Hope

 Yay!  Looked what arrived in the mail last week.  I love it!  It's symbolic and means so much to me.  The pic is a little fuzzy, but basically it's a pendant with baby feet and the words "one day..." engraved into it.  Then there is an orange crystal charm.  Orange is the colored ribbon used for IF awareness.  I changed out the chain because the one that came with it is very thin.  I'm now wearing it around my neck.  I showed DH and he smiled :)

 

 

I'm making good progress with cleaning out the rooms.  I've still got tons of boxes of stuff, but I'm putting them in storage for now.  Painting will have to be done in a couple of months seeing as work has picked up and March will be a busy month for us.  Will post pics in the near future.  Also, we had a visit from the area representative of the exchange program this weekend. So far so good and she says we are good to keep moving forward with the process of hosting the international student.  So the application is complete and we are just working on getting stuff handled with the school here.  So far we have chosen one girl.  Her name is Sara and she is from Germany.  She has a lot in common, hobby-wise, with us so that is the reason we chose her.  We are super excited.  More info to come soon! 

The Room

As infertiles, thoughts of babies can sometimes consume us.  I have been one of the more hopeful ones that has taken my imagination to another level.  Some of us dream of having a nursery one day and even go as far as moving forward with the hopes that a baby will be on board in the near future.  To add to that, I haven't made it a secret, that I've been stocking up on pre-conception baby buys.  I KNOW I'm not alone, as I have bonded with other gals for this very same reason.  It is without doubt that my  imagination has been filled with thoughts of one day having a baby to go with that nursery.

Right now, our "nursery" serves as a junk/storage room.  I will quote one of my fellow TTC bloggers, Liz, from Wishing on a Snowflake.  "Many infertiles have a junk room just like this. It's the room that is the would-be nursery, but ends up being a messy, cluttered, and out-of-control physical representation of their lives. It's a painful reminder of what they don't have, and may never have. It's limbo."  So you can only imagine how this makes me feel everytime I step into The Room. Hopefully that will all change with this new chapter of our lives.  As I had mentioned in a previous post, DH and I were considering hosting a foreign exchange student this coming school year.  Well after discussion, we have decided to move forward with the process and have already passed the first stage... background checks.  We got the word that we have now been accepted into the program and are in the student selection process.  Because we feel that we will be such AWESOME parents one day, we both decided that we would like to host TWO students!  I can't describe how undeniable my maternal instinct is right now.  It's on overdrive!  LOL.  So we talked about it and we are planning on hosting two girls.  I have two nieces that will be around the same age, so I think having female students will be nice.  They will both be high schoolers.

So with that, today will be spent cleaning and getting our house ready. I know that doesn't sound very exciting at face value, but it actually is. Because today marks the start of moving away from the dreadfulness of that room.  Some time ago I wanted to paint The Room, so had to move all the junk that was stored in it into our guest room. Well, after finding out about that failed cycle, I quit mid-paint project and now we literally have a half painted empty junk room (metaphor for my uterus.... perhaps, hahaha) and a junky guest bedroom (my ovaries?  bwahaha). I wasn't  motivated enough to finish or organize either.  But that is changing today.  We now will convert The Room into a study/home gym.  The girls will be sharing the guest bedroom, and we will put two desks, a computer and workout equipment into the newly defined extra room.  That means packing up and storing all of our baby stuff.  It's kind of a bittersweet feeling, but I'm super excited to make the changes.  This is very symbolic, it means I'm ready to move forward and stop obsessing about TTC.  I'm hoping that by hosting the girls this year, it will help soothe some of those maternal cravings.  I can "RELAX" (sarcastically speaking), like so many of the unsolicited advise people say.  Of course this doesn't mean we are going to stop trying, and I don't know if we ever will.  But I AM GOING TO FINISH painting that room and until we do become pregnant, I can put it to good use.

Finally, the pain can slowly subside....

Looks Who's Come for a Visit

AF.
That's right.  Today is CD2 and those same bittersweet emotions are back.  Bitter because, duh, it means it wasn't our cycle.  Sweet because she came all on her own.  No meds this cycle (no fertility meds, really) and she's showed up just as scheduled.  That's a good thing, right?  It could mean my woman parts are finally starting to regulate.  Unfortunately, it turns out I didn't ovulate this past cycle and another month goes by of waiting.  Still, I've got to stay positive.

