Trouble in CAR-idise BEDA#5

Sorry for skipping a couple of days, but as you can see from the title of today's blog, hubby and I have been experiencing some car issues. 

BEDA #4

I'm at work this morning, 5 minutes late but who's counting.  I kind of wish I'd taken the day off.  There's really nothing for me to do here today.  I'm contracted to do a particular type of testing and they schedule me to be here at the hospital every Monday.  Well today I'm here and though there are patients that need testing, there is no doctor here to sign off on the tests.  Therefore, I can't test today.  So I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs.  This is getting really old.  I mean sure some people would say "I'd love to get paid to sit around and do nothing", and I do enjoy it.... to an extent.  But I'm that type of person who needs to stay busy and feel like I've earned my pay.  I kind of feel like when I'm here and not testing, everyone in my department notices.  But it's out of my hands, it's up to the hospital to hire more doctors in my specialty.  Plus the days drag on and on when I'm not testing.  I haven't even been here an hour and I'm bored out of my mind... and I've got 7 more hours of this bullsh*t left today.

On days that I'm not testing, I try to take advantage of learning new skills, so I try and shadow other techs to learn about other testing.  Most of the techs here in this department are pretty cool and willing to help train you.  Plus there are students that come in a couple times a week from the local college, so the techs are used to it.  Today the students are here and I understand they have 1st priority.  However there is one tech here without a student and when I ask if I can work with her today, she gives every excuse under the sun to keep me away.  I understand "No" the first time, don't keep rubbing it in.  So I'm stuck here in my "room" (which is basically a storage closet) trying to keep busy... which right now means writing this blog.  I pulled out a couple if books so that I can try to study today, but I have a short attention span so we'll see how long that lasts.

This is starting to get real old, and I dunno how much longer I can do this.  I've given myself 6 more months to see if things change.  If not, I'm ready to turn in my resignation letter.

Mood: frustrated

CD 6 and Another Busy Weekend

Yes, you read right.  It's CD 6 for me and that's kind of bittersweet.  It's been two months since I've been off of fertility meds and one month since I've been doing acupuncture and taking Vitex.  So that means AF come all on her own.  Like I said, bittersweet.  Either way, I'm still excited that things have seemed to regulate.  I'm hoping it will stay like this for a while.  I still have yet to ovulate and since being off the meds these two cycles I've had since then, I still have had no clear ovulation pattern.  BOOOO :(  Then, about a week and a half ago, I called to refill my thyroid meds, metformin and dostinex (all meds my doc put me on while TTC).  Turns out they couldn't refill two of them because I'm due for my yearly check up (well woman exam).  I still have no insurance since getting laid off in December so this was a bummer.  I had been paying cash for my meds since January and it was burning a hole in my pocket.  Now adding the expenses of a well woman exam and labwork and I just thought "Nevermind".  I'm hoping this new natural treatment will work.  The 3rd med, dostinex, that my doc prescribed for my elevated levels of prolactin costs $146 for 4 pills!  I was like, "No thanks, put it back on the shelf."  So now I'm completely out of ALL my meds and going AU NATURAL, so to speak.  LOL.  I still am taking the Vitex one to two times a day, my prenatal vitamins and DHA daily, and acupuncture 2-3 times a week.  So I'm trying to stay hopeful and optimistic.  I had a short cycle this time, so maybe that's something good.

March is a busy month for me and my family.  We have 5 birthdays, literally weeks from each other.  My niece bday is March 2, DH is March 9, my sister's is March 16, my mom's is March 23 and my MIL is March 24.  So this past weekend, we celebrated my sister's 31st birthday.  You know, it's funny how you try to find the positives in IF.  This month was one of those times I was actually glad I wasn't PG.  I know I may have been taking advantage of the situation a little, but who wouldn't if you were in my shoes.  I've been drinking every weekend and this past one was no exception.  I actually may have drank more than I should have, but I'm glad I didn't get wasted.  I told hubby that I was making up for lost time from last weekend since I had to be DD for his bday.  Then with the rodeo in town, friends visiting, catching UFC fights, I'm not surprised that I'm enjoying this barren womb.  LOL.  Sorry.. a bit of sick IF humor there for you.  Plus tomorrow I'm off, so I'll prob be drinking tonight and then DH and I are going to the Maroon 5 concert with my BFF and her hubby.  And BFF is preggers, so that just means I have to drink for the both of us... hahahaha.  Anyways, as you can see March has been pretty exciting social-wise for us.

