CD 6 and Another Busy Weekend

Yes, you read right.  It's CD 6 for me and that's kind of bittersweet.  It's been two months since I've been off of fertility meds and one month since I've been doing acupuncture and taking Vitex.  So that means AF come all on her own.  Like I said, bittersweet.  Either way, I'm still excited that things have seemed to regulate.  I'm hoping it will stay like this for a while.  I still have yet to ovulate and since being off the meds these two cycles I've had since then, I still have had no clear ovulation pattern.  BOOOO :(  Then, about a week and a half ago, I called to refill my thyroid meds, metformin and dostinex (all meds my doc put me on while TTC).  Turns out they couldn't refill two of them because I'm due for my yearly check up (well woman exam).  I still have no insurance since getting laid off in December so this was a bummer.  I had been paying cash for my meds since January and it was burning a hole in my pocket.  Now adding the expenses of a well woman exam and labwork and I just thought "Nevermind".  I'm hoping this new natural treatment will work.  The 3rd med, dostinex, that my doc prescribed for my elevated levels of prolactin costs $146 for 4 pills!  I was like, "No thanks, put it back on the shelf."  So now I'm completely out of ALL my meds and going AU NATURAL, so to speak.  LOL.  I still am taking the Vitex one to two times a day, my prenatal vitamins and DHA daily, and acupuncture 2-3 times a week.  So I'm trying to stay hopeful and optimistic.  I had a short cycle this time, so maybe that's something good.

March is a busy month for me and my family.  We have 5 birthdays, literally weeks from each other.  My niece bday is March 2, DH is March 9, my sister's is March 16, my mom's is March 23 and my MIL is March 24.  So this past weekend, we celebrated my sister's 31st birthday.  You know, it's funny how you try to find the positives in IF.  This month was one of those times I was actually glad I wasn't PG.  I know I may have been taking advantage of the situation a little, but who wouldn't if you were in my shoes.  I've been drinking every weekend and this past one was no exception.  I actually may have drank more than I should have, but I'm glad I didn't get wasted.  I told hubby that I was making up for lost time from last weekend since I had to be DD for his bday.  Then with the rodeo in town, friends visiting, catching UFC fights, I'm not surprised that I'm enjoying this barren womb.  LOL.  Sorry.. a bit of sick IF humor there for you.  Plus tomorrow I'm off, so I'll prob be drinking tonight and then DH and I are going to the Maroon 5 concert with my BFF and her hubby.  And BFF is preggers, so that just means I have to drink for the both of us... hahahaha.  Anyways, as you can see March has been pretty exciting social-wise for us.

But being social also comes with its downfalls.  I'm still having to explain to friends why we haven't had kids.  I'm actually to the point where I just throw it out there about our IF, even to acquantainces.  I'm tired of the excuses, of sugar coating our situation.  I just put it out there and though the conversation can get kind of awkward, at least maybe they can stop asking.  Is it wrong that I get a kick out of it...  making it awkward for them?  Our conversation will go something like this...
Them: "Hey long time no see.  How are you?"
Me: "Good.  You?"
"Same here.  You know, same old same old.  How is married life treating you?  How's JC?"
"We're both good.  Still working, he's in school now, so he's trying to balance the two.  And how's the hubby and the kids?"
"We're good, hubby is still working at the same company.  Kids are growing fast.  Speaking of, when are you gonna start your family?  Have you started thinking about babies yet?"
"Oh, why yes!  It's been about what.... two and half years we've been trying?  Yeah, it's been a little difficult.  Believe me we want kids, it's just that infertility sucks."

"Honey, just relax it will happen"  OR  "Oh sweetie, stop trying so hard, you're just stressing yourself out."  OR  "Well it's good that you have this time for yourself right now.  Kids/Babies are alot of work."  OR  "God knows when it's your time.  Don't worry about it.  He'll bless you when you're ready."

"Well actually I have a medical condition called PCOS and I'm not able to get pregnant without medical intervention.  We've been through some treatments already but no luck so far.  Like I said, difficult but we are definately hopeful."  (Some people I even delve a little more information on what it is.  That my ovaries don't work right, that I have hormonal issues, etc.)

