Glad to Be Back! BEDA #1

Wow!  It's been a while since my last post.  Over two months.  This is gonna be a long update.  But that's a good thing since I'm thinking of doing BEDA this year.  BEDA stands for Blog Every Day in August.  I got the idea from fellow YouTubers who do VEDA, and since I stopped posting videos, I decided why not do BEDA instead?  I'm a day late, but I think tonight's blog entry will make up for yesterday as well.  So here goes...

We've had quite a change in pace over the past 2 months here at home.  Though there has been a couple of obstacles to get around, most of the change has been for the better.  We are now well acquainted with our foreign exchange students.  We've been in communication with them regularly over the last month and a half and it's so exciting learning more and more about them.  They are both happily anticipating their visit here with us and already we've made huge plans in traveling and showing them what we like.  The list that I mentioned in my past blog has gotten even longer in length.  There's over 100 things that I've listed that I can't wait to show them.  Granted we probably won't be able to do all of it, but I'm hoping we can do most of it.  The girls will be coming in a few weeks, and though we are not quite ready for them yet (still working on getting them registered for school... still need to do some major cleaning around the house), we are almost there.  I keep procrastinating and putting off the cleaning for the weekends, but those "cleaning weekends" never seem to hash out.  We've always got something else better to do... lol.  Anyways, that's about the only thing I'm worried about.  Keeping my fingers crossed that we can make some progress on the cleaning this weekend, even though we've already got plans for the evening.

So just to share a little more information about our girls.  G, as you recall, is from Thailand.  She's the one we've been in contact with the longest (and probably the most "like" us).  She's kind of shy and timid, but she's super cute.  She's this tiny little thing, probably not even 5 foot tall, and under 100 lbs.  So cute, you just want to put her in your pocket.  She's still working on getting better at English, and she's a bit nervous about being able to communicate well with us and her fellow peers.  She's still attending school in Thailand and actually just completed her midterm exams.  She's also really involved in her cultural exchange organization that she participates in outside of school.  Unlike the U.S., in Thailand, school is strictly for educational subject classes like math, reading, history, government, language studies, etc.  Any sports or clubs that students wish to participate in, they have to do on their own time away from school.  G likes being in her cultural exchange program.  Already, she has spent a summer in New Zealand as a member of the organization.  They also recently had their annual prom, in which they got to celebrate and spend one more evening with their friends of the organization, before packing up and jetting off to their respective countries for the foreign exchange program.  G tells me that she has 3 more friends coming to the U.S., though none set for Texas.  She is super excited about coming here to Texas, as she has seen lots of pictures of the landscape, seen it portrayed in movies, and read about all the wonderful things to do while here in our city.  One of things she tells me she's most excited about is going horseback riding.  She's been once before in New Zealand and she really enjoyed it.  She's also excited to meet new friends, though she admits she's a little shy and quiet at first.  She's kind of glad M will also be staying with us, as it gives her an opportunity to make a friend before school starts.  She's also looking forward to getting involved with school sports, primarily swimming and perhaps cheerleading.  She wants to take Spanish class so that she can learn the language.  It's something she's been interested in for a while.  She enjoys the same music as me (in regards to American pop music) and said she's eager to learn how to dance.  I told her I like dancing all kinds of music, so she's excited for me to teach her a few things.  I told her I would like to learn how to cook Thai food and she eagerly offered to teach me.  Though she doesn't cook very much at home in Thailand, she has picked up a few things from her mother.  She's very eager to learn and experience as much as she can here with us and every time we email each other, she gives me a countdown as to when she arrives.

M is our other student.  She is from Germany.  She's very different from G, though I think that will only give them more to talk about when they are together.  She's a little more versed in travel and new experiences.  She loves the study of language and is also pretty fluent in Spanish.  She tells me she also has plans to learn French and Madarin Chinese.  Wow, how motivated she is!  She is also very involved in tennis in her homeland.  She competes in regular tournaments and hoping she can continue the sport while staying here with us.  We found out the high school does have a tennis team so hopefully she will be able to participate in that.  She also has an interest in cheerleading.  She seems a little more social and outspoken, though we've only communicated via email.  She spent the summer in Spain and actually just got back home this week.  Plus her birthday was a couple of days ago, so it's one thing after another and she seems to stay pretty busy.  Though we haven't had as much communication with her as we have with G, she does respond pretty thoroughly in her emails.  Her English writing is very good.  She also seems to enjoy the same kind of music as I do (we have some of the same favorite music artists).  She tells me she is looking forward to learning about the American culture.  She wants to be involved in foreign languages when she grows up, so she is hoping to also master the English language while staying here.  She tells me she's not much of a cook, but does enjoy her German food so she's eager to try the local German restaurant that I mentioned earlier.  She's not into spicy food much so I don't know how she'll handle Mexican and Thai food.  We shall see.  I told her about our local German festival and Oktoberfest and she says she's super excited to check it out.   One of things she tells me she's most excited about is going shopping.  What teenage girl isn't?  She tells me that she's heard that name brands (especially her favorites, Hollister and Ambercrombie) are pretty affordable here in the states, while in Germany it's really expensive.  She doesn't seem to be nervous at all about coming here to the U.S.  I asked her if she has ever traveled here and she said a couple of times to Ohio, where she has some distant relatives.  As much as she has traveled and studied Spanish, maybe I can learn a thing or two from her.

