'm continuing my regular meds as prescribed by my doc.  That includes levoxyl every morning, metformin every other day, and dostinex once a week.  If I ovulate this cycle, I will also take the progesterone two days after O, because I feel like that's helping to regulate my cycle.  I am going to try and monitor my CM everyday (I say try because I keep forgetting to check it in past cycles) and will more than likely start using OPKs starting on CD 7 since FF seems to think that's when my predicted O days are.  And then we will have to plan TI accordingly.  So timing and scheduling will still be very important this cycle.  That won't be going away anytime soon, that's for sure. 

So that's the plan going into this next cycle.  Plus, I need to get back into my weigh loss routine.  I've been sooooooooo lazy about it.  Plus with my plantar fascitis and heel spur, I don't really feel like going to the gym.  I haven't gone in over a month.  It's killing me just thinking about it.  I'm just wasting my money.  Plus I'm paying for personal training and I haven't gone back to that either.  Gosh, it makes me feel so overwhelmed.  But I have noticed I have lost some weight.  Maybe it's because DH and I aren't going out to eat as much.

In other news, I'm finding out more and more people are getting PG.  It seems to come in waves.  This is a really big wave.  A tidal wave at that.  Just found out my cousin is PG with her first.  She's the baby of my generation on my dad's side.  I'm really happy for her.  She's 28 and been with her guy for like 13 or 14 years.  That's as much as I know.  Plus two of my very close friends are PG.  One with her first, and I'm very happy for them too.  I know of a few other ladies as well.  Then on top of that, celebrities my age are getting KU and then it's all over the tabloids in your face.  It gets to me sometimes.  I'm not a religious person so it's hard to stay optimistic sometimes.  It's times like these I wish I could see the future... just to see our children.  I think if I could get a glimpse into the future and see our family "complete" it would give me a renewed sense of hope.  If these were our biological children, I would know eventually we would have a successful cycle and it would keep me that much more motivated.  If they were adopted, I'd be just as happy but then I'd want to start the adoption process already.  Like, why waste my time on TTC?  We watched a movie this week called 127 Hours (based on a true story) about a canyonierre (sp?) who falls into a canyon and gets stuck after a rock gets lodged and pins his hand to the side of the canyon.  In the end, he ends up cutting off his own arm to save his life after being trapped for 127 hours (5ish days).  He has a vision/dilusion during one of his last days trapped of a little boy, his future child, who helps him to stay alive and not give up hope.  At the end of the movie during the credits we find out that he marries and they end up having a son.  Good movie.  I definately recommend.  Now I know I am not in a life or death situation like Aron (the character in the movie), and I know the human psyche will do wonders when put in unfortunate situations like his.  But a part of me, after 2+ years of TTC, wishes for an epiphany of some sort.  Just to know I'm on the right path.  Is that too much to ask?  Maybe it is.  But again these are just the ramblings of a woman living with IF.

Work Update and FX for Tomorrow

I know I said I wouldn't update until Friday, but alas, here I am.  I had a late lunch with a good friend of mine who is preggers and was updating her on all that's been going on these past few weeks.  Thinking about it, made me kind of want to post my thoughts about today and my anticipation of tomorrow's appt.  I got a phone call a couple of hours ago confirming my appt tomorrow.  I really hadn't thought about it all day (until I happened to mention it to my friend earlier) and that is mainly due to the fact that I started my first day at my new job today. 