"Okay.... um, well I'll keep you in my prayers."  Or suddenly they get a text or they hear their kid calling for them, or they need to be somewhere soon or any other reason.  Some will even ask if we've tried fertility meds? (Ummmm.... Hello?  I said we've been through some treatments.) IVF? (we don't have that kind of money right now.  do you?  snarky, i know... lol) adoption? (nothing against this but since i'm being snarky... oh, why didn't I think of that?  your right it is alot cheaper... NOT!  or oh, I didn't think about that, I guess that is better than having to carry your own child or having a child you both created that shares your DNA... who needs that... sooo overated....) keeping your legs up?  doing a handstand?  being on top?  being on bottom?  letting him stay in there as long as he can?  (yes, yes, yes, yes, and oooh why didn't I think of that?  YES!  I guess they missed the part where I said that I have a medical condition.  Oh well.)

Anyways, off my soapbox.  Just went off a little tangent there.  My rant is over. 
So where was I?.... Oh yeah, so being in social situations can be a little awkward. This weekend I found out that 2 other friends are pregnant.  All news via Facebook. And just when I thought I could handle hearing these announcements, I find myself crumbling. Third announcement this month and we're not even at then end of March!  I guess we weren't the only ones who got busy on Valentine's Day. It was too much and I made the decision to deactivate my account.  I've heard of other gals TTC who did this for the very same reason, and now I completely understand.  Kudos for doing it sooner :)

So that's that for now.  We'll see what this next month brings.  Maybe without FB now, I can dedicate more time to working on course development for my summer class.  I've been procrastinating.  And hopefully burying myself in work can take my mind off TTC for a bit.  I think I'm going to take a break from temping this month too.  I need to hide my thermometer.

My Busy Weekend

So, I know I haven't blogged in a few weeks and it's kind of bittersweet.  Mostly I've been preoccupied with getting the house together for the students in a few months and working on lesson plans for the new class I'm teaching this summer.  I figure the busier I am, the less I worry about TTC.  I still get a little choked up thinking about not getting PG, but I try not to think about it.

This weekend was a busy one.  Hubby took vacation from work to relax.  He's been stressed out with balancing school and a full time job.  Plus Saturday was his birthday, so it was a bday present to himself not to think about work.

Friday, we took the big plunge. We both got drastic haircuts. Hubby had been growing his hair out since we got married two and a half years ago. I've haven't had a major haircut since 2007. We both decided to get our locks chopped off. Each of us donated 12 inches to Locks of Love. The change was refreshing, but I'm still getting used to having short hair. So far we've both gotten lots of compliments.

Friday night, my best friend drove in from out of town and came to stay the weekend with us.  We have a mutual friend that was having a baby shower, which she came into town for.  Plus she runs a photography business on the side and had some photo sessions booked over the weekend.  She came in late Friday night, so I only was able to stay up a few minutes to greet her, congratulate her on her pregnancy and then I was off to bed.  We were both busy during the weekend, so other than the shower we didn't get to spend alot of time together.

Saturday was super busy for me.  Good thing I took the day off from work.  That afternoon, one of my good friends I've known since high school was having her baby shower.  This is her 2nd baby.  This was also the 2nd baby shower I've been to this year.  I actually handled it better than I thought I would.  I think keeping myself busy with activities and conversation helped. Then the inevitable questions popped up a couple of times... When am I gonna start having kids?.... When am I going to start thinking about planning a family?  Oh if only they knew.  Soon I hope.  We've been trying.  I don't know, but we're having fun practicing.  All answers I instinctively reply with. Thankfully, I survived baby shower #2.  It wasn't that bad considering that 4 of my friends attending were pregnant, including the celebrated mother to be.  I did get that "whoosh" of sadness towards the end when I let it all settle in, especially when finally alone in my car.  I was just happy to finally come home to hubby, where I only had a few moments to catch a power nap.  Then we were off to celebrate his birthday.

I had plans to surprise hubby on his bday even before my party was planned last month.  I wanted to do something special for him, since he's been so supportive of me these days.  I was pretty much able to pull it off without a hitch.  DH only suspected something a few hours before it went down.  So first on the itinerary was a dinner, where I invited a few family and friends to surprise hubby.  We arrived just as scheduled, 30 minutes after everyone else was scheduled to arrive.  Hubby knew we were on our way to a restaurant since I played it off that I was treating him to a bday dinner.  We got there and everyone was gathered to shout SURPRISE!  Hubby was indeed surprised.  He didn't expect alot of people to show up, but in fact we had a nice turnout.  Dinner was yummy, but unfortunately the service sucked.  They took everyone's order at different times so some people were getting their food while others were barely ordering.  Then some people had finished their dinner and a few of us had yet to even receive our plates.  So we decided to do the cake while we waited for our food.  I got hubby his favorite... German Chocolate cake.  We finally got our food.  By then some of the guests who had finished their food and needed to leave early, said their goodbyes.  We were still finishing up eating.  Then served cake to those who had yet to eat dessert.  DH took a couple of shots
and was enjoying himself.  Then during conversation someone mentioned the Harlem Shake.  I remembered that I had specifically downloaded an app for this day to create this viral video trend.  Hubby loves this dance... don't ask why.  LOL.  So I got everyone together (or at least those willing to partake) and we recorded our own version.  It was so much fun and hubby really enjoyed making it.