But being social also comes with its downfalls.  I'm still having to explain to friends why we haven't had kids.  I'm actually to the point where I just throw it out there about our IF, even to acquantainces.  I'm tired of the excuses, of sugar coating our situation.  I just put it out there and though the conversation can get kind of awkward, at least maybe they can stop asking.  Is it wrong that I get a kick out of it...  making it awkward for them?  Our conversation will go something like this...
Them: "Hey long time no see.  How are you?"
Me: "Good.  You?"
"Same here.  You know, same old same old.  How is married life treating you?  How's JC?"
"We're both good.  Still working, he's in school now, so he's trying to balance the two.  And how's the hubby and the kids?"
"We're good, hubby is still working at the same company.  Kids are growing fast.  Speaking of, when are you gonna start your family?  Have you started thinking about babies yet?"
"Oh, why yes!  It's been about what.... two and half years we've been trying?  Yeah, it's been a little difficult.  Believe me we want kids, it's just that infertility sucks."

"Honey, just relax it will happen"  OR  "Oh sweetie, stop trying so hard, you're just stressing yourself out."  OR  "Well it's good that you have this time for yourself right now.  Kids/Babies are alot of work."  OR  "God knows when it's your time.  Don't worry about it.  He'll bless you when you're ready."

"Well actually I have a medical condition called PCOS and I'm not able to get pregnant without medical intervention.  We've been through some treatments already but no luck so far.  Like I said, difficult but we are definately hopeful."  (Some people I even delve a little more information on what it is.  That my ovaries don't work right, that I have hormonal issues, etc.)

"Okay.... um, well I'll keep you in my prayers."  Or suddenly they get a text or they hear their kid calling for them, or they need to be somewhere soon or any other reason.  Some will even ask if we've tried fertility meds? (Ummmm.... Hello?  I said we've been through some treatments.) IVF? (we don't have that kind of money right now.  do you?  snarky, i know... lol) adoption? (nothing against this but since i'm being snarky... oh, why didn't I think of that?  your right it is alot cheaper... NOT!  or oh, I didn't think about that, I guess that is better than having to carry your own child or having a child you both created that shares your DNA... who needs that... sooo overated....) keeping your legs up?  doing a handstand?  being on top?  being on bottom?  letting him stay in there as long as he can?  (yes, yes, yes, yes, and oooh why didn't I think of that?  YES!  I guess they missed the part where I said that I have a medical condition.  Oh well.)

Anyways, off my soapbox.  Just went off a little tangent there.  My rant is over. 
So where was I?.... Oh yeah, so being in social situations can be a little awkward. This weekend I found out that 2 other friends are pregnant.  All news via Facebook. And just when I thought I could handle hearing these announcements, I find myself crumbling. Third announcement this month and we're not even at then end of March!  I guess we weren't the only ones who got busy on Valentine's Day. It was too much and I made the decision to deactivate my account.  I've heard of other gals TTC who did this for the very same reason, and now I completely understand.  Kudos for doing it sooner :)

So that's that for now.  We'll see what this next month brings.  Maybe without FB now, I can dedicate more time to working on course development for my summer class.  I've been procrastinating.  And hopefully burying myself in work can take my mind off TTC for a bit.  I think I'm going to take a break from temping this month too.  I need to hide my thermometer.