I kind of started off on the wrong foot considering I was 20 minutes late for work... my first day... geeze what an impression that makes.   And I know there's really no good excuse when you're trying to make a good impression, but I honestly underestimated traffic.  Then there was this huge traffic jam on one of the main roads leading out of my subdivision.  And I was so pissed sitting there, twiddling my thumbs, moving 5 feet every 5 minutes.  After nearly 20 minutes sitting there hardly moving, I decided to veer off the main road and drive further out of the area just so I could hop on the tollway hoping the traffic was a little lighter.  Well, the 10 minute drive to get to the damn tollway didn't help and just set me further back from the city, which in turn made me drive farther.... ughhh!  Then there was traffic on the tollway to top it off.  I tell ya, when it rain, it pours.  Needless to say, as soon as I got a chance (waiting at a red light), I texted my boss and told him I was gonna be late and apologized in advanced.  I was not a happy camper :(  Luckily, the patient ended up cancelling their appt so I didn't have them waiting on me when I arrived at the office.  But still... great 1st impression I made on the boss.  Other than that little mess this morning, the rest of the day at the office pretty much ran smoothly.  We had a little hiccup with our medical equipment, but were able to work through it.  I need to mention this is a brand new medical office that just opened up a month ago, so they are still trying to work out the kinks.  Anyways, I'm still trying to pick up some extra work and so I had a meeting scheduled with one of my previous employer's after finishing today's clinic.  I knew she would welcome me back, but she made it pretty clear that she did not enjoy my little hiatuses of going back and forth working for her (I have quit there twice before due to a better job opportunities).  Third time's a charm, eh?  I wish I could make her see that.  LOL... But either way I'm done with that other type of work.  Though they pay really well and have good benefits, it is quite unstable, and I cannot afford to take another work risk.  I need a steadier job and something that will work for me long-term especially when LO comes.  I had to make her understand that and basically asked for my old job back (a little short of groveling, I might add).  We ended up agreeing on a one-year contract to put her mind to ease so that she knows I'm serious.  I don't like contracts but what can I do?  I need my job back.  So with that, I now have 3 jobs = 3 days a week.  I start next week.

On to other thoughts... my 2nd follicle search is scheduled for tomorrow and I'm getting nervous.  I just took an OPK and it was negative.  I have a bit of watery CM but I'm not trying to read much into it.  BBTs are still a little wonky and I haven't seen a definate O yet.  I've been massaging and touching my left side hoping to bring positive energy to Lefty, though I don't know how much it will help.  This may be our last chance for a medicated cycle this season due to our financial situation and it makes me a little sad.  Of course we are not giving up TTC.  We are just going back to doing it the "old-fashioned" way, so that means I will definately need to start on my WL.  Perhaps in the summer, we can reasess our situation, see where we are at in terms of finances, school, work, weight loss and then maybe pay a visit to the doctor again.  I'm seriously considering transferring to an RE (I know some may think I should've done this long, long ago but I had faith in my OB/GYN).  I don't know if that would cost more considering I may be doing more monitoring.  I am still hanging on to the script that Trudy wrote for me yesterday.  In case this cycle was unsuccessful, she wrote me one for 100mg Clomid.  I don't know if I will fill it, but will keep it tucked safely anyway.  I feel sad ending today's entry on this note, but it is what it is.  I'm just keeping my FX that cycle #2 is our cycle.  Pretty please, with a cherry on top?  ;)

An Evening of Song

So every once in a while a girl needs a good cry.  Especially when dealing with IF.  It's hard to stay positive sometimes.  Well today is one of those days, and though I can't bring myself to shed a tear (for fear of ruining a celebratory holiday?  perhaps), I wanted to share a few songs that I've picked up along the way.  Though they may not all be about IF, per se, they each share a special meaning for those of us experiencing it.  I don't mean to make this a cry fest, but I'm in one of those moods today.

 

On a side note, looks like AF is packing her bags.  Though I'm thrilled for the short and unexpected visit, I can't help but be anxious of the coming weeks, especially with my recent job loss.  So once again I leave you with hopes of new beginnings for a new year.  I won't be back until next year (I love saying that) and hopefully that will mark the new beginning.

Happy New Years, and good tidings for a great 2013!

New Year Off to Bad Start :(





On Friday evening (two days ago)  I got news that I was laid off effective immediately.  My company shut down due to recent changes in Medicare/Medicaid legislative cuts.  After finding out via a mandatory company teleconference, I was a hormonal mess.  JC was at work and I got to only speak to him briefly.  I was alone to deal with the impact.  Immediately, I texted a few of my close girlfriends to tell them what was up and that I may be MIA for a while.  Last year I was laid off from the same company due to other reasons, and the changes put me into a slight depression.  So I was expecting the same this time around as well.

 

I know it may be a little early to worry but with all that was going on in TTC life, I was pretty upset.  I didn't know where this would put us.  Our insurance was covered under me and with the job loss, I now won't have any medical insurance.  The COBRA premium is to costly for us to afford and hubby's insurance is also very expensive.  What has made this news even worse, was I just had started my cycle the previous evening.  I was so happy, and so excited (as you read in my previous blog) to start the new cycle.  The morning of the layoff, before receiving the news, I  had scheduled all my appointments for monitoring and picked up my new prescriptions for this second medicated cycle.  That excitement was short lived, as you could have expected, when I received Friday's sad news.