 

 

Our night ended at a local bar that a friend introduced me to a few weeks ago.  I really liked the ambience, drinks, and decor so I wanted to have us end the night there.  Friends joined us there as well and we finished the night there.  Hubby really enjoyed his drinks and managed to make it home before getting sick.  Great.... I had to end up taking care of him.  But it was worth it to see him have so much fun.  I'm so glad family and friends were able to join us that night.

 

Sunday we woke up late.  Our houseguests had to leave early.  So they were nice enough to lock up and let us sleep in.  Sunday we just relaxed and watched movies.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell.  We are still TTC.  I have yet to ovulate and now just awaiting AF.  I'm still doing acupunture and manipulation.  No luck.  If anything, I've only gained weight.  :(  I need to get back to the gym... why oh why can't I muster the motivation?  No other updates to report on.

Hope

 Yay!  Looked what arrived in the mail last week.  I love it!  It's symbolic and means so much to me.  The pic is a little fuzzy, but basically it's a pendant with baby feet and the words "one day..." engraved into it.  Then there is an orange crystal charm.  Orange is the colored ribbon used for IF awareness.  I changed out the chain because the one that came with it is very thin.  I'm now wearing it around my neck.  I showed DH and he smiled :)

 

 

I'm making good progress with cleaning out the rooms.  I've still got tons of boxes of stuff, but I'm putting them in storage for now.  Painting will have to be done in a couple of months seeing as work has picked up and March will be a busy month for us.  Will post pics in the near future.  Also, we had a visit from the area representative of the exchange program this weekend. So far so good and she says we are good to keep moving forward with the process of hosting the international student.  So the application is complete and we are just working on getting stuff handled with the school here.  So far we have chosen one girl.  Her name is Sara and she is from Germany.  She has a lot in common, hobby-wise, with us so that is the reason we chose her.  We are super excited.  More info to come soon! 

The Room

As infertiles, thoughts of babies can sometimes consume us.  I have been one of the more hopeful ones that has taken my imagination to another level.  Some of us dream of having a nursery one day and even go as far as moving forward with the hopes that a baby will be on board in the near future.  To add to that, I haven't made it a secret, that I've been stocking up on pre-conception baby buys.  I KNOW I'm not alone, as I have bonded with other gals for this very same reason.  It is without doubt that my  imagination has been filled with thoughts of one day having a baby to go with that nursery.

Right now, our "nursery" serves as a junk/storage room.  I will quote one of my fellow TTC bloggers, Liz, from Wishing on a Snowflake.  "Many infertiles have a junk room just like this. It's the room that is the would-be nursery, but ends up being a messy, cluttered, and out-of-control physical representation of their lives. It's a painful reminder of what they don't have, and may never have. It's limbo."  So you can only imagine how this makes me feel everytime I step into The Room. Hopefully that will all change with this new chapter of our lives.  As I had mentioned in a previous post, DH and I were considering hosting a foreign exchange student this coming school year.  Well after discussion, we have decided to move forward with the process and have already passed the first stage... background checks.  We got the word that we have now been accepted into the program and are in the student selection process.  Because we feel that we will be such AWESOME parents one day, we both decided that we would like to host TWO students!  I can't describe how undeniable my maternal instinct is right now.  It's on overdrive!  LOL.  So we talked about it and we are planning on hosting two girls.  I have two nieces that will be around the same age, so I think having female students will be nice.  They will both be high schoolers.