And the Brick Wall Crumbles

Yesterday, I went to visit my sister and during our conversation, IF came up.  She asked me for an update on TTC.  I told her I couldn't really do any thing now that I didn't have any insurance, so we were basically TTC naturally. She asked why insurance was needed and even though I explained this to her a while back (see previous post here.), I proceeded to tell her again. No matter how many people tell you they understand what you're going through, if they can go home and hug their biological children they really don't understand until they've been in your shoes.  I know my sister can't fully understand the complexity of my pain.  She was a teen mother (twice) and had 5 children before she even turned 30.  So no, I don't ever expect her to begin to understand what I am going through.  But all that aside, as a sister (and my one and only sibling at that) I would expect her to support me during this difficult journey.  Again, she pushed the whole adoption thing.  Now I have nothing against adoption and we have even considered it at one time, but to push and keep pushing it... yeah you're going to eventually push me into a deep, dark corner.  And boy did she push hard. She argued that I could adopt and still keep trying.  I told her I would never stop trying.  She asks if I'm going to keep trying until I'm old?  Oh, if only she knew. She even went as far to tell me that she and her husband discussed it when they couldn't get pregnant right away; that she's not as fertile as she used to be.  And by right away, I mean 6 months after having unprotected sex.  Then had the nerve to tell me that if she was in my place she would have started the process by now.  Then had the decency to tell me she understands what I'm going through.  Oh, you are so far from understanding.... so diluted in seeing what's in front of you.  Not even close, haven't even grazed the tip of the iceberg, not even the least bit warm... you are frozen.  I threw out my side of the story, which just broke me down even more.  Needless to say, she put me in a weak and vulnerable place.  I consider myself emotionally strong and I don't like crying, especially in front of people.  But her idiocy stabbed me right in the heart, in the very center of my being and it shattered me to pieces.  I'm thankful my mom was there to "catch me" (metaphorically speaking) because I don't know how I would've walked away from the situation.  On the way out, I was still sobbing.  She walked me to my car and told me she didn't mean to hurt me.  I told her that I believed her but she has no idea what just happened.  She found my weakness, the thing I hide from so many people.  And though sometimes I can push her buttons, she has found the big red button that will shake me to the core. She said she would never use that against me and though I love my sister, I won't let her be responsible for breaking me down like that again.  I've decided that until this journey is over, I have to distance myself.  That doesn't mean not talking to her or avoiding family functions, it just means we can't be as "tight".  She tends to hold grudges and there was a time she didn't speak to me for months.  Now that we were on good terms, I had made an effort to stay on her good side and keep friendly and so we were hanging out more.  That is changing, and I might be saying that because I'm in a horrible place right now, but I can't be around negative people like that...  Even if they are my family.

Breakdown

I was texting a friend earlier this evening about something that went down this weekend that I failed to mention in my last post.  I thought about mentioning it yesterday while typing up my post, but decided against it cause it was sort of embarrassing.  But here I am again and gonna put it out there.  I'm sure someone can relate.

So Saturday night (er, Sunday morning) after we closed down the bar, I was insistent on staying out for a little while longer.  Mind you, I was I was intoxicated.  I asked DH to call a friend who was at the bar with us to see where he was and if we could chill at his place for awhile since he lived close to us.  Turns out another friend had decided to hang out there with him as well and so he invited us to his place.  While we were there, we were just watching TV and talking.  Somehow conversation turned to kids and pregnancy (mind you it's me, DH, and two other guys) and one of my friends mentioned that he "knocked up" a girl, but he hadn't told anyone about it.  We were supposedly the first people he told.  The kid is like 10 years old now, so it happened a while back.  He was telling us that he doesn't get to see his daugher often and then proceeded to show us pics of her.  Already, I was pissed cuz I know this guy tends to sleep around and has commitment issues.  But in my drunken state, I was FURIOUS!  From what I remember (and what hubby tells me I said), I told this guy off and told him he didn't deserve to have a kid.  That some people would give anything to have what comes so easily to him.  Then I start venting about my ovaries and they don't freakin' work and now I can't have what I want most.  Then my other guy friend gets involved (he has two, unplanned kids from a past relationship) and has the nerve to say not all pregnancies are easy.  That being pregant can be hard on some women.  With his 1st child, his then girlfriend had to be on bedrest and the baby was still premature.  He says I should be LUCKY that I don't have to go through what she went through.  EXCUSE ME?!  EXCUSE ME?!  That's when I literally got up in his face, jabbed my finger at his chest and tell him he has NO right to tell me what'd I'd be willing to go through for a baby.  I don't remember much of what I told him, but whatever I said resulted in a shouting/crying fit.  The next thing I remember, DH was walking me out of the door and to the car.  I just remember crying the whole way home (like ugly, sniff, sniff, baby want a bottle, puffy faced crying).  Until I get home and see my birthday prank car surprise.  Which by then, I'm going back and forth between crying and laughing.