So those are our 2 students.  M just turned 17 and G is 16 and a half.  I'm still not sure what grades they'll be in since we still need to get them registered.  But like I said earlier, we already have so much planned for them.  I wanted to do something big for either the winter holiday break or spring break and since hubby is pretty much guaranteed mandatory overtime during December, I figured we could hold off until the spring break holiday.  So what I've started working on is planning a trip to Disney World!  I asked the girls first whether their parents would allow them to travel to Florida and whether they'd be able to afford their expenses for the trip.  They both discussed it with their family and happily agreed upon the trip.  They are both very excited to get to experience Disney since they haven't ever visited any of the theme parks around the world.  But of course what kid wouldn't be excited?!  Hubby and I are excited ourselves as we've never experienced it either.  So that is the big thing we have planned in March.  Another thing that hubby and I are planning is a Welcome to America party for the girls.  Just something to introduce them to other kids and some of our family and close friends.  We are trying to keep it as small as possible, but hubby and I love to throw parties, especially one that has music and barbeque.  And finally, and this came up just recently, we decided to invite them to UFC #166 when it comes to our city in October.  We weren't sure if they'd want to go, especially having never seen it and the tickets being so expensive.  But running it by their parents, they were ready to jump in for the experience.  So happy to say, we bought 4 tickets for the upcoming fights and can't wait to share our love of the sport with them.

And now moving on to less interesting news... As far as a TTC update, there's really nothing to report on.  It's on the back burner and not a priority in our life right now (something I thought I'd never hear myself say).  I don't want to say I've given up on it, but I've pretty much come to the realization that I'm not going to be a mom unless we adopt or until I can get pregnant.  And the getting pregnant thing won't be happening anytime soon.  We've both basically have an understanding that unless we have some serious medical intervention (i.e. IVF) that it won't be happening naturally.  It's the reality of the situation and right now I'm ok with that.  I can't say that I won't ever try other means again, but my body is so screwed up right now, that mother nature has pretty much crossed me off her list.  Yeah it sucks, but hey... shit happens.  And when I say screwed up I mean not only that I haven't had my period in almost 5 months (today is CD 141), but I've put on a few more pounds, and I haven't seen a doctor since we last tried with HCG in January.  And no, I'm not pregnant.  I take a HPT every first of the month to make sure I don't wind up on that show "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant".  Yesterday's test, just as expected came out with a BFN.  No surprise there... and it didn't even phase me.

As for the weight thing, yes I know, I know.  I can't believe I gained weight either.  I was a little depressed as the whole TTC came to a startling halt.  That probably contributed to it.  But mainly I blame it on letting go.  Since letting go of the whole TTC journey, I kinda was like "F- it!"  Before I was trying to lose the weight for babymaking, but since that's not gonna happen I decided to enjoy life.  Now that I have steady work and the paychecks are coming in regularly, hubby and I have been taking advantage and enjoying going to eat out.  We've both actually started to gain weight.  And then because I started working so much, I was skipping the gym.  And then I get home and I'm super tired and just want to lounge around the house.  It's a never ending cycle and I do want to get back on track especially with the girls coming.  I hate to validate the stereotype of fat and lazy Americans.  (I did some research on culture shock and one of the common first impressions from foreign exchange students are that Americans are fat and lazy.... boooooo)  Plus my girls seem really energetic and active and I want to be able to keep up with them.  I hope they will be able to motivate me.  Maybe I can get them on a student/child membership at the gym.  We'll see.

Finally, I just wanted to mention that this is the year for baby showers.  I told my mom the other day that I'm at that stage in life where everyone my age is getting pregnant.  It's kind of weird, kind of eerie, but I'm so thankful that I've put my TTC days behind me, because this year would suck royally had I still been TTC and not pregnant by now.  I finally re-activated my FB account, primarily to keep in touch with the girls (imagine life without social networking, how would we ever be in touch?  I mean who writes letters nowadays?... lol... that's sarcasm) and now that I'm back online and in full force, there are friends and family members announcing pregnancies and births left and right!  I'm thankful I have a job to afford all these gifts I'm buying.  I swear like every month I find out someone new is pregnant.  Happy for them, of course, but reminds me more and more that I'm not the one announcing it.  Not saying that in a bad way, just that these were some of the people asking me 3 years ago "So when are you gonna have kids?"  I guess time flies when you're having fun.

Well that's about all I gotta say for today.  Tomorrow is another day and I gotta think about what I want to write about.  So see you then.

Chain, Chain, Chain...

My TTC necklace broke last week.  Hmmmm, I wonder if that was a sign of some sort.  Or maybe foreshadowing.  Then again, DH would say it's just coincidence.

It's Official

Well, it's official. Today is CD 37 and AF still has not shown.  I took a third HPT test this morning, and drumroll...

 

I'm NOT pregnant.  :(

 

I guess that means my body back to square one. So much for my hopes and dreams this year to finally have a baby. As much as I didn't want to get my hopes up, I did. Especially with everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies, I figured there was something going around, something in the water.  But apparently not. Maybe it's the $6000 water filtration we installed 2 years ago in our home.  Maybe it's filtering out all the pregnancy hormones.  Lol.  I only wish.