So I started acupuncture last week, and I have to say it's been quite an interesting experience.  I will be going three times a week and getting spinal adjustments as well.  My doc says I need to drink more water, increase my exercise, and not stress about scheduling BD.  Tell me something I haven't already told myself.  It's all about the motivation, that's the only obstacle.  I've been to two treatments already.  So far, I haven't really noticed a difference other than being sore and having more "regular" BMs (two side effects he warned me about).  Sorry TMI, but it comes with the territory.  I've also started taking Vitex, and haven't notice any side effects from it.  Another thing, that I started this week was getting back to the gym.  Two months had gone by since my last visit and I could definately feel it today.  The cardio was harder to do, and I couldn't lift as much weight as I had before.  I know I have to ease into it, especially because I'm still dealing with issues from an old knee injury and pain from plantar fascitis/heel spur.  But I'm back in the gym and that's something to celebrate.  Now that I'm getting the hang of what my new work schedule will be like, I'm trying to adapt my workout routine around it.

I also wanted to mention that I've been doing research and reading alot about holistic and alternative therapies for IF.  I've come across a bunch of things that I didn't know about.  One gadget I started looking into is the DuoFertility (DF) monitor.  Check out their website here.  It's basically a high-tech, virtual, expensive BBT thermometer.  You can wear it 24/7 or as often as you'd like.  It works like an oral thermometer, except that you wear it under your arm and it records your temperature like every 5 seconds.  Then you download information from it as many times as you want onto an online system where experts monitor your information closely and send you regular reports about your temps and how your body is working.  Because you have this close system of monitoring, you will be better able to track your cycles and find out exactly when you O.  It's good for those who have irregular sleep patterns or do shift work since the time you take your temps in the morning can vary a great deal (I know this first hand).  They also claim it is ideal for those with PCOS or irregular menstrual cycles since OPKs don't always pinpoint when you will ovulate or if you will even ovulate that cycle. And since OPKs only work within a set range of LH, if you do have a low LH surge, these will hardly ever work. With DF, they can determine whether you have O'd and after a few cycles of using it, can even give you a countdown and predict when you will O.  Not having to worry about taking my temps, POAS, or guessing when we should BD has me very tempted to buy it.  Only recently has it been made available to the USA.  In the UK where it was developed, they had alot of success.  It's even FDA approved.  The only problem, is it comes with a heafty price tag of $795 for 12 months of service.  The research on it has suggested that it has the same success rate as doing IVF but for only a fraction of the costs.  And since finances is the only thing stopping us from trying IVF, this device seems very enticing.  I've filled out a suitability profile online to send to their experts to determine whether this would work from me.  And if I was living in the UK, I'd have a 100% money back guarantee if not PG in one year (guarantee not available in the US as of yet)!

Other than that, I feel like I haven't blogged much recently.  Ever since stopping the medicated cycles and the continuous monitoring and doctor visits, I feel like I don't really have much to say.  I also feel that with this new holistic/alternative approach to TTCing, it's gonna take a few months before we see any real differences or changes.  So I probably won't have much to say until then.

However, I may start blogging on something new coming up in our lives that may be "parenting" related.  A friend of mine knows one of the liasons of International Student Exchange (ISE), a high school student foreign exchange program. DH and I are very interested in persuing this new opportunity.  I talked with a couple of people who have hosted international students and they have alot of positive feedback about their experiences.  We are excited to begin this new chapter of our lives should we decide to move forward.  We are awaiting our information packet and application.  Hopefully this can divert our attention for while so that our lives are not so TTC centered.  But in the meantime, we'll still be BDing and hoping the new distraction can bring some new chakra.

