It's Official

Well, it's official. Today is CD 37 and AF still has not shown.  I took a third HPT test this morning, and drumroll...

 

I'm NOT pregnant.  :(

 

I guess that means my body back to square one. So much for my hopes and dreams this year to finally have a baby. As much as I didn't want to get my hopes up, I did. Especially with everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies, I figured there was something going around, something in the water.  But apparently not. Maybe it's the $6000 water filtration we installed 2 years ago in our home.  Maybe it's filtering out all the pregnancy hormones.  Lol.  I only wish.

 

So my good friend had her baby on Tuesday. I can't wait to meet her little man.  My BFF.s baby bump is coming along nicely.  Pregnancy suits her well.  As much as it pains me to say this, this will not be our year.  And perhaps not even within the next two years.  And as much as it hurts me to see negative test after test, I think I've finally come to a conclusion.  Hubby and I were discussing it, and it seems IVF is our only option for now.  What does that mean? Well it means we have to save up, wait until DH is done with school and working a steady job.  Even if we have to get a loan, as I've seen many other TTCs do, we won't be financially stable until we see what our future brings.  DH's program will be two years.  So until then, I decided to hold off on any plans for a baby. Believe me, it hurts so much to have to say that. And right now it's the only thing we can do.  It's a decision I had to make to keep my sanity.  Of course we won't stop "trying", we'll never stop trying.  But now that the nursery has been converted and all the baby stuff has been put in storage, it will be a little bit easier.... hopefully.  I have decided to be the best and I can be, the best friend I can be, the best aunt, daughter and sister I can be, and of course the best wife I can be.  Just can't see motherhood in my near future, and so I have to accept that fact.  Though this is a hard pill to swallow, I need to look at it as a blessing in disguise.  DH and I have always wanted to travel, maybe this means we were meant for a life of traveling and experiencing new and different cultures.

 

So unless by some miracle of conception, this blog will be on hold for a while.  Perhaps I will still update if I decide to test again a year from now... Or if AF is unusually late (which doesn't exist).  Maybe I will change the title of this blog and use it to document our experience with being host parents for international students.  That will be the closest thing to motherhood I will get to experience.

 

So here's to hoping that life treats you kindly, and that you are blessed with wonderful children. I must go on my way... signing off....

The Room

As infertiles, thoughts of babies can sometimes consume us.  I have been one of the more hopeful ones that has taken my imagination to another level.  Some of us dream of having a nursery one day and even go as far as moving forward with the hopes that a baby will be on board in the near future.  To add to that, I haven't made it a secret, that I've been stocking up on pre-conception baby buys.  I KNOW I'm not alone, as I have bonded with other gals for this very same reason.  It is without doubt that my  imagination has been filled with thoughts of one day having a baby to go with that nursery.

Right now, our "nursery" serves as a junk/storage room.  I will quote one of my fellow TTC bloggers, Liz, from Wishing on a Snowflake.  "Many infertiles have a junk room just like this. It's the room that is the would-be nursery, but ends up being a messy, cluttered, and out-of-control physical representation of their lives. It's a painful reminder of what they don't have, and may never have. It's limbo."  So you can only imagine how this makes me feel everytime I step into The Room. Hopefully that will all change with this new chapter of our lives.  As I had mentioned in a previous post, DH and I were considering hosting a foreign exchange student this coming school year.  Well after discussion, we have decided to move forward with the process and have already passed the first stage... background checks.  We got the word that we have now been accepted into the program and are in the student selection process.  Because we feel that we will be such AWESOME parents one day, we both decided that we would like to host TWO students!  I can't describe how undeniable my maternal instinct is right now.  It's on overdrive!  LOL.  So we talked about it and we are planning on hosting two girls.  I have two nieces that will be around the same age, so I think having female students will be nice.  They will both be high schoolers.