 

So my good friend had her baby on Tuesday. I can't wait to meet her little man.  My BFF.s baby bump is coming along nicely.  Pregnancy suits her well.  As much as it pains me to say this, this will not be our year.  And perhaps not even within the next two years.  And as much as it hurts me to see negative test after test, I think I've finally come to a conclusion.  Hubby and I were discussing it, and it seems IVF is our only option for now.  What does that mean? Well it means we have to save up, wait until DH is done with school and working a steady job.  Even if we have to get a loan, as I've seen many other TTCs do, we won't be financially stable until we see what our future brings.  DH's program will be two years.  So until then, I decided to hold off on any plans for a baby. Believe me, it hurts so much to have to say that. And right now it's the only thing we can do.  It's a decision I had to make to keep my sanity.  Of course we won't stop "trying", we'll never stop trying.  But now that the nursery has been converted and all the baby stuff has been put in storage, it will be a little bit easier.... hopefully.  I have decided to be the best and I can be, the best friend I can be, the best aunt, daughter and sister I can be, and of course the best wife I can be.  Just can't see motherhood in my near future, and so I have to accept that fact.  Though this is a hard pill to swallow, I need to look at it as a blessing in disguise.  DH and I have always wanted to travel, maybe this means we were meant for a life of traveling and experiencing new and different cultures.

 

So unless by some miracle of conception, this blog will be on hold for a while.  Perhaps I will still update if I decide to test again a year from now... Or if AF is unusually late (which doesn't exist).  Maybe I will change the title of this blog and use it to document our experience with being host parents for international students.  That will be the closest thing to motherhood I will get to experience.

 

So here's to hoping that life treats you kindly, and that you are blessed with wonderful children. I must go on my way... signing off....

CD 28 Update

It's CD 28 today and still no AF.  I tested Sunday, but  no BFP.  Maybe I'm jumping the gun.  AF had been coming every 24-26 days for the past 3 months, so you see where my impatience stems from.  I can't really say I'm late since other than the 2 medicated cycles and last cycle, I'd never really been regular to begin with.  I check my underwear constantly looking for any signs of spotting, yet secretly hoping AF doesn't come (because I'm KU).  I'm torturing myself :(  As I stated in my previous blog, I have not temped this cycle.  I'm even forgetting to check CM (which I was never really good at remembering anyway), but I did have a couple of weak moments where I did an OPK.  All negative.

I know it's been a few weeks since I last blogged, and this will probably be a trend since nothing is happening in this barren womb of mine.  Yes, I'm having a pity party right now.  I hadn't thought about TTC in a while, but catching up on YouTube subscriptions and bloggers, I realize that the world has gone on without me.  Several gals have gotten their BFP, friends have had babies, and yet I am stuck in what seems like eternal limbo.  I didn't realize it until now.  Truthfully, I haven't had time to even think about it.  I've been busy with work, working on course development for my summer class, catching up with friends, and redecorating/rearranging rooms for our students.  Speaking of, the rooms are coming along nicely.  We converted our guest room into the bedroom the girls will share and the "nursery" into a study/home gym.  Both rooms are finally fully painted.  We moved the full size bed out of the guest room and moved it into our room (though we downgraded from a queen, but we've been needing to replace our bed anyways... I guess the end result from too much BDing... hahahahaha) and moved in two twin size beds.  Then we placed a nightstand in between them. We moved a chest of drawers from my mom's house into the girls' room, I added some nice bedding and curtains and VOILA!  We now have a teenager's room.  My maternal instinct was on overdrive this past weekend fixing up the rooms, I tell ya.  Then with all the baby stuff moved out of the nursery and locked away in storage, we were able to make the room into the new study/gym.  A big change from the emptiness that the room had.  With all the baby stuff moved out, it's a bit of a relief not having it staring at me every time I walk into that room.  The only thing baby related that is in our house, besides the nursery painted walls, are the vintage carousel horse left in the study (I couldn't bear to leave it in storage), and the glider/ottoman (which I put in the girls' room for lounging).  I will post some before and after pics soon, hopefully.

Other than that, no real updates.  It seems like I'm getting lazier and more lethargic by the week.  It's like I don't give a damn.  I've probably gained a little weight... I wouldn't be surprised.  I've been doing more social drinking.  We've been eating out a lot more.  Exercising is on the bottom of my list right now.  I just have NO motivation whatsoever.  Plus, I've stopped taking my Vitex and pre-natal vitamins.  However, I'm still going to acupuncture twice a week.  Hubby says he wants to start losing weight; usually I'm the one trying to get him on board.  But now, I'm like "go ahead... I'll catch up".  I'm hoping I can find some motivation in seeing him lose the weight, then maybe that'll give me the push I need.

The Room

As infertiles, thoughts of babies can sometimes consume us.  I have been one of the more hopeful ones that has taken my imagination to another level.  Some of us dream of having a nursery one day and even go as far as moving forward with the hopes that a baby will be on board in the near future.  To add to that, I haven't made it a secret, that I've been stocking up on pre-conception baby buys.  I KNOW I'm not alone, as I have bonded with other gals for this very same reason.  It is without doubt that my  imagination has been filled with thoughts of one day having a baby to go with that nursery.

Right now, our "nursery" serves as a junk/storage room.  I will quote one of my fellow TTC bloggers, Liz, from Wishing on a Snowflake.  "Many infertiles have a junk room just like this. It's the room that is the would-be nursery, but ends up being a messy, cluttered, and out-of-control physical representation of their lives. It's a painful reminder of what they don't have, and may never have. It's limbo."  So you can only imagine how this makes me feel everytime I step into The Room. Hopefully that will all change with this new chapter of our lives.  As I had mentioned in a previous post, DH and I were considering hosting a foreign exchange student this coming school year.  Well after discussion, we have decided to move forward with the process and have already passed the first stage... background checks.  We got the word that we have now been accepted into the program and are in the student selection process.  Because we feel that we will be such AWESOME parents one day, we both decided that we would like to host TWO students!  I can't describe how undeniable my maternal instinct is right now.  It's on overdrive!  LOL.  So we talked about it and we are planning on hosting two girls.  I have two nieces that will be around the same age, so I think having female students will be nice.  They will both be high schoolers.