On to Plan B

Well I have been offered an amazing opportunity to do begin accupuncture therapy.  Because I have a dear friend who is a medical practitioner and practices accupuncture, they have offered me treatment in fertility accupuncture.  I'm so excited and super thankful to be given the chance to dabble in the miracles of Eastern medicine.  To aid in my accupuncture sessions, I have also decided to begin taking natural herbal remedies.  I have done a bit of research on Vitex (Chaste Berry) and saw that it has been very beneficial to alot of women who deal with IF, hormonal and menstrual issues.  I'm excited to see where this path takes us during our journey.  As always, I am optimistic.  I understand this will not be a quick and easy "fix", and accept that it may take us several more months before success.  Either way I am staying positive in hopes that this will be our big break.

In the meantime, I have ordered a special handmade necklace from an Esty seller.  http://www.etsy.com/listing/93058776/on-sale-hand-stamped-infertility  I have made a few customizations to reflect our journey and hope it will help attract positive energy as we continue our journey.

FXd!

And the Brick Wall Crumbles

Yesterday, I went to visit my sister and during our conversation, IF came up.  She asked me for an update on TTC.  I told her I couldn't really do any thing now that I didn't have any insurance, so we were basically TTC naturally. She asked why insurance was needed and even though I explained this to her a while back (see previous post here.), I proceeded to tell her again. No matter how many people tell you they understand what you're going through, if they can go home and hug their biological children they really don't understand until they've been in your shoes.  I know my sister can't fully understand the complexity of my pain.  She was a teen mother (twice) and had 5 children before she even turned 30.  So no, I don't ever expect her to begin to understand what I am going through.  But all that aside, as a sister (and my one and only sibling at that) I would expect her to support me during this difficult journey.  Again, she pushed the whole adoption thing.  Now I have nothing against adoption and we have even considered it at one time, but to push and keep pushing it... yeah you're going to eventually push me into a deep, dark corner.  And boy did she push hard. She argued that I could adopt and still keep trying.  I told her I would never stop trying.  She asks if I'm going to keep trying until I'm old?  Oh, if only she knew. She even went as far to tell me that she and her husband discussed it when they couldn't get pregnant right away; that she's not as fertile as she used to be.  And by right away, I mean 6 months after having unprotected sex.  Then had the nerve to tell me that if she was in my place she would have started the process by now.  Then had the decency to tell me she understands what I'm going through.  Oh, you are so far from understanding.... so diluted in seeing what's in front of you.  Not even close, haven't even grazed the tip of the iceberg, not even the least bit warm... you are frozen.  I threw out my side of the story, which just broke me down even more.  Needless to say, she put me in a weak and vulnerable place.  I consider myself emotionally strong and I don't like crying, especially in front of people.  But her idiocy stabbed me right in the heart, in the very center of my being and it shattered me to pieces.  I'm thankful my mom was there to "catch me" (metaphorically speaking) because I don't know how I would've walked away from the situation.  On the way out, I was still sobbing.  She walked me to my car and told me she didn't mean to hurt me.  I told her that I believed her but she has no idea what just happened.  She found my weakness, the thing I hide from so many people.  And though sometimes I can push her buttons, she has found the big red button that will shake me to the core. She said she would never use that against me and though I love my sister, I won't let her be responsible for breaking me down like that again.  I've decided that until this journey is over, I have to distance myself.  That doesn't mean not talking to her or avoiding family functions, it just means we can't be as "tight".  She tends to hold grudges and there was a time she didn't speak to me for months.  Now that we were on good terms, I had made an effort to stay on her good side and keep friendly and so we were hanging out more.  That is changing, and I might be saying that because I'm in a horrible place right now, but I can't be around negative people like that...  Even if they are my family.

Breakdown

I was texting a friend earlier this evening about something that went down this weekend that I failed to mention in my last post.  I thought about mentioning it yesterday while typing up my post, but decided against it cause it was sort of embarrassing.  But here I am again and gonna put it out there.  I'm sure someone can relate.