 

I'm still kind of in shock from the news and decided I really couldn't do anything until the new year started (which is in a few days).  With the upcoming holiday, and with everything being closed, I decided that Wednesday, Jan 2nd is when I would start putting in calls to previous employers and filing for unemployment.  Hubby and I discussed if we should move forward or not with this TTC cycle, and we both decided that yes, we would since I already had paid for the meds.  If it happens and I get a BFP, we would deal with it when the time came.  In the meantime, hubby will continue working and still plan on resuming his classes this coming semester.  I have already applied to several jobs online.  I am trying to remain optimistic that things will turn out okay.  I am still worried about our financial situation since bills will continue to come in.  I will try and stay focused on losing weight, especially now that I am no longer employed.  I can dedicate this free time to staying dedicated to my weight loss.

 

That is all for now.  I will leave you with a pic of all the meds I'm on since TTC.  I am still amazed that I take this many pills just so that I can try to get pregnant.  From not taking anything, having no medical illness up until this year when diagnosed with PCOS...  to now taking  7 meds.  These include cabergoline, levothyroxine, metformin, progesterone, clomid, prenatal vitamins, and HCG.  I used to also take prednisone when first diagnosed.  But they took me off that when they saw that wasn't helping any.  You can also see my weekly pill organizer and see what I'm taking daily.  This also varies week to week, depending on where I'm at in my cycle.

 

 

So here's to a new year and a new beginning....

 

Clomid Cycle #1 Fail :(

So I had my hopes up that this cycle would work.  I know it's just our first medicated cycle, but I was really optimistic that this would be the one.   Sadly I was mistaken...

I went in for my follicle search yesterday, highly anticipating good news.  The US was very uncomfortable and she had the probe shoved in pretty deep.  I don't know much about what I was seeing, but I do know she was measuring something.  I could see numbers like 28mm and 32 mm which I got really excited about.  From what I've been reading online, mature follicles are over 24 mm big.  I asked the tech whether she could tell if I ovulated or not since I had a "positive" OPK on CD 10, but she told me she couldn't tell me and that I would have to talk to the nurse.  The procedure was done in about 10 minutes and she had me wait for Trudy.

When Trudy brought me into her office, she told me that the search found no mature follicles.  I knew what this meant and immediately felt crushed.  I was alone, so I couldn't let myself fall apart.  Basically, the US had found no dominant follicle, meaning I wouldn't be ovulating this cycle.  Therefore we had to cancel the trigger.  She proceeded to tell me that we would try another cycle this time increasing my dosage on the Serophene (clomid) to one and a half tablets for five days; again starting on CD3.  Then we would do another follicle search again on CD14, and hopefully be able to trigger.  She told me that if the second cycle didn't work, she would schedule me a lap (laproscopy).  This is a day surgery in which the doctor would go in and zap the "cysts" from my ovaries, thereby enabling them to work a little better.  Then we would try another medicated cycle, hoping the surgery fixed the problem.  Again, small steps at a time, but unfortunately more money out of our pockets since my insurance doesn't cover fertility treatments.  She also asked me if the hubby and I had talked about IVF.  I was a little shocked she brought this up considering it was only my 1st clomid cycle, but considering how agressive we are being with the IF treatments, I shouldn't have been surprised.  I told her we discussed it very briefly but hadn't made any decisions.  She gave me a heads up on the costs.... approximately $12,000 all said and done for ONE treatment!  And there's NO guarantee it would work.  I didn't say much after that and told her we were gonna keep trying with the meds until I can't do anymore.  Clomid works best when used within the first 6 cycles and after that the success rate declines.  But she said we could try up to 9 cycles if we wanted to choose that route.  I told her we'd take one cycle at a time and she agreed that was the best decision, but wanted to give all options.  She asked how I was doing and if all was okay.  I kinda just shrugged my shoulders and told her it's been hard, but what could I do.  I left after exchanging wishes for a happy holiday season with her and she said she'd see me next year.

Walking to my car, I had this huge lump in my throat and I was rushing to get into my car so that I could let it out.  When I got in, I called JC and told him everything that happened and burst into tears.  He too was disappointed, but tried to be strong for me.  He told me to just keep doing what I've been doing to lose weight and hopefully in a month I would lose a few more pounds that will help with IF.  I know, I know.  But it's just so hard to get up and dust yourself off.  I really didn't want to go to the gym after that, but I forced myself and did the most cardio I've done thus far.  An hour and a half (usually I just do an hour). 