So with that, today will be spent cleaning and getting our house ready. I know that doesn't sound very exciting at face value, but it actually is. Because today marks the start of moving away from the dreadfulness of that room.  Some time ago I wanted to paint The Room, so had to move all the junk that was stored in it into our guest room. Well, after finding out about that failed cycle, I quit mid-paint project and now we literally have a half painted empty junk room (metaphor for my uterus.... perhaps, hahaha) and a junky guest bedroom (my ovaries?  bwahaha). I wasn't  motivated enough to finish or organize either.  But that is changing today.  We now will convert The Room into a study/home gym.  The girls will be sharing the guest bedroom, and we will put two desks, a computer and workout equipment into the newly defined extra room.  That means packing up and storing all of our baby stuff.  It's kind of a bittersweet feeling, but I'm super excited to make the changes.  This is very symbolic, it means I'm ready to move forward and stop obsessing about TTC.  I'm hoping that by hosting the girls this year, it will help soothe some of those maternal cravings.  I can "RELAX" (sarcastically speaking), like so many of the unsolicited advise people say.  Of course this doesn't mean we are going to stop trying, and I don't know if we ever will.  But I AM GOING TO FINISH painting that room and until we do become pregnant, I can put it to good use.

Finally, the pain can slowly subside....

Looks Who's Come for a Visit

AF.
That's right.  Today is CD2 and those same bittersweet emotions are back.  Bitter because, duh, it means it wasn't our cycle.  Sweet because she came all on her own.  No meds this cycle (no fertility meds, really) and she's showed up just as scheduled.  That's a good thing, right?  It could mean my woman parts are finally starting to regulate.  Unfortunately, it turns out I didn't ovulate this past cycle and another month goes by of waiting.  Still, I've got to stay positive.

So I started acupuncture last week, and I have to say it's been quite an interesting experience.  I will be going three times a week and getting spinal adjustments as well.  My doc says I need to drink more water, increase my exercise, and not stress about scheduling BD.  Tell me something I haven't already told myself.  It's all about the motivation, that's the only obstacle.  I've been to two treatments already.  So far, I haven't really noticed a difference other than being sore and having more "regular" BMs (two side effects he warned me about).  Sorry TMI, but it comes with the territory.  I've also started taking Vitex, and haven't notice any side effects from it.  Another thing, that I started this week was getting back to the gym.  Two months had gone by since my last visit and I could definately feel it today.  The cardio was harder to do, and I couldn't lift as much weight as I had before.  I know I have to ease into it, especially because I'm still dealing with issues from an old knee injury and pain from plantar fascitis/heel spur.  But I'm back in the gym and that's something to celebrate.  Now that I'm getting the hang of what my new work schedule will be like, I'm trying to adapt my workout routine around it.

I also wanted to mention that I've been doing research and reading alot about holistic and alternative therapies for IF.  I've come across a bunch of things that I didn't know about.  One gadget I started looking into is the DuoFertility (DF) monitor.  Check out their website here.  It's basically a high-tech, virtual, expensive BBT thermometer.  You can wear it 24/7 or as often as you'd like.  It works like an oral thermometer, except that you wear it under your arm and it records your temperature like every 5 seconds.  Then you download information from it as many times as you want onto an online system where experts monitor your information closely and send you regular reports about your temps and how your body is working.  Because you have this close system of monitoring, you will be better able to track your cycles and find out exactly when you O.  It's good for those who have irregular sleep patterns or do shift work since the time you take your temps in the morning can vary a great deal (I know this first hand).  They also claim it is ideal for those with PCOS or irregular menstrual cycles since OPKs don't always pinpoint when you will ovulate or if you will even ovulate that cycle. And since OPKs only work within a set range of LH, if you do have a low LH surge, these will hardly ever work. With DF, they can determine whether you have O'd and after a few cycles of using it, can even give you a countdown and predict when you will O.  Not having to worry about taking my temps, POAS, or guessing when we should BD has me very tempted to buy it.  Only recently has it been made available to the USA.  In the UK where it was developed, they had alot of success.  It's even FDA approved.  The only problem, is it comes with a heafty price tag of $795 for 12 months of service.  The research on it has suggested that it has the same success rate as doing IVF but for only a fraction of the costs.  And since finances is the only thing stopping us from trying IVF, this device seems very enticing.  I've filled out a suitability profile online to send to their experts to determine whether this would work from me.  And if I was living in the UK, I'd have a 100% money back guarantee if not PG in one year (guarantee not available in the US as of yet)!

Other than that, I feel like I haven't blogged much recently.  Ever since stopping the medicated cycles and the continuous monitoring and doctor visits, I feel like I don't really have much to say.  I also feel that with this new holistic/alternative approach to TTCing, it's gonna take a few months before we see any real differences or changes.  So I probably won't have much to say until then.