So Saturday night (er, Sunday morning) after we closed down the bar, I was insistent on staying out for a little while longer.  Mind you, I was I was intoxicated.  I asked DH to call a friend who was at the bar with us to see where he was and if we could chill at his place for awhile since he lived close to us.  Turns out another friend had decided to hang out there with him as well and so he invited us to his place.  While we were there, we were just watching TV and talking.  Somehow conversation turned to kids and pregnancy (mind you it's me, DH, and two other guys) and one of my friends mentioned that he "knocked up" a girl, but he hadn't told anyone about it.  We were supposedly the first people he told.  The kid is like 10 years old now, so it happened a while back.  He was telling us that he doesn't get to see his daugher often and then proceeded to show us pics of her.  Already, I was pissed cuz I know this guy tends to sleep around and has commitment issues.  But in my drunken state, I was FURIOUS!  From what I remember (and what hubby tells me I said), I told this guy off and told him he didn't deserve to have a kid.  That some people would give anything to have what comes so easily to him.  Then I start venting about my ovaries and they don't freakin' work and now I can't have what I want most.  Then my other guy friend gets involved (he has two, unplanned kids from a past relationship) and has the nerve to say not all pregnancies are easy.  That being pregant can be hard on some women.  With his 1st child, his then girlfriend had to be on bedrest and the baby was still premature.  He says I should be LUCKY that I don't have to go through what she went through.  EXCUSE ME?!  EXCUSE ME?!  That's when I literally got up in his face, jabbed my finger at his chest and tell him he has NO right to tell me what'd I'd be willing to go through for a baby.  I don't remember much of what I told him, but whatever I said resulted in a shouting/crying fit.  The next thing I remember, DH was walking me out of the door and to the car.  I just remember crying the whole way home (like ugly, sniff, sniff, baby want a bottle, puffy faced crying).  Until I get home and see my birthday prank car surprise.  Which by then, I'm going back and forth between crying and laughing.

So waking up the next day, I completely forget this happened, until DH happens to mention it when helping me recall everything that went on that night.  I was soooooo embarassed.  I haven't even called those friends to apologize for my behavior.  I hardly ever get beligerent when I'm drunk, much less start a crying fit.  I apologized to DH and he said he completely understood where it was coming from.  All that pent up frustration had to come out sometime.  And he said more than likely, they'd be over it quick.  I guess guys are like that.  Anyways, just wanted to share this bit of excitement that went down over the weekend.  Too bad we can't vent to people who frustrate us like this all the time.  LOL.

My Birthday Weekend A-Z

A rundown of my birthday weekend from A-Z, you ready???

A is for alcohol, which I had a lot of on Saturday night. I don't like drinking heavily since I'm sort of a "light weight", but I was throwing back drinks and shots like I was back at a college frat party. I didn't get sick wasted, but I'm still disappointed in myself. I hate getting drunk. I can't even remember part of the night. :(

B is for basketball.  DH and an old friend of mine surprised me with tickets to the Houston Rockets game Saturday evening.  I was a wonderful gift.  I hadn't been to a professional basketball game in years.  I had so much fun!

C is for camera.  I'm glad I decided to take my camera for my bday festivities.  Turns out my phone died early on in the night so I had to use my camera to capture the moment.  Then I thought I lost it when I woke up the next day, since it wasn't in my purse.  Turns out one of my friends had it and dropped it off at my sister's the next day.  I wonder what kind of pics are on it.  LOL.

D is for dinner.  DH "surprised" me with an early dinner at a local Mexican restaurant.  I know he wanted it to be a surprise, but my sister accidentally spilled the beans last weekend.  So I kind of knew he was planning some sort of dinner.  My food wasn't that great, which was odd since I really like the food at this particular restaurant.  But having my family and friends there with me was the best part.  I had fun and enjoyed our dinner conversation and laughs.  Then they surprised me with a cake and singing to me as I wore a celebratory mariachi hat.

E is for eye makeup, which I was rockin'!  I don't wear makeup very often, but when I do, I like to get creative with my eyes.  I was wearing a turquoise colored blouse and accessories and decided to incorporate that color scheme into my makeup.  It was fun applying it.  I guess that satifies the artist in me.

F is for family & friends.  I really enjoyed celebrating my bday with my family and friends.  They were with me the whole weekend from the early dinner, to the basketball game, to drinks at the bar.

G is for girlfriends.  Some of my girlfriends couldn't make it this weekend to my bday festivities for which I understood their reasons.  So we've made it a point to do a girls' night out weekend sometime soon.  I love my girls!

H is for hungover, which is how I woke up Sunday morning.  I hadn't had one in a couple of years.  I hate the feeling.  It wasn't too bad, but I definately had one.