So with that, today will be spent cleaning and getting our house ready. I know that doesn't sound very exciting at face value, but it actually is. Because today marks the start of moving away from the dreadfulness of that room.  Some time ago I wanted to paint The Room, so had to move all the junk that was stored in it into our guest room. Well, after finding out about that failed cycle, I quit mid-paint project and now we literally have a half painted empty junk room (metaphor for my uterus.... perhaps, hahaha) and a junky guest bedroom (my ovaries?  bwahaha). I wasn't  motivated enough to finish or organize either.  But that is changing today.  We now will convert The Room into a study/home gym.  The girls will be sharing the guest bedroom, and we will put two desks, a computer and workout equipment into the newly defined extra room.  That means packing up and storing all of our baby stuff.  It's kind of a bittersweet feeling, but I'm super excited to make the changes.  This is very symbolic, it means I'm ready to move forward and stop obsessing about TTC.  I'm hoping that by hosting the girls this year, it will help soothe some of those maternal cravings.  I can "RELAX" (sarcastically speaking), like so many of the unsolicited advise people say.  Of course this doesn't mean we are going to stop trying, and I don't know if we ever will.  But I AM GOING TO FINISH painting that room and until we do become pregnant, I can put it to good use.

Finally, the pain can slowly subside....

And the Brick Wall Crumbles

Yesterday, I went to visit my sister and during our conversation, IF came up.  She asked me for an update on TTC.  I told her I couldn't really do any thing now that I didn't have any insurance, so we were basically TTC naturally. She asked why insurance was needed and even though I explained this to her a while back (see previous post here.), I proceeded to tell her again. No matter how many people tell you they understand what you're going through, if they can go home and hug their biological children they really don't understand until they've been in your shoes.  I know my sister can't fully understand the complexity of my pain.  She was a teen mother (twice) and had 5 children before she even turned 30.  So no, I don't ever expect her to begin to understand what I am going through.  But all that aside, as a sister (and my one and only sibling at that) I would expect her to support me during this difficult journey.  Again, she pushed the whole adoption thing.  Now I have nothing against adoption and we have even considered it at one time, but to push and keep pushing it... yeah you're going to eventually push me into a deep, dark corner.  And boy did she push hard. She argued that I could adopt and still keep trying.  I told her I would never stop trying.  She asks if I'm going to keep trying until I'm old?  Oh, if only she knew. She even went as far to tell me that she and her husband discussed it when they couldn't get pregnant right away; that she's not as fertile as she used to be.  And by right away, I mean 6 months after having unprotected sex.  Then had the nerve to tell me that if she was in my place she would have started the process by now.  Then had the decency to tell me she understands what I'm going through.  Oh, you are so far from understanding.... so diluted in seeing what's in front of you.  Not even close, haven't even grazed the tip of the iceberg, not even the least bit warm... you are frozen.  I threw out my side of the story, which just broke me down even more.  Needless to say, she put me in a weak and vulnerable place.  I consider myself emotionally strong and I don't like crying, especially in front of people.  But her idiocy stabbed me right in the heart, in the very center of my being and it shattered me to pieces.  I'm thankful my mom was there to "catch me" (metaphorically speaking) because I don't know how I would've walked away from the situation.  On the way out, I was still sobbing.  She walked me to my car and told me she didn't mean to hurt me.  I told her that I believed her but she has no idea what just happened.  She found my weakness, the thing I hide from so many people.  And though sometimes I can push her buttons, she has found the big red button that will shake me to the core. She said she would never use that against me and though I love my sister, I won't let her be responsible for breaking me down like that again.  I've decided that until this journey is over, I have to distance myself.  That doesn't mean not talking to her or avoiding family functions, it just means we can't be as "tight".  She tends to hold grudges and there was a time she didn't speak to me for months.  Now that we were on good terms, I had made an effort to stay on her good side and keep friendly and so we were hanging out more.  That is changing, and I might be saying that because I'm in a horrible place right now, but I can't be around negative people like that...  Even if they are my family.

Breakdown

I was texting a friend earlier this evening about something that went down this weekend that I failed to mention in my last post.  I thought about mentioning it yesterday while typing up my post, but decided against it cause it was sort of embarrassing.  But here I am again and gonna put it out there.  I'm sure someone can relate.

So Saturday night (er, Sunday morning) after we closed down the bar, I was insistent on staying out for a little while longer.  Mind you, I was I was intoxicated.  I asked DH to call a friend who was at the bar with us to see where he was and if we could chill at his place for awhile since he lived close to us.  Turns out another friend had decided to hang out there with him as well and so he invited us to his place.  While we were there, we were just watching TV and talking.  Somehow conversation turned to kids and pregnancy (mind you it's me, DH, and two other guys) and one of my friends mentioned that he "knocked up" a girl, but he hadn't told anyone about it.  We were supposedly the first people he told.  The kid is like 10 years old now, so it happened a while back.  He was telling us that he doesn't get to see his daugher often and then proceeded to show us pics of her.  Already, I was pissed cuz I know this guy tends to sleep around and has commitment issues.  But in my drunken state, I was FURIOUS!  From what I remember (and what hubby tells me I said), I told this guy off and told him he didn't deserve to have a kid.  That some people would give anything to have what comes so easily to him.  Then I start venting about my ovaries and they don't freakin' work and now I can't have what I want most.  Then my other guy friend gets involved (he has two, unplanned kids from a past relationship) and has the nerve to say not all pregnancies are easy.  That being pregant can be hard on some women.  With his 1st child, his then girlfriend had to be on bedrest and the baby was still premature.  He says I should be LUCKY that I don't have to go through what she went through.  EXCUSE ME?!  EXCUSE ME?!  That's when I literally got up in his face, jabbed my finger at his chest and tell him he has NO right to tell me what'd I'd be willing to go through for a baby.  I don't remember much of what I told him, but whatever I said resulted in a shouting/crying fit.  The next thing I remember, DH was walking me out of the door and to the car.  I just remember crying the whole way home (like ugly, sniff, sniff, baby want a bottle, puffy faced crying).  Until I get home and see my birthday prank car surprise.  Which by then, I'm going back and forth between crying and laughing.