So with that, today will be spent cleaning and getting our house ready. I know that doesn't sound very exciting at face value, but it actually is. Because today marks the start of moving away from the dreadfulness of that room.  Some time ago I wanted to paint The Room, so had to move all the junk that was stored in it into our guest room. Well, after finding out about that failed cycle, I quit mid-paint project and now we literally have a half painted empty junk room (metaphor for my uterus.... perhaps, hahaha) and a junky guest bedroom (my ovaries?  bwahaha). I wasn't  motivated enough to finish or organize either.  But that is changing today.  We now will convert The Room into a study/home gym.  The girls will be sharing the guest bedroom, and we will put two desks, a computer and workout equipment into the newly defined extra room.  That means packing up and storing all of our baby stuff.  It's kind of a bittersweet feeling, but I'm super excited to make the changes.  This is very symbolic, it means I'm ready to move forward and stop obsessing about TTC.  I'm hoping that by hosting the girls this year, it will help soothe some of those maternal cravings.  I can "RELAX" (sarcastically speaking), like so many of the unsolicited advise people say.  Of course this doesn't mean we are going to stop trying, and I don't know if we ever will.  But I AM GOING TO FINISH painting that room and until we do become pregnant, I can put it to good use.

Finally, the pain can slowly subside....

And the Brick Wall Crumbles

Yesterday, I went to visit my sister and during our conversation, IF came up.  She asked me for an update on TTC.  I told her I couldn't really do any thing now that I didn't have any insurance, so we were basically TTC naturally. She asked why insurance was needed and even though I explained this to her a while back (see previous post here.), I proceeded to tell her again. No matter how many people tell you they understand what you're going through, if they can go home and hug their biological children they really don't understand until they've been in your shoes.  I know my sister can't fully understand the complexity of my pain.  She was a teen mother (twice) and had 5 children before she even turned 30.  So no, I don't ever expect her to begin to understand what I am going through.  But all that aside, as a sister (and my one and only sibling at that) I would expect her to support me during this difficult journey.  Again, she pushed the whole adoption thing.  Now I have nothing against adoption and we have even considered it at one time, but to push and keep pushing it... yeah you're going to eventually push me into a deep, dark corner.  And boy did she push hard. She argued that I could adopt and still keep trying.  I told her I would never stop trying.  She asks if I'm going to keep trying until I'm old?  Oh, if only she knew. She even went as far to tell me that she and her husband discussed it when they couldn't get pregnant right away; that she's not as fertile as she used to be.  And by right away, I mean 6 months after having unprotected sex.  Then had the nerve to tell me that if she was in my place she would have started the process by now.  Then had the decency to tell me she understands what I'm going through.  Oh, you are so far from understanding.... so diluted in seeing what's in front of you.  Not even close, haven't even grazed the tip of the iceberg, not even the least bit warm... you are frozen.  I threw out my side of the story, which just broke me down even more.  Needless to say, she put me in a weak and vulnerable place.  I consider myself emotionally strong and I don't like crying, especially in front of people.  But her idiocy stabbed me right in the heart, in the very center of my being and it shattered me to pieces.  I'm thankful my mom was there to "catch me" (metaphorically speaking) because I don't know how I would've walked away from the situation.  On the way out, I was still sobbing.  She walked me to my car and told me she didn't mean to hurt me.  I told her that I believed her but she has no idea what just happened.  She found my weakness, the thing I hide from so many people.  And though sometimes I can push her buttons, she has found the big red button that will shake me to the core. She said she would never use that against me and though I love my sister, I won't let her be responsible for breaking me down like that again.  I've decided that until this journey is over, I have to distance myself.  That doesn't mean not talking to her or avoiding family functions, it just means we can't be as "tight".  She tends to hold grudges and there was a time she didn't speak to me for months.  Now that we were on good terms, I had made an effort to stay on her good side and keep friendly and so we were hanging out more.  That is changing, and I might be saying that because I'm in a horrible place right now, but I can't be around negative people like that...  Even if they are my family.

Breakdown

I was texting a friend earlier this evening about something that went down this weekend that I failed to mention in my last post.  I thought about mentioning it yesterday while typing up my post, but decided against it cause it was sort of embarrassing.  But here I am again and gonna put it out there.  I'm sure someone can relate.