I is for interview. I had an interview this past Friday at one of the local hospitals, and it went really well.  I had a feeling I nailed it.  The department head and recruiting advisor were super nice and we got along really well.  I just got a call this moring and found out I've been hired!  It's part-time work and will mesh well with the schedule I have now.  I'm excited to start!

J is for jacket, which I'm so happy I did not need this weekend. Texas weather can get kind of crazy, but the weekend weather was so nice. I didn't even need an umbrella. Who knew February could bring such nice weather here?  It usually is super cold and freezes this time of year. And of all days, it usually snows around my birthday other years. So yes, this was a very pleasant surprise.

K is for kiss cam.  No we didn't make an appearance on the jumbotron.  But it always makes me smile to see couples kiss on camera.  Some ladies even kiss their babies before their guy... awww.

L is for love.  I love my husband so much.  He wrote this wonderful message on facebook to me for my birthday and posted it as his status.  What a wonderful way to make a girl feel loved <3

M is for margaritas, which was my drink of choice when starting my bday festivities.  I had a jumbo margarita at dinner and one at the game.

N is for nails.  I treated myself Saturday afternoon to a french manicure.  Hey a girl needs a little pampering every once in awhile. Sometimes I forget to set aside some time to relax and do something just for me that makes me feel all girly. It was nice.

O is for OPKs.  I started POAS and so far all negative.  But it's still really early.  I'm just excited that my temperatures have been pretty stable since I started temping at the same time.  I just have to keep reminding myself to check CM.  Why, oh why is that so hard to remember?

P is for powder.  White baby powder to be exact.  My sis and BIL, surprised me with a bday prank Saturday night.  DH and I got home from the bar to find my black car covered in baby powder, confetti, colored streamers, and glow sticks.  They had also wrote bday messages on my windows with shoe polish and tied birthday balloons to my side view mirrors.  Since I was inebriated, I didn't remember until the following morning when I woke up and went outside and saw it in it's full glory.  The best part was cleaning it up.  The wonders DH could do with a leaf blower and water hose... LOL.

Q is for quality time.  I spent alot of quality time with those most important in my life.  I love that DH took the time to plan this day for me, and I have to give him props for pulling it off successfully.

R is for Rockets and Ravens winning! I'm not a huge Ravens fan, but they were the underdog in the game, so that was fun to watch.  And of course, I got nothing but love for my local sports teams.  The Rockets beat the Charlotte Bobcats 109-95.  Go Rockets!

S is for Super Bowl.  San Fransisco 49ers vs Baltimore Ravens.  We were invited to one of DH's co-worker's house Sunday for SB.  We were both really tired from Saturday night's festivities, so both of us were nodding off occasionally.  Then drama broke out at the party and two girls there started fighting so we took it as a chance to get out of there.  No point in us sticking around to see the aftermath.

T is for text messaging, which I got lots of on Saturday wishing me a Happy Birthday.  I also got lots of messages on Facebook.  It's nice to know so many people care.

U is for UFC.  I love watching UFC and coincidentally enough, the bar we ended up going to that night was hosting the fights.  What a great way to end my birthday night!

V is for vodka.  Grey Goose gotcha girl feeling loose.  Aint that the truth?  Yeah, I had alot of vodka this weekend.  Hey they offered... they said anything you want to drink.  So I stuck with top shelf all the way.  Grey Goose and cranberry cocktails.  Patron shots.  No wonder I was gone.

W is for wings.  You can't have Super Bowl without eating buffalo wings, right?  The food at DH's friends SB party was yummy!  Not only did she serve wings, but she also had spicy green beans w/potatoes, mac n cheese, and beef & cheesy nachos.  The nachos were delicious!

X is for eXcited!  Which is how I felt all weekend long.  Never a dull moment, that's for sure.

Y is for YOLO.  You only live once.  Yeah, I had a crazy weekend and maybe drank more than I should have.  But I look at it like this, I may not be able to do this again for awhile.  Perhaps next year I'll be PG or even better, maybe I'll be breastfeeding this time next year.  So I ran with it.  LOL.

Z is for "zee end" (in a French accent, lol).