So waking up the next day, I completely forget this happened, until DH happens to mention it when helping me recall everything that went on that night.  I was soooooo embarassed.  I haven't even called those friends to apologize for my behavior.  I hardly ever get beligerent when I'm drunk, much less start a crying fit.  I apologized to DH and he said he completely understood where it was coming from.  All that pent up frustration had to come out sometime.  And he said more than likely, they'd be over it quick.  I guess guys are like that.  Anyways, just wanted to share this bit of excitement that went down over the weekend.  Too bad we can't vent to people who frustrate us like this all the time.  LOL.

What Birthday?

My birthday is Saturday and I haven't planned anything.  It's kind of making me feel a little sad.  Why hadn't I planned anything you ask?  Well, I've been so focused on TTC that I really didn't want anything for my birthday (or for Christmas for that matter) because all I really want is one thing.  Last month, hubby and my family asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told them other than getting PG nothing really.  Same for my birthday.  DH started asking me earlier this month what I wanted to do.  I told him I hadn't even thought about it.  I'd been so consumed with TTC that I didn't even want to plan anything.  On top of that, I was being so optimistic that I was convinced I'd be PG by now (hoping that our last cycle had worked) and so it's not like I could go drinking or anything.  Well now that I know that our last cycle was a bust and with my recent layoff, I'm kinda regretting that I didn't plan anything.  I know it's not too late and I can use this week to plan something, but I hate leaving things to the last minute, especially when party planning.  And now that my actual bday falls on a Saturday it makes it even more frustrating.  Saturdays are the best for planning parties.  So now what?

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I mentioned that I'd like to perhaps go to a wine bar for my birthday. She suggested we go check out a couple of local places, since I had never been to one before.  But I wasn't sure if hubby had any plans for dinner for me that night.  We were at my sister's house this past weekend and she kind of let it slip that something was going down on Saturday.  By the look on hubby's face, I put two and two together and figured out that he had planned something for me.  Now, not to discredit DH's ideas and planning, but I 'm kind of nervous about what he has planned, as he's not exactly a "planner".  I haven't asked him much in regards to this weekend cause I assume it was supposed to be a surprise, but I finally caved and told him I wanted to invite some friends out to celebrate my birthday and if I should plan it for a certain time.  He told me after 10 should be fine.  I wrote down a list of friends and their numbers and handed it to him and said "if you've got something planned, these are the people I'm inviting for later on", hoping he'd get the hint.  I hoped if he was inviting friends, he'd only invite my closest since I'm not in the mood for lots of people.  Anyways, I've gotten off track...

So today I went by a potential wine bar and got some info.  Turns out they don't have any reservations for this weekend.  I told hubby I'm thinking about having it there but they had a min $200 food and beverage purchase to reserve.  He asked whose footing the bill?  And maybe he is still trying to play off the whole surprise bday party thing, but I told him that I would since it's my party (and I can cry if I want to).  And now I feel like I shouldn't plan anything after all, but I feel so helpless.  I wish I was PG already so that I don't have to worry about s*** like this anymore :(  It just seems so petty and I wish I wasn't turning another year older.  And now the sadness is kicking in once again.  Dammit.

Med. Cycle #2 A Bust

Today is CD 3, which means our second medicated cycle didn't work.  Bummer.  I'm sad and disappointed, but surprisingly not as upset as I thought I'd be.  Maybe it's still too early to have sunken in. I don't know.  Last night I told DH, "F*** it, let's go for margaritas".  I had been really good this past cycle and hadn't had anything since starting the meds (so basically since New Years).  And tonight we are going for drinks again at my favorite Cajun restaurant (I've been craving crawfish).  I'm disappointed that this cycle didn't work.  I felt good about this cycle, like this would be the one.  I was staying positive and optimistic.  But alas, destiny had other plans.  What can I do but just accept it.  I think that's why I'm so ho hum about it.  AF showed on what would have been CD 27, so maybe it's a sign that my girly parts are now starting to get the hang of things.  I asked hubby, what his thoughts are going into the next cycle:  Did he want to do meds?  Did he want to try winging it?  He basically said it was up to me since it's my body (I explained it's his body too and his decision as well, but he wants what's best for me... such a caring hubby :))  My decision... Going back to square one.  For me, that basically means TTC a la natural.  It's a good thing I bought all those OPKs.  I'm definately gonna be needing them.  I also have to mention that I have a stash of HPTs as well.  Up until yesterday, I was convinced that AF was implantation bleeding.  How crazy is that?!  I was like a madwoman Wednesday, desperately researching signs and symptoms of implantation.  I was squeezing my fingers and toes crossed, hoping that the spotting wouldn't last past the 3rd day.  AF has been really light, even for today CD 3.  Usually I'd be at a medium flow by now.  But it's been fluctuating between spotting and and light flow off and on for the past 3 days.  I guess that's why I have been torturing myself with thinking it's the implantation.  But I can't find anything that says that implantation bleeding lasts past 2 days.  So I have to accept that AF has reared her ugly head.  And now the cramps have been starting.  Yeah, definately a visit from the red-headed beeyotch.  LOL.  So on to the next cycle.