We still stuck to our TI scheudle and BD last night, though it was kind of bittersweet.  We have one more day of TI tomorrow and that will be the end for this cycle (planned BD that is, lol).  I'm supposed to start taking the prometrium tomorrow through day 32/34 and stop if BFN.  Till then, all I can do is hope for two lines on my OPK even though Trudy said there wasn't really any chance I'd O this cycle.  Still hoping though.

So until then, we wait for AF so that we can start over.

IF sux, in case I haven't stated the obvious.

CD 10 and Other Stuff

So yesterday I officially started doing OPKs.  So far all negatives.  I'm doing one mid morning and one in the evening.  I just did my 1st one for today and it's a negative.  Today also starts the commencement of our BDing for this cycle.  I wanted to get a headstart and BD last night but I changed my mind and I will tell you why in a bit.

Also, yesterday I picked up my prescription for the HCG injection.  It's funny how as a TTCer, you find emotions in the littlest of things.  For instance, as I was waiting for the prescription which only took about 5 minutes to get after I dropped it off, I was soooo nervous.  Like this was a big step in a positive direction and we are that much closer to being parents.  I texted hubby to let him know about my nervousness (figuring he would understand where it was coming from), and he basically said to calm down.  LOL.  I knew he only meant it in a loving/supportive way, but I guess until you're in my shoes, one wouldn't really know the effect of picking up that prescription made on me.  Of course I made a video to document it when I got back to work.  So since it doesn't have to be stored in any particular way, it's just waiting for me at home until the 17th, when we will use it.

So back to yesterday.  Yesterday was our company holiday dinner and we met up at this great Latin fusion restaurant called Americas in the River Oaks area.  I work for a mobile company based out of California so there's really not many of us that work here in Houston.  I'm the only tech here in this area at this time and there's a doctor that does EMGs that they just hired last month here in Houston.  Also there are two sales reps that work in this area too.  So aside from us, the only people that came to the dinner were some of the executives and our region service specialist.  Also a tech from the Louisiana area flew in for the dinner since they were not going to be doing a dinner in that area this year.  So a total of nine of us were at the dinner.  It was a really nice restaurant and the dinner was really good.  I had some chorizo empanadas for an appetizer, the salmon for the main course, and some dulce de leche cookies for dessert.  Everything was really good.  During dinner we all were seated at a long table and I sat on the end.  Even though I had about three glasses of wine, my social anxiety was still there.  If I don't really know anyone, it's hard for me to carry on a conversation.  It's been like that ever since I could remember.  People might assume it's just shyness, but it's so much more than that.  It's social anxiety and though it's not very severe, it make social situations very uncomfortable and sometimes torturous.  So there I was sitting there, trying to make conversation, but mostly listening.  I could feel every minute ticking by.  I enjoyed the food and was so happy when things were wrapping up.  Near the end I was texting JC, because I just got fed up with trying to mingle.  We finally left like three hours later and as I was walking to my car, I was talking on the phone with JC summing up what happened at dinner.  I was telling him that I also wanted to get a head start on the BDing and that when I got home, that's what I planned to do.  He was all for it.  LOL.  I was a bit tipsy, but mostly relieved that I was out of the dinner situation.  My drive home was about twenty minutes, and I took my time getting home.  I had hung up with hubby about 5 minutes into my drive and now was just jamming to some CDs in my car.  A couple of minutes later, I just started crying.  It seemed like out of the blue.  And then it dawned on me that I was still depressed about the whole IF issue.  Yes, it's calmed down alot, but the frustration and emotions are still there.  During dinner, our conversation had turned to kids and school and extracurricular activities.  Also earlier that day we had conversation about kids as well.  And at dinner, I was chit chatting with the doctor about natural birth, natural parenting, puree-ing baby food, etc.  Then some of my co-workers were showing pics of their children on their phone.  And earlier that day another co-worker was saying how she's glad her kids are grown and how women need to make time for themselves.  She's around 41 and she's a grandmother.  I think just the accumulation of all the conversations came down on me and I just broke down and cried.  I cried all the way home.  Needless to say, when I got home, I was in no mood to BD.  I barely spoke a word to hubby, changed into my pjs  and went to bed.  So no starting the BDing that night.  To make matters worse, I woke up a few hours later with severe cramping in my bowels and bad diarrhea.  Plus I felt nauseous.  I ran to the bathroom where I spent a little time.  Great, just how I needed to end my day... probably food poisoning.  Today my stomach still feels a little weird, but I'm determined to BD today.