So waking up the next day, I completely forget this happened, until DH happens to mention it when helping me recall everything that went on that night.  I was soooooo embarassed.  I haven't even called those friends to apologize for my behavior.  I hardly ever get beligerent when I'm drunk, much less start a crying fit.  I apologized to DH and he said he completely understood where it was coming from.  All that pent up frustration had to come out sometime.  And he said more than likely, they'd be over it quick.  I guess guys are like that.  Anyways, just wanted to share this bit of excitement that went down over the weekend.  Too bad we can't vent to people who frustrate us like this all the time.  LOL.

Can't Un-WINE-d!

Grrrr..... I'm so frustrated!  Tonight kicks off my birthday weekend and I can't uncork a friggin' wine bottle!  I f-ed up when trying to open it with one type of corkscrew.  Then tried the manual corkscrew and bent it, which just mutilated the cork in the process.  Now I've been stabbing at the cork stump with a knife for the past 10 minutes!  Hubby just walked in the door in the midst of a wine bottle butchering. I just want a drink....  He says he can get it open but there will probably be cork fragments in the wine.  F*** it, I just wanted a glass, now I just want to get drunk.  I think there's more behind this frustration than meets the eye.

FAIL
End vent.

What Birthday?

My birthday is Saturday and I haven't planned anything.  It's kind of making me feel a little sad.  Why hadn't I planned anything you ask?  Well, I've been so focused on TTC that I really didn't want anything for my birthday (or for Christmas for that matter) because all I really want is one thing.  Last month, hubby and my family asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told them other than getting PG nothing really.  Same for my birthday.  DH started asking me earlier this month what I wanted to do.  I told him I hadn't even thought about it.  I'd been so consumed with TTC that I didn't even want to plan anything.  On top of that, I was being so optimistic that I was convinced I'd be PG by now (hoping that our last cycle had worked) and so it's not like I could go drinking or anything.  Well now that I know that our last cycle was a bust and with my recent layoff, I'm kinda regretting that I didn't plan anything.  I know it's not too late and I can use this week to plan something, but I hate leaving things to the last minute, especially when party planning.  And now that my actual bday falls on a Saturday it makes it even more frustrating.  Saturdays are the best for planning parties.  So now what?

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I mentioned that I'd like to perhaps go to a wine bar for my birthday. She suggested we go check out a couple of local places, since I had never been to one before.  But I wasn't sure if hubby had any plans for dinner for me that night.  We were at my sister's house this past weekend and she kind of let it slip that something was going down on Saturday.  By the look on hubby's face, I put two and two together and figured out that he had planned something for me.  Now, not to discredit DH's ideas and planning, but I 'm kind of nervous about what he has planned, as he's not exactly a "planner".  I haven't asked him much in regards to this weekend cause I assume it was supposed to be a surprise, but I finally caved and told him I wanted to invite some friends out to celebrate my birthday and if I should plan it for a certain time.  He told me after 10 should be fine.  I wrote down a list of friends and their numbers and handed it to him and said "if you've got something planned, these are the people I'm inviting for later on", hoping he'd get the hint.  I hoped if he was inviting friends, he'd only invite my closest since I'm not in the mood for lots of people.  Anyways, I've gotten off track...

So today I went by a potential wine bar and got some info.  Turns out they don't have any reservations for this weekend.  I told hubby I'm thinking about having it there but they had a min $200 food and beverage purchase to reserve.  He asked whose footing the bill?  And maybe he is still trying to play off the whole surprise bday party thing, but I told him that I would since it's my party (and I can cry if I want to).  And now I feel like I shouldn't plan anything after all, but I feel so helpless.  I wish I was PG already so that I don't have to worry about s*** like this anymore :(  It just seems so petty and I wish I wasn't turning another year older.  And now the sadness is kicking in once again.  Dammit.