I have set a daily alarm for 6:30 am.  I'm going to be adament about taking my temps at the same time each day.  My charts have recently been zig-zaggy, and I think alot has to do with my waking times.  I don't have a steady schedule so some days I sleep in and others I have to wake up early to go to work.  So it kinda makes my charts look wonky (plus the meds aren't helping either).  So now that I'm off the meds and I'll be temping at the same time each morning, I'm hoping my chart will look better.  But funny that today I had a temp spike.  I'm continuing my regular meds as prescribed by my doc.  That includes levoxyl every morning, metformin every other day, and dostinex once a week.  If I ovulate this cycle, I will also take the progesterone two days after O, because I feel like that's helping to regulate my cycle.  I am going to try and monitor my CM everyday (I say try because I keep forgetting to check it in past cycles) and will more than likely start using OPKs starting on CD 7 since FF seems to think that's when my predicted O days are.  And then we will have to plan TI accordingly.  So timing and scheduling will still be very important this cycle.  That won't be going away anytime soon, that's for sure. 

So that's the plan going into this next cycle.  Plus, I need to get back into my weigh loss routine.  I've been sooooooooo lazy about it.  Plus with my plantar fascitis and heel spur, I don't really feel like going to the gym.  I haven't gone in over a month.  It's killing me just thinking about it.  I'm just wasting my money.  Plus I'm paying for personal training and I haven't gone back to that either.  Gosh, it makes me feel so overwhelmed.  But I have noticed I have lost some weight.  Maybe it's because DH and I aren't going out to eat as much.

In other news, I'm finding out more and more people are getting PG.  It seems to come in waves.  This is a really big wave.  A tidal wave at that.  Just found out my cousin is PG with her first.  She's the baby of my generation on my dad's side.  I'm really happy for her.  She's 28 and been with her guy for like 13 or 14 years.  That's as much as I know.  Plus two of my very close friends are PG.  One with her first, and I'm very happy for them too.  I know of a few other ladies as well.  Then on top of that, celebrities my age are getting KU and then it's all over the tabloids in your face.  It gets to me sometimes.  I'm not a religious person so it's hard to stay optimistic sometimes.  It's times like these I wish I could see the future... just to see our children.  I think if I could get a glimpse into the future and see our family "complete" it would give me a renewed sense of hope.  If these were our biological children, I would know eventually we would have a successful cycle and it would keep me that much more motivated.  If they were adopted, I'd be just as happy but then I'd want to start the adoption process already.  Like, why waste my time on TTC?  We watched a movie this week called 127 Hours (based on a true story) about a canyonierre (sp?) who falls into a canyon and gets stuck after a rock gets lodged and pins his hand to the side of the canyon.  In the end, he ends up cutting off his own arm to save his life after being trapped for 127 hours (5ish days).  He has a vision/dilusion during one of his last days trapped of a little boy, his future child, who helps him to stay alive and not give up hope.  At the end of the movie during the credits we find out that he marries and they end up having a son.  Good movie.  I definately recommend.  Now I know I am not in a life or death situation like Aron (the character in the movie), and I know the human psyche will do wonders when put in unfortunate situations like his.  But a part of me, after 2+ years of TTC, wishes for an epiphany of some sort.  Just to know I'm on the right path.  Is that too much to ask?  Maybe it is.  But again these are just the ramblings of a woman living with IF.

CD 21 & Hubby Love

Well it seems as if the trigger is finally coming out of my system... I did an OPK yesterday and today and they were both negative. I've been doing pretty good lately, although these past two days I've been dealing with allergies and loose stools (TMI, sorry). I'm not reading too much into that, however. I've also been surprisingly calm these last few days, like no worries. What a nice change of pace. :) I woke up from a late nap a few hours ago, and I feel a little feverish, though my temp is normal. I hope I'm not coming down with anything. I made a promise to myself not to consume any alcohol while in this 2WW (if I can even call it that, since my chart still has no spike), but funny how I've been craving coffee recently. I've had it pretty much every day this week. I told hubby how ironic that I've sworn off alcohol, yet I'm still drinking coffee. I'm going to try and stop that too. (But this cold weather makes me want to enjoy a nice hot cup.) I haven't had any today, YAY! I am excited that next week I will be able to test. I am counting down the days.

In other news, DH has been seriously stressing about our future. I have to admit, we have had to deal with alot on our plate recently. But it's weird because it's usually me that's stressed out and here I am trying to reassure hubby that all is going to be okay. He started his spring semester in school this week and he's taking three classes plus working full time. Also, I still haven't found steady work. I mean, I've picked up two extra days of PT work, but we are still trying to recover, financially, from my recent lay-off. And now, we just found out that our house needs a little work on it too. Plus on top of everything we are dealing with IF. After his first two days of class, he came home pretty overwhelmed with all the expectations of his courses. I told him that now that I have more time on my hands I can help him out. After all, I've been in school pretty much most of my life, so I know what and what not to do. I don't like seeing him stressed like this, especially when I'm trying to be positive and optimistic about this cycle. But I think with the pressure of perhaps bringing a baby into the picture he feels very overwhelmed. I understand it's a lot to deal with at one time, but like I explained to hubby, we just need to take one thing at a time. I used a metaphor with him last night when trying to explain things. I said...