So Saturday night (er, Sunday morning) after we closed down the bar, I was insistent on staying out for a little while longer.  Mind you, I was I was intoxicated.  I asked DH to call a friend who was at the bar with us to see where he was and if we could chill at his place for awhile since he lived close to us.  Turns out another friend had decided to hang out there with him as well and so he invited us to his place.  While we were there, we were just watching TV and talking.  Somehow conversation turned to kids and pregnancy (mind you it's me, DH, and two other guys) and one of my friends mentioned that he "knocked up" a girl, but he hadn't told anyone about it.  We were supposedly the first people he told.  The kid is like 10 years old now, so it happened a while back.  He was telling us that he doesn't get to see his daugher often and then proceeded to show us pics of her.  Already, I was pissed cuz I know this guy tends to sleep around and has commitment issues.  But in my drunken state, I was FURIOUS!  From what I remember (and what hubby tells me I said), I told this guy off and told him he didn't deserve to have a kid.  That some people would give anything to have what comes so easily to him.  Then I start venting about my ovaries and they don't freakin' work and now I can't have what I want most.  Then my other guy friend gets involved (he has two, unplanned kids from a past relationship) and has the nerve to say not all pregnancies are easy.  That being pregant can be hard on some women.  With his 1st child, his then girlfriend had to be on bedrest and the baby was still premature.  He says I should be LUCKY that I don't have to go through what she went through.  EXCUSE ME?!  EXCUSE ME?!  That's when I literally got up in his face, jabbed my finger at his chest and tell him he has NO right to tell me what'd I'd be willing to go through for a baby.  I don't remember much of what I told him, but whatever I said resulted in a shouting/crying fit.  The next thing I remember, DH was walking me out of the door and to the car.  I just remember crying the whole way home (like ugly, sniff, sniff, baby want a bottle, puffy faced crying).  Until I get home and see my birthday prank car surprise.  Which by then, I'm going back and forth between crying and laughing.

So waking up the next day, I completely forget this happened, until DH happens to mention it when helping me recall everything that went on that night.  I was soooooo embarassed.  I haven't even called those friends to apologize for my behavior.  I hardly ever get beligerent when I'm drunk, much less start a crying fit.  I apologized to DH and he said he completely understood where it was coming from.  All that pent up frustration had to come out sometime.  And he said more than likely, they'd be over it quick.  I guess guys are like that.  Anyways, just wanted to share this bit of excitement that went down over the weekend.  Too bad we can't vent to people who frustrate us like this all the time.  LOL.

Can't Un-WINE-d!

Grrrr..... I'm so frustrated!  Tonight kicks off my birthday weekend and I can't uncork a friggin' wine bottle!  I f-ed up when trying to open it with one type of corkscrew.  Then tried the manual corkscrew and bent it, which just mutilated the cork in the process.  Now I've been stabbing at the cork stump with a knife for the past 10 minutes!  Hubby just walked in the door in the midst of a wine bottle butchering. I just want a drink....  He says he can get it open but there will probably be cork fragments in the wine.  F*** it, I just wanted a glass, now I just want to get drunk.  I think there's more behind this frustration than meets the eye.

FAIL
End vent.