However, I may start blogging on something new coming up in our lives that may be "parenting" related.  A friend of mine knows one of the liasons of International Student Exchange (ISE), a high school student foreign exchange program. DH and I are very interested in persuing this new opportunity.  I talked with a couple of people who have hosted international students and they have alot of positive feedback about their experiences.  We are excited to begin this new chapter of our lives should we decide to move forward.  We are awaiting our information packet and application.  Hopefully this can divert our attention for while so that our lives are not so TTC centered.  But in the meantime, we'll still be BDing and hoping the new distraction can bring some new chakra.

On to Plan B

Well I have been offered an amazing opportunity to do begin accupuncture therapy.  Because I have a dear friend who is a medical practitioner and practices accupuncture, they have offered me treatment in fertility accupuncture.  I'm so excited and super thankful to be given the chance to dabble in the miracles of Eastern medicine.  To aid in my accupuncture sessions, I have also decided to begin taking natural herbal remedies.  I have done a bit of research on Vitex (Chaste Berry) and saw that it has been very beneficial to alot of women who deal with IF, hormonal and menstrual issues.  I'm excited to see where this path takes us during our journey.  As always, I am optimistic.  I understand this will not be a quick and easy "fix", and accept that it may take us several more months before success.  Either way I am staying positive in hopes that this will be our big break.

In the meantime, I have ordered a special handmade necklace from an Esty seller.  http://www.etsy.com/listing/93058776/on-sale-hand-stamped-infertility  I have made a few customizations to reflect our journey and hope it will help attract positive energy as we continue our journey.

FXd!

And the Brick Wall Crumbles

Yesterday, I went to visit my sister and during our conversation, IF came up.  She asked me for an update on TTC.  I told her I couldn't really do any thing now that I didn't have any insurance, so we were basically TTC naturally. She asked why insurance was needed and even though I explained this to her a while back (see previous post here.), I proceeded to tell her again. No matter how many people tell you they understand what you're going through, if they can go home and hug their biological children they really don't understand until they've been in your shoes.  I know my sister can't fully understand the complexity of my pain.  She was a teen mother (twice) and had 5 children before she even turned 30.  So no, I don't ever expect her to begin to understand what I am going through.  But all that aside, as a sister (and my one and only sibling at that) I would expect her to support me during this difficult journey.  Again, she pushed the whole adoption thing.  Now I have nothing against adoption and we have even considered it at one time, but to push and keep pushing it... yeah you're going to eventually push me into a deep, dark corner.  And boy did she push hard. She argued that I could adopt and still keep trying.  I told her I would never stop trying.  She asks if I'm going to keep trying until I'm old?  Oh, if only she knew. She even went as far to tell me that she and her husband discussed it when they couldn't get pregnant right away; that she's not as fertile as she used to be.  And by right away, I mean 6 months after having unprotected sex.  Then had the nerve to tell me that if she was in my place she would have started the process by now.  Then had the decency to tell me she understands what I'm going through.  Oh, you are so far from understanding.... so diluted in seeing what's in front of you.  Not even close, haven't even grazed the tip of the iceberg, not even the least bit warm... you are frozen.  I threw out my side of the story, which just broke me down even more.  Needless to say, she put me in a weak and vulnerable place.  I consider myself emotionally strong and I don't like crying, especially in front of people.  But her idiocy stabbed me right in the heart, in the very center of my being and it shattered me to pieces.  I'm thankful my mom was there to "catch me" (metaphorically speaking) because I don't know how I would've walked away from the situation.  On the way out, I was still sobbing.  She walked me to my car and told me she didn't mean to hurt me.  I told her that I believed her but she has no idea what just happened.  She found my weakness, the thing I hide from so many people.  And though sometimes I can push her buttons, she has found the big red button that will shake me to the core. She said she would never use that against me and though I love my sister, I won't let her be responsible for breaking me down like that again.  I've decided that until this journey is over, I have to distance myself.  That doesn't mean not talking to her or avoiding family functions, it just means we can't be as "tight".  She tends to hold grudges and there was a time she didn't speak to me for months.  Now that we were on good terms, I had made an effort to stay on her good side and keep friendly and so we were hanging out more.  That is changing, and I might be saying that because I'm in a horrible place right now, but I can't be around negative people like that...  Even if they are my family.