It's like putting mayo in your sandwich... If you scoop a spoonful of mayo and plop it on a slice of bread, you're not expected to eat it like that. Yes, of course it seems like alot... but that's if your planning on biting into it like that. And who would do that, certainly not you and me. You have to spread it out the bread slice. Right? That way what seemed like alot at first is now spread out evenly in each bite. I told him that's how we have to approach our issues right now. Yes, we've had a lot to deal with in these past few weeks, but you'd be insane to try and tackle it all at once. You need to deal with these things slowly and with care, making sure to spread it out over time. Yes, I'm not making nearly as much money as I was with my FT job, but I'm still working... I'm still bringing in money. I've got three jobs. I work 3 days a week and I just found out I may be picking up another job (more about that later). Yes, your classes may seem hard at first, but remember, you have your weekends free to study. Plus I will help you out. I'm a pro at these classes. They are what I live through everyday (he's taking Human Anatomy & Physiology and Medical Terminology), I can help you with studying. I can make it seem less difficult. Work, unfortunately can't change. Yes, they are stressing you out over there. But you are only human, you can't be expected to do EVERYTHING. I know you usually try to and that's what makes you such a good, hard working man. But remember, you are not dedicated to this place and you may be soon leaving in a few months if our plans stay on track. Just grin and bear it. Sometimes that's all you can do. The house needs a little work, yes, but we can tackle that gradually. It doesn't all need to be fixed in one day. Slow and steady wins the race. And finally IF... who knows if this cycle will be successful. Yes, this is the farthest we've come and yes, there is chance this may finally be the start of a new chapter. But again it's one day at a time. Babies early on don't require alot of spending. Thank goodness we've decided to cloth diaper and we've already purchased a bassinett. I'm an avid supporter of breastfeeding for the first year, and hopefully I won't have any problems with it. That also will save us money. We both have very supportive families and if it ever comes down to it, I'm sure they can lend a helping hand if need be. I somehow have this feeling that things will turn out okay. I think that's why I've been so calm lately. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones, who knows! (Wishful thinking) But we are here and surviving just fine. Carpe diem. Tomorrow will bring different opportunities, so you just have to take it one day at a time. Times like this will only strengthen our bond and bring us closer together. I love you forever and always.

My Reproductive Story

I started reading "Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility" by Janet Jaffe, Martha Diamond, and David Diamond, all PhD's. I've been wanting to read a book that talks about how to deal with IF and this book came recommended via one of the gals on thebump.com forum.  So far it has my interest.

I just got done reading Part I and it talks of your reproductive story. We start writing one when we're very young--playing house, wanting to be like/not be like mommy/daddy, and it continues throughout life. While dealing with infertility, it is helpful to write your personal reproductive story.  So here is mine... in the making...

I've had maternal instincts ever since I could remember.  Playing house, playing school, playing barbies and even catching bugs in an empty mayonnaise jar so I could have something to take care of are some things I can remember doing as a child.  Being 2 years older than my sister, I always took charge and became "mom" or "teacher" during our playtimes.  My sister usually got stuck with being big brother/sister or teacher's aide.  And our menagerie of stuffed animals or dolls would be my children or students.  I always felt in charge and nurturing.  My dreams of growing up usually played out during playtime with our Barbie dolls.  I would go to high school, graduate, go to college, graduate, meet a boy, marry the boy, have lots of children and live happily every after.  It all sounded so simple, after all that's basically how my parents' story played out (minus the college).  As I grew older, I started planning timelines for these milestones in my life.  Yes, I'm a planner always have been and always will be.  I like to organize things and get pleasure from checking things off.  So around the end of middle school, beginning of high school when puberty was starting to settle in nicely, I was kind of eager to start planning my future.  AF first visited when I was 13, and I remember thinking I was officially a woman now.   Though part of me longed to play with my Barbies, I knew this meant that I would start growing up whether I liked it or not.  Out went the Barbies, in came pads and bras.  So on to my future plans... I decided that since I wouldn't be graduating college till I was in my 20s, I'd probably be meeting Mr. Right by 21.  Then we'd be engaged for about 2 years and I'd become Mrs. Right by 23.  We'd live as a couple for a few years, travel, buy a home, raise a dog and I'd be pregnant by 25.  Now, I've always been fond of children and because both my parents come from large families, I saw the love and excitement lots of kids can bring so in my mind 5 children was what I wanted.  And they'd each be about two years apart (I think having my sis 2 years younger than me provided the perfect balance of friendship and individuality), so that I'd have my last baby before I was 35.  Sounded so perfect.

My mom started sharing her reproductive story with me when I had come into my pre-teen years.  I always knew I was her "miracle" baby but didn't start getting details till then.  Growing up, I had always had older parents than those of my peers.  And it used to bother me.  I remember lying about my parents ages to friends.  Being in elementary, who wanted a parent in their forties?  My parents had a good 10 years on my friends' parents and it was quite embarassing for me.  It took my parents 9 years to finally conceive me so this is was reason for the age gap.  As I got older, the idea of older parents kind of grew on me and I became more accepting.  I think by maturing and being able to explain about their fertility issues, I found their story endearing.  So briefly here's how their story went...