Med. Cycle #2 A Bust

Today is CD 3, which means our second medicated cycle didn't work.  Bummer.  I'm sad and disappointed, but surprisingly not as upset as I thought I'd be.  Maybe it's still too early to have sunken in. I don't know.  Last night I told DH, "F*** it, let's go for margaritas".  I had been really good this past cycle and hadn't had anything since starting the meds (so basically since New Years).  And tonight we are going for drinks again at my favorite Cajun restaurant (I've been craving crawfish).  I'm disappointed that this cycle didn't work.  I felt good about this cycle, like this would be the one.  I was staying positive and optimistic.  But alas, destiny had other plans.  What can I do but just accept it.  I think that's why I'm so ho hum about it.  AF showed on what would have been CD 27, so maybe it's a sign that my girly parts are now starting to get the hang of things.  I asked hubby, what his thoughts are going into the next cycle:  Did he want to do meds?  Did he want to try winging it?  He basically said it was up to me since it's my body (I explained it's his body too and his decision as well, but he wants what's best for me... such a caring hubby :))  My decision... Going back to square one.  For me, that basically means TTC a la natural.  It's a good thing I bought all those OPKs.  I'm definately gonna be needing them.  I also have to mention that I have a stash of HPTs as well.  Up until yesterday, I was convinced that AF was implantation bleeding.  How crazy is that?!  I was like a madwoman Wednesday, desperately researching signs and symptoms of implantation.  I was squeezing my fingers and toes crossed, hoping that the spotting wouldn't last past the 3rd day.  AF has been really light, even for today CD 3.  Usually I'd be at a medium flow by now.  But it's been fluctuating between spotting and and light flow off and on for the past 3 days.  I guess that's why I have been torturing myself with thinking it's the implantation.  But I can't find anything that says that implantation bleeding lasts past 2 days.  So I have to accept that AF has reared her ugly head.  And now the cramps have been starting.  Yeah, definately a visit from the red-headed beeyotch.  LOL.  So on to the next cycle.

I have set a daily alarm for 6:30 am.  I'm going to be adament about taking my temps at the same time each day.  My charts have recently been zig-zaggy, and I think alot has to do with my waking times.  I don't have a steady schedule so some days I sleep in and others I have to wake up early to go to work.  So it kinda makes my charts look wonky (plus the meds aren't helping either).  So now that I'm off the meds and I'll be temping at the same time each morning, I'm hoping my chart will look better.  But funny that today I had a temp spike.  I'm continuing my regular meds as prescribed by my doc.  That includes levoxyl every morning, metformin every other day, and dostinex once a week.  If I ovulate this cycle, I will also take the progesterone two days after O, because I feel like that's helping to regulate my cycle.  I am going to try and monitor my CM everyday (I say try because I keep forgetting to check it in past cycles) and will more than likely start using OPKs starting on CD 7 since FF seems to think that's when my predicted O days are.  And then we will have to plan TI accordingly.  So timing and scheduling will still be very important this cycle.  That won't be going away anytime soon, that's for sure. 

So that's the plan going into this next cycle.  Plus, I need to get back into my weigh loss routine.  I've been sooooooooo lazy about it.  Plus with my plantar fascitis and heel spur, I don't really feel like going to the gym.  I haven't gone in over a month.  It's killing me just thinking about it.  I'm just wasting my money.  Plus I'm paying for personal training and I haven't gone back to that either.  Gosh, it makes me feel so overwhelmed.  But I have noticed I have lost some weight.  Maybe it's because DH and I aren't going out to eat as much.

In other news, I'm finding out more and more people are getting PG.  It seems to come in waves.  This is a really big wave.  A tidal wave at that.  Just found out my cousin is PG with her first.  She's the baby of my generation on my dad's side.  I'm really happy for her.  She's 28 and been with her guy for like 13 or 14 years.  That's as much as I know.  Plus two of my very close friends are PG.  One with her first, and I'm very happy for them too.  I know of a few other ladies as well.  Then on top of that, celebrities my age are getting KU and then it's all over the tabloids in your face.  It gets to me sometimes.  I'm not a religious person so it's hard to stay optimistic sometimes.  It's times like these I wish I could see the future... just to see our children.  I think if I could get a glimpse into the future and see our family "complete" it would give me a renewed sense of hope.  If these were our biological children, I would know eventually we would have a successful cycle and it would keep me that much more motivated.  If they were adopted, I'd be just as happy but then I'd want to start the adoption process already.  Like, why waste my time on TTC?  We watched a movie this week called 127 Hours (based on a true story) about a canyonierre (sp?) who falls into a canyon and gets stuck after a rock gets lodged and pins his hand to the side of the canyon.  In the end, he ends up cutting off his own arm to save his life after being trapped for 127 hours (5ish days).  He has a vision/dilusion during one of his last days trapped of a little boy, his future child, who helps him to stay alive and not give up hope.  At the end of the movie during the credits we find out that he marries and they end up having a son.  Good movie.  I definately recommend.  Now I know I am not in a life or death situation like Aron (the character in the movie), and I know the human psyche will do wonders when put in unfortunate situations like his.  But a part of me, after 2+ years of TTC, wishes for an epiphany of some sort.  Just to know I'm on the right path.  Is that too much to ask?  Maybe it is.  But again these are just the ramblings of a woman living with IF.