2013, here we come!

so things have pretty much stayed the same. earlier this month we were still having trouble TTC so I put a call into my nurse asking why I still haven't had a period in 2 months.  she then changed my dosing a little bit but I still was not satisfied. I made an appointment with a different nurse for my well woman exam at the same clinic a couple of weeks ago. I explained the whole issue again. since I was only there for my well woman exam she really couldn't go into great detail on what I should do. however she did write me a lab slip to recheck my hormone levels on the medications I've been taking and referred me to see the fertility specialist there.  the next day I had my blood drawn for my hormone levels.  One week later I was scheduled to see the fertility specialist. the nurse called to give me my lab results, and told me they forgot to include my insulin levels. so before I went to the fertility specialist I had to have my blood drawn again to check my insulin.  I got it that same day I went in to go see her in the morning. That afternoon was my appointment and JC was supposed to meet me at the doctor's office. I got off of work a little earlier than expected so decided to head up to the appointment early.  as usual JC was running late and got there right at my appointment time, but by then I was already in the office with the nurse.  she was going over a few things with me regarding my cycle.  she seemed pretty rushed while she was talking to me and telling me that we needed to get my periods under control.  she went over my levels again from my previous lab work and said that everything looked good and to keep taking the medication I was taking. these included my thyroid medication, and my medication to decrease my prolactin level.  she told me to get off the steroids since it did not seem to be doing anything as far as lowering my testosterone level.  after going into detail about all that, I asked her when would I know if I ovulated.  she says that I can get on birth control to regulate my cycles.  I was like, "what?! I'm trying to get pregnant, why would I go on birth control?" that just changed EVERYTHING and she asked, "you're trying to get pregnant?" I told her yes and that's why I was coming in to see her because the nurse  I've been seeing since May has not been able to regulate my cycle; that's originally why I came into the clinic in the first place.  that's when JC walked in. we did brief introductions and she apologized for not realizing I was trying to get pregnant. Somehow the person who scheduled me put that i was just being seen for a lab follow-up, so we basically had to start all over in regards to analyzing my labs. she asked why I hadn't had my thyroid checked. I told her was it was supposed to be checked since they were just re-running all the labs I had in May. she said they must have forgotten to add it so I had to do it again that afternoon and have my blood drawn a second time that day. then we got into detail about fertility treatment.  she said I should probably be scheduled to have an ultrasound done of my uterus and ovaries. I told her I already had that done back in June.  I told her that the record should be in my file.  she looked it up in her computer and after a minute or two said, "I think you have PCOS."  as you can imagine, I was shocked! I told her how could that be when the nurse before told me that I was clear of that. she said the study was kind of hard to read, but based on her interpretation it look like polycystic ovaries.  because of my excessive body tissue it was kind of hard to read. so she said from here on out we will be considered PCOS related infertility.  she said that she wanted to get me started on metformin because I exhibit symptoms of insulin resistance.  that's what I was hoping for back in May when I originally came. I knew I was right! I know my body! the next few words out of her mouth were so relieving to me.  she basically said because of my age and how many years we been trying to conceive, we needed to try to get me pregnant pronto! she would start me on metformin to take as soon as possible and give me provera to jump start my period. then she gave me a prescription to take progesterone to help increase my endomitrial lining to sustain a pregnancy, should I become pregnant. She also said she would start me on Clomid! the heavens part and the angels sang!  Lol.  I've been reading lots of blogs, going to message board communities, and watching YouTube videos of women suffering from PCOS and infertility.  I know exactly what this meant. basically the clomid will start your ovulation, by helping your eggs mature.  that will help initiate pregnancy should all things go well. I won't be able to start this medication until cycle date 3, but until then, I'm going to finish my dosage of provera. she said we would two cycles of clomid, and if not pregnant by January, we would take more aggressive measure (meaning "trigger" injections of HCG).  As for now, I'm just waiting on AF to come. until then all I can do is wait. once AF comes, on the third day I can start the clomid from CD 3 to 7. once I finish that I wait until CD 16 to start my progesterone supplements. as stated before this will help maintain my endometrial lining for the pregnancy.  if after CD 32 / 34, and AF comes, I'll stop the progesterone and I'll allow her to ruin my month lol. because obviously that means I'm not pregnant. during those 2 days I should take HPT to confirm. if BFN, I will repeat for the next cycle in January. if AF  hasn't shown, I will again confirm with HPT on those days. if BFP ( crossing our fingers), I will continue to take the progesterone during the remainder of pregnancy.   if no BFP by then, we will start the HCG injections I'm kind of excited but dreading it at the same time. I'm hoping it won't get to that point because then we're talking about more money spent.  these trigger shots are also linked with risk of multiples. even though it sounds nice, medically I know the risks involved with those pregnancies. with the clomid, there's a small percentage of risk of multiples but very slight. either way, hubby is hoping for twins! I wouldn't mind, as long as I have a healthy pregnancy.  all this makes me very hopeful and I have a newfound energy.  I haven't stated before but last couple of months I've been in a pretty bad funk.  I was depressed, gaining weigh,t and crying almost everyday. I spoke with a friend of mine and she suggested therapy.  I'm thankful that my work provide this free service.  I went 3 times as my benefits allowed me, to talk to a therapist.  I'm not really feeling her but I enjoyed our conversations and getting to find out more about my husband since he goes as well. we have since used our 3 visits and now I'm paying through our insurance. we have gone to see her four times already and have made in a 5th appointment.  I have yet to cry though, I was expecting it.  after our second visit, that's when everything started looking up and so I really haven't had any problems with the depression anymore. I now have a better outlook on life and i'm on my way to losing weight. it's been a slow and steady journey and will continue to be. I know it will never be easy for me to lose the weight since now I have been recently diagnosed with PCOS. I'm happy to know there is reason for all my symptoms, and happy to know that I was right all along. not many know people know this, but PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. many cases go undiagnosed. and more women actually have it then you would think.  I have decided to be pretty open about all my medical issues with regards to TTC. I think it helps me cope better with the reality. it also opens other's eyes to what women are facing on a daily basis; it is a struggle.