My mom met my dad when she was 24 through her brother in law who was my dad's best friend at the time.  My dad was a little under 7 years my mom's senior.  They dated for a few months.  My dad popped the question and they had a big wedding.  They went a few years "trying but not really trying" to conceive, meaning they weren't using protection, yet they weren't planning it.  And those first few years passed nonchalantly, as they were having fun just being married.  Then slowly the pressure of having kids and wanting to have kids crept up on them.  Just a couple years short of a decade of being married w/o kids and my mom finds out she has endometriosis that prevents her from conceiving.  She had a couple of procedures done, doc suggests she takes a couple months off to recover and BAM she's pregnant.  Pregnant with her first, pregnant with lil ol ME :)  Slight problems during my birth with not being able to dilate, but nothing that a good ol C-section can't help.  And so I'm born.  Doc again says recover from surgery give your belly a year to gain strength and then you can try again for another.  BAM!  2 years and a little over one month later my sister was born again via C-section.  Two kids are enough for two working parents and my folks close that chapter in their book.  My mom was 36 my dad just shy of 43.

So back to my story...
Yes, I planned to have 5 kids even had a few names picked out and the order I would have them Boy, Girl, Girl, Boy, Boy.  Gavino, Priscilla, Xuleyca, Xavier, Adrian.  Yes, these are the names I had acquired throughout the years (and some of these have changed).  By the time I was 16/17, I had been off and on BCP to help regulate my cycle.  I went off them for a few years while I was at college (CHECK... lol), then still having problems with my cycles went back on them at 22 and stayed on them till I was 30.  It's funny how you usually think "if you're in control of when not to get pregnant, you can be in control of getting pregnant" (Pages 36-37). Yeah, I never got to be in control of actually wanting to get pregnant, but I'll get to that in a minute.  Didn't meet Mr. Right at 21 like I had planned.  Nope, met him at the ripe old age of 28, lol.  But they were right when they said "good things come to those who wait".  But man, did it take a lot of heartache, tears, and journey to find myself, before I found him.  But I did (CHECK), and we got married two years later (CHECK).  I was 30, he was 34.  Originally we planned to take our time on having kids and though we "tried but not really" for the 1st year, I found myself concerned about what was going on in my body.  For one, I had regular periods for 8 years prior to stopping BCP the month we got married.  And two I was concerned that if I didn't have periods, maybe I had something wrong with me.  Could it be endometriosis like my mom and if so, what could I do before it went on too long?  I scheduled a preconception appt with my doc a year after "not trying".  She did a full work up, said everything was good (no I didn't have endrometriosis), told me to lose some weight, told me to monitor my temps, and gave me a prescription for progesterone cream.  I was relieved that it was nothing serious, just lose a little weight and I'd be good to go.  6 months later and still no BFP :(  I was heartbroken and starting to get down on myself.  I went to seek out another doctor who deals with infertility issues.  Again, I have my labs drawn and basically sent home with a few prescriptions for thyroid meds.  Again they tell me lose a few pounds and you could get KU in about three months!  This is great!  I go on a health kick eat better, take my meds (I'm slightly hypothyroid).  Three  months, nothing.  Four months, nothing.

I am now experiencing what the book refers to as "Reproductive Trauma." Wow, talk about getting your feelings validated and explained! From pages five and six: "What makes the experience of infertility a trauma? The diagnosis of infertility, and the medical interventions often needed to treat it, represent a threat to our physical integrity, our sense of being healthy and whole. One of the most fundamental aspects of our physical selves is our reproductive capability. When that does not function properly, we doubt everything else. Infertility is a trauma because it attacks both the physical and emotional sense of self, it presents us with multiple, complicated losses, it affects or most important relationships, and it shifts our sense of belonging in the world. When you are diagnosed with infertility, the world as you previously knew it crumbles...The trauma of infertility is such that what you had taken for granted and expected is lost."   Five months, nothing and depression is slowly sinking in.  I've stopped eating healthy.  I don't want to work out.  I'm crying for no reason and our relationship isn't the same.  It's me, I know it, but I'm stuck in a hole and I can't get out.  Month six comes up, no BFP and I go in for my scheduled well-woman exam.  I tell the nurse that I'm having these issues and that I'm upset because I can't get pregnant.  It's been two years.  She schedules me a consult with the fertility specialist.  They rerun labs they put me on hormone medications and a schedule of pills, treatment, and intercourse.  I'm now diagnosed with PCOS related infertility.  I feel like I'm not myself.  I'm not me.  I'm a patient, an infertility case.  My body is no longer in my control.  I can't have a baby like a normal person, I need to be doped up with meds and shot up with hormones hoping that my brain and my body will think this is normal and respond like it should.  My mind wanders to stories from Biblical times about women being shunned for not being able to bear children to old Jewish law where a man can divorce a woman because she can't have children to Henry VIII's issues with wives not producing heirs.  In our society, still to this day, having children is such an expected part of being a woman that it is hard for me to deal with at times.

I will be 33 in a couple of months and my plan had definately fallen off track.  My hope for 5 children has disappeared, but I still want at least 2.  Advanced Maternal Age (AMA) risks start at 35.  I have 2 years.  But though this last treatment didn't work, I still have hope that I will get pregnant.  My plans for designing the nursery are still going on, I'm still making baby buys, and I'm still reading info on pregnancy.  My optimism is what keeps me going, but I have to admit it is a struggle.  So there's my reproductive story, well, at least the stuff I've sorted out thus far. The book says that such a story is "a work in progress."  We are going on our 3rd year of TTC and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that 2013 will be our year!