Clomid Cycle #1 Fail :(

So I had my hopes up that this cycle would work.  I know it's just our first medicated cycle, but I was really optimistic that this would be the one.   Sadly I was mistaken...

I went in for my follicle search yesterday, highly anticipating good news.  The US was very uncomfortable and she had the probe shoved in pretty deep.  I don't know much about what I was seeing, but I do know she was measuring something.  I could see numbers like 28mm and 32 mm which I got really excited about.  From what I've been reading online, mature follicles are over 24 mm big.  I asked the tech whether she could tell if I ovulated or not since I had a "positive" OPK on CD 10, but she told me she couldn't tell me and that I would have to talk to the nurse.  The procedure was done in about 10 minutes and she had me wait for Trudy.

When Trudy brought me into her office, she told me that the search found no mature follicles.  I knew what this meant and immediately felt crushed.  I was alone, so I couldn't let myself fall apart.  Basically, the US had found no dominant follicle, meaning I wouldn't be ovulating this cycle.  Therefore we had to cancel the trigger.  She proceeded to tell me that we would try another cycle this time increasing my dosage on the Serophene (clomid) to one and a half tablets for five days; again starting on CD3.  Then we would do another follicle search again on CD14, and hopefully be able to trigger.  She told me that if the second cycle didn't work, she would schedule me a lap (laproscopy).  This is a day surgery in which the doctor would go in and zap the "cysts" from my ovaries, thereby enabling them to work a little better.  Then we would try another medicated cycle, hoping the surgery fixed the problem.  Again, small steps at a time, but unfortunately more money out of our pockets since my insurance doesn't cover fertility treatments.  She also asked me if the hubby and I had talked about IVF.  I was a little shocked she brought this up considering it was only my 1st clomid cycle, but considering how agressive we are being with the IF treatments, I shouldn't have been surprised.  I told her we discussed it very briefly but hadn't made any decisions.  She gave me a heads up on the costs.... approximately $12,000 all said and done for ONE treatment!  And there's NO guarantee it would work.  I didn't say much after that and told her we were gonna keep trying with the meds until I can't do anymore.  Clomid works best when used within the first 6 cycles and after that the success rate declines.  But she said we could try up to 9 cycles if we wanted to choose that route.  I told her we'd take one cycle at a time and she agreed that was the best decision, but wanted to give all options.  She asked how I was doing and if all was okay.  I kinda just shrugged my shoulders and told her it's been hard, but what could I do.  I left after exchanging wishes for a happy holiday season with her and she said she'd see me next year.

Walking to my car, I had this huge lump in my throat and I was rushing to get into my car so that I could let it out.  When I got in, I called JC and told him everything that happened and burst into tears.  He too was disappointed, but tried to be strong for me.  He told me to just keep doing what I've been doing to lose weight and hopefully in a month I would lose a few more pounds that will help with IF.  I know, I know.  But it's just so hard to get up and dust yourself off.  I really didn't want to go to the gym after that, but I forced myself and did the most cardio I've done thus far.  An hour and a half (usually I just do an hour). 

We still stuck to our TI scheudle and BD last night, though it was kind of bittersweet.  We have one more day of TI tomorrow and that will be the end for this cycle (planned BD that is, lol).  I'm supposed to start taking the prometrium tomorrow through day 32/34 and stop if BFN.  Till then, all I can do is hope for two lines on my OPK even though Trudy said there wasn't really any chance I'd O this cycle.  Still hoping though.

So until then, we wait for AF so that we can start over.

IF sux, in case I haven't stated the obvious.