my mom and I are very close and I think this has brought us closer. although she suffered a different condition during her to TCC years (endometriosis), she understands the struggles I go through every day.  my family, I thought would be the most supportive.  I really haven't explained things to my dad, and I don't think he really needs to know. I think it would just be TMI for him. maybe my mom discusses it with him; I really don't care. my sister, on the other hand, I opened up to her the other day. like I said, I expected my family to be the most supportive. I was extremely disappointed to find out that she has no clue what it's like to be in my shoes.  I was hurt the day I told her... she basically said I shouldn't go through all this trouble and should look into adoption.  she basically said that if my body is not responding to anything, then I shouldn't try.  because it was so easy for her to get pregnant she does not understand a clue. then to make matters worse, my brother in law walks in during our conversation and overhears.  his response to all this was, "are you sure you're ready?" even after I told him yes, no doubt. he said, "are you really ready? kids are lot of responsibility. kids require a lot of money. you have to stop going out. baby become your first priority. if they get sick you have to take them to the doctor, you have to miss work. you also just can't get up and go. You need a babysitter. you have to constantly watch them. no more leaving things to the last minute."

and on and on and on
you get it.

really?

I didn't know that.
you mean to tell me having kids is a big job for the rest of my life?
you mean I can't keep doing the same thing I've always been doing?
I can't go out?
I can't hang out my friends?
you mean that Louis Vuitton bag that I've been eyeing has to be put on hold?
you mean I can't just splurge my IRS refund?

you got to be kidding me!
I had no idea! you make it seem so easy!
I mean you had 4 kids and you wanted more? Now you have 5!
were you ready for your son? were you prepared? I mean REALLY prepared?
I mean, it's only been 2 years since we've been married, but I think a little bit more time would be appropriate don't you think? I mean we've only just begun right?
when is anyone ever really ready for a baby?
yeah 32 IS a little young to be thinking about kids right now. 

you're right

what was I ever thinking?...

...  and surprisingly enough JC walks into the room. "babe guess what?", I say. "Steph and Oscar are asking are we really ready for a baby?" "yes", he says. "well, I mean they're saying it's a lot of trouble. they're saying if it's taking us so much effort for us to have our own that maybe we should adopt."


..... to be